AltFacts: A Sparkling Blanket of Satire: Citizens’ questionable decisions are snow surprise

Snow Joke

Rhode Islanders were again taken by surprise Sunday and Monday as snow fell in the state for the first time this winter. “Snow isn’t that frequent in Rhody,” explained a surprised Mikey from Cheapachet. “Sometimes we go whole seasons without seeing any. To have had this storm, well, let’s say nobody was expecting it. A total Artic weather sucker-punch.” Meanwhile, over on Providence’s East Side, girls in Ugg boots and Northface fleeces were stranded for hours without being able to get to their nearest Starbucks: “This snow stuff is really, like, inconvenient?” explained one anonymous source. “If we don’t taste like pumpkin spice and frothed milk, our brofriends will sulk, and then we’ll have nobody to take weird-angled selfies with. It’s the only way we can pretend that we are in a happy relationship.” But not everyone was disturbed by the wintery blast. Republican lawmakers welcomed the storm, taking it as a gesture from Weather Jesus that America should consider a WASPier future. “We built this country on the back of slaves for a reason,” read one official statement, “and by Christ symbolically reminding us what a white America would look like, weeks before his 2020th birthday, we can think about a return to the humble roots from which we came.” Weather Jesus was not available for comment.

Cost Cutting Ideas

Wallets across the region are taking a hammering, with Black Friday, Cyber Monday and now the Christmas spending rush grabbing dollar bills faster than a Federal Hill stripper. In a bid to relieve the burden, a region-wide initiative in cooperation with fellow New England states has been announced (bar Connecticut, which is just an extension of New York) that is set to save millions. Titled Project England, the bill proposes to drop the “New” from New England and claim the Old World moniker as our own. “Think of the small things, like time,” explains Governor Gina Raimondo. “On average, Rhode Island business waste approximately 13 years of manpower per annum typing ‘New’ in our addresses.” But that’s not all. “Each year,” continues Raimondo, “we waste $103 million worth of toner in Rhode Island alone, simply by printing the ‘New’ in New England. That equates to 156,381 octopuses butchered just for their ink.” In what is being heralded as a massive step forward in marine conservation, environmentalists across the planet have welcomed the news; all expect PETA, the members of which are just outright mental. 

Turkey Burns

Thank you to the good citizens of Rhode Island who have the uncanny ability to create satire without even meaning to. No word of a lie, on Thanksgiving morning, a group of utter legends blocked the 195 Westbound I-way Bridge, while their pals did doughnuts. Called “turkey burns,” this likely-to-become-a-tradition occasion was met with rapturous applause from anyone with a sense of humor, including Crazy Davy who lives under the Big Blue Bug. The city’s police department, however, was not so enamored. “These stunts are extremely dangerous,” explained an official spokesperson, “and compromise the safety of our populous. What we need is everyone sitting on their arses on Thanksgiving Day, chain drinking and stuffing their arteries with grease. Leave the doughnuts to us.”

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