ALTernative Facts: Porn Star Income, Marlon Bundo and Oh, Zuck


A Primer: How to supplement your porn star income

(Note: This advice may not be relevant to all Motif readers. However if you are a pornstress, centerfold or have a similar professional, read on…)

First, put your pussy somewhere where the president can, conceivably, grab it. He likes doing this sort of thing; until a few years ago, this would have been as easy as dangling a carrot in front of a gay bunny. However, since lots of men in black now follow him around, it’s grown a lot harder, so to speak. Still doable though, if you are.

Second, make sure the president’s support system — lawyers are especially good — knows that your loins now have a potentially damaging story to tell. Around $120,000 is probably the average hush payment you might expect — but we encourage you to hold out for more. If you’re really attractive and/or have extremely large breasts, you can easily talk things up past $150,000. And if you’re bi, you can probably get an even higher hush-up payday. Once you’ve agreed to keep quiet, it’s time to tell your story…

Third, people from the conservative right, who one might think would be most opposed to these kinds of presidential shenanigans, will not help you. This is presumably because the more repressed you are sexually, the more likely you are to fantasize about commingling precious bodily fluids with those of a porn star or bunny (Playboy, not gay. Well, maybe both). However, the more liberal elements in our society will support you entirely — although they’re theoretically more open to unconventional romantic arrangements, it’s the payoff for silence that will really get them hopping. Although no one — including the man himself — seems to care with whom the president has sexual relations, the furor over your having been paid not to talk about it will get you a second rich pay day from, well, talking about it. If you’re subsequently sued for that, it’s real talk-show-book-tour-personal-appearance gold. Go all the way with this, and you can end up set for life, and irrevocably confused about just who screwed who(m).

Washington Rabbit Leads Double Life

Escaping from Watership Down, a rabbit that never managed to advance in political circles dominated by Hazel, Fiver and Big Wig has managed to make a significant impact on Washington. Yes, although Vice President Michael Pence generally serves only as a deterrent to anyone fantasizing about bumping off the president, his family’s rabbit-in-chief recently occupied two of the top three spots on Amazon’s top selling books list. Conflicting tell-alls from Marlon Bundo’s perspective have taken the unusual form of parallel children’s books. One, by the vice-presidential daughter Charlotte and illustrated by the VP’s wife Karen takes a straight-on approach to bunny life, while a spoof by writer Jill Twiss of cable-comedian-newsie/Jon-Stewart-heir-apparent John Oliver’s “Last Week Tonight,” chronicles the bunny’s secret life as part of a gay couple. The spoof is currently outselling both the Pence family album and former FBI Director Comey’s tell-all.

Both bunny books are timed perfectly for Easter, and represent the heights to which our national political debate has ascended. Or, at least, hopped. As for any pet bunny the president himself may have — not including the Playboy variety — well, have you ever heard of Hasenpfeffer?

Zucking it Up

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, in what is considered by some to be a rite of passage into bonafide national CEO, will testify before Congress about why Facebook sold thousands of profiles indirectly to the Trump campaign. Since that news has gone public, the social network has lost billions of dollars in stock value, and has actually made Twitter look quasi-respectable again (and also boosting Instagram, the start-up young-skewing social network owned by … Facebook). That’s a far bigger hit, really, than anything Congress might do.

But seriously — we wonder why so many people find this a surprising act, a betrayal, even. Did you really not realize that political messages were targeting your pet preoccupations and opinions? They’ve been doing that since media was invented — or at least since the Rosetta Stone. Did you not know that when you shared your profile with one app or another, that you were sharing your profile? Facebook was founded on principles including transparency — privacy was added later. One of the things that set FB apart from MySpace and other earlier competitors was its attempt to adhere to the idea that a profile represented an actual person, not a cypher or safety screen. If you’re on Facebook, you’re exposing yourself, at least that part of yourself that’s represented out there. And if you’re receiving your political ideas through FB, you should always question the source. It’s vital for journalists, it’s vital for citizen journalists and it’s vital for citizens. Facebook is a platform; it hasn’t magically changed human nature, or the nature of organizations and their self-serving propaganda drives.

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