AltFacts: Border Skirmishes: Lines drawn, walls built and minor gas launched at minors

chemist-1636371_1920EU Must Be Kidding

As the United Kingdom continues its noble quest to defend the memory of Princess Diana from the ravages of the Evil Empire (EU), celebrated New York economist Donald J. Trump stepped in to provide his take on the deal that the British government struck to leave Europe.

“It sounds like a great deal for the EU … but [the United Kingdom] might not be able to trade with the US, and I don’t think they want that at all. That would be a very big negative.”

I mean, this is certainly progress (for the States at least, the UK is heading for a dumpster fire). Not only did the president go an entire video without making a single racial slur or sexual remark, but by speaking on a country other than Russia and North Korea, it would seem Mr. Trump has been studying hard after his geography lessons. Who knows? We might even get our very own foreign policy for Christmas!

Speaking of which, Brexit is causing a lot of trouble this festive season for our cousins over the pond. Apparently supplies of Mars bars are set to run out in the UK before the end of the year. It’s a tragedy. Especially in Scotland; what will they deep fry at their weddings now? -NC

No More Tear (Gas)

Good news! Science has now developed “very safe” tear gas. Yes, according to the biochemical mastermind in the White House, it was only a “very minor form” of tear gas that was used on the migrant caravan on the Mexican border. In fact, the tear gas is so safe that, “The ones suffering are the people that were putting it out” (why an army would be equipped with defective tear gas is, apparently, neither here nor there). We at Motif were going to try this experiment on children ourselves, but a bunch of spoilsport lawyers who don’t believe the word of the president suggested we do something else. So instead, we tested the safety of shark diving with pockets full of sausages. (Result: perfectly safe.)

Fun (non-alt) fact: It is illegal to use tear gas in war … but not on refugees! Which means you can’t use tear gas on Isis, but you can use it on 7-year-old Guatemalans. #RESULT – NC

Making Fun of Ranchers (Those Anti-American Traitors)

Y’all remember Ammon Bundy? The car fleet manager from Emmet, Idaho, who led the 2016 occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge? Well, it saddens me to report that young Bundy has become an immigrant-lovin’ communist. In a seditious video posted on FaceTube, Bundy undermined the president’s defense of our sacred homeland in face of the immigrant caravan, by claiming some “are willing to go through the process to apply for asylum so they can come into this country and benefit from not having to be oppressed continually by criminals.”

Horseshit. Every single one of them is a criminal. In fact, we as white Americans are under siege. Imagine living here all content-like and then having some g’damn foreigners wanting to take your land. What does Bundy think this is, Pilgrim Fathers II: Return of the Killer Thanksgiving? What a pile of crap. Bundy is so libtarded by now that he probably thinks Mr. Trump’s proposed state television station, National American Zone International, is a bad idea! Also, Michael Cohen didn’t lie, he just lied about lying in order to tell the truth, and when Ivanka used private email, it was nowhere near as bad as when Hillary did it. I mean, let’s get real here; Hillary Clinton is the devil and that’s all I need to know for another four years. Trump 2020! -GMcT

Hope Is Dead (Don’t Panic!)

Avid cyclist (and recently re-elected Providence Mayor) Jorge Elorza has vetoed the ordinance that would have allowed the Fane Hope Point Tower project to move forward. According to an official statement released by the Mayor’s office, the $300 million scheme was rejected due to concerns over how the erection would change the cityscape.

“…the design of the building was my top priority. I want to be sure that the building, both from a skyline and from a streetscape perspective, worked for the city … the developer has been unwilling to provide assurances.”

This doesn’t mean that Hope has no future in the state capital; the city council could still override the veto with 10 votes, while Senate President Dominick Ruggerio says he intends to implement legislation that would strip Providence of its zoning authority on the plot, thus cancelling the veto. (Why Ruggerio is so into a building that looks like a melted dehumidifier is still under investigation.)

However, it could be a lot worse. Word got back to the AltFacts news desk that the project’s New York-based developer had a swathe of designs rejected before coming up with “melted dehumidifier.” These included “flaccid whale genitalia” “putrefied custard in socks” “dead antelope balanced on a cushion” and “1950s motel chic with a cigarette stains in the fridge.” Unfortunately, “Renaissance seagull” and “screwdrivers in a sack” were scrapped at the drafting stage, but “post-modern ISIS-style” did make it to the final round.

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