AltFacts: Trapped in a Vortex: Rhody politics spin round and round

Put a Pawsock in it, Gina!

Baseball is, without question, the single most boring pastime on the face of the earth; however, that doesn’t stop us from having a sense of pride in our community teams, which is more than can be said of certain local politicians. During the debacle that saw the Pawsox heading to an even worse place (Worcester, Mass.), it recently came to light that not once did any of main political players in the situation (Gov. Gina Raimondo, Mattiello, Senate President Dominick Ruggerio and Pawtucket Mayor Don Grebien) sit down with the team to talk about what could work for everyone. Furthermore, it transpires that Gina and Mattiello weren’t speaking at the time (something to do with spiked Jell-o shots and cocaine), but don’t worry — Scooby Doo and Elmo are scheduled to run against them for local election in 2020.

We’re Still Politicizing Wombs

Last week, a House Judiciary hearing was held in the Rhode Island State House to discuss the Reproductive Health Care Act (RHCA) and Reproductive Privacy Act. Supporters of the RHCA, which would codify abortion rights guaranteed by Roe vs. Wade, were confronted by a group of pro-life activists, one of whom, Dr. Sheila Kuzmic, claimed the bills “will cause the state of Rhode Island to fail, fail to protect the lives of its youngest and most vulnerable human beings in this state.” Perhaps this focus on fetal life rather than the lives of living, breathing, autonomous women is misguided; however, whether any of the do-good activists plan to adopt children from unwanted pregnancies still hasn’t been confirmed.

Polar Vortex Must Mean Climate Change Is a Hoax, Right?

It must be! The fact that global warming disrupts terrestrial climate patterns, thereby producing extreme weather really is neither here nor there. What’s important is that it’s cold outside, therefore, scientists are a bunch of liars.

But wait — a recent study perhaps proves man’s impact on the Earth’s climate. A team of scientists (aka, Jesus-hating cock and bull artists) from King’s College London suggested that the European colonization of the Americas was instrumental in cooling the Earth’s climate and creating a Little Ice Age. How? The Native American genocide that followed European settlement led to vast tracts of abandoned agricultural land being reclaimed by fast-growing trees and other vegetation. The resulting drop in carbon dioxide led to a cooled climate. Not enough that y’all slaughtered millions of Indigenous people just to make space for strip malls and police brutality, but you affected the entire planet in the process. Nice one Europe!

In response to Nick Sandmann and his MAGA chums facing-off with Omaha Indigenous elder, Nathan Phillips on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, satire metal band, Motiftallica, has released a new single…

Enter Sandmann

Sing your prayers Native one

It’s our land now, son

Including Nate and his drum

You took us in, for our sins

Rotten Puritans

Now Nick Sandmann he comes

Taunt with both eyes open

Mocking an elder, alright!

Exit rights

Enter the right

Build that wall

We’re off to MAGA MAGA land

Something’s wrong, he ain’t white

It’s causing fright

(Who gave Indians rights?)

Dreams of walls, dreams of lies

Dreams of alt-right life

And of Mullers that will bite, yeah

Taunt with both eyes open

Mocking an elder, alright!

Exit rights

Enter the right

Build that wall

We’re off to MAGA MAGA land

Hush little baby don’t say a word

And never mind that noise you heard

It’s just the Native man singing prayers,

All the hatred… it’s in your head

Exit rights

Enter the right

Take their land

Exit rights

Enter the right

Hold my (tiny) hand

We’re off to never-never land

Boo! Yeah yeah!

We’re off to never-never land

Take my (tiny) hand

We’re off to never-never land

Take my (tiny) hand

We’re off to never-never land