New Year, New PVD!: New spots, new bans, but we still don’t know where we are

Predictions for Rhody’s New Year

1. Newport will announce that it’s opening a Newport Wankers’ Club.
    
2. Job Lot will change its slogan to “It Fell Off a Truck, but I Still Want It!”
    
3. West Warwick and Warwick are going to kiss, make-up … and then invade Cranston.
    
4. A country music bar and indoor gun range will open on Thayer Street in July.
    
5. People will finally realize that Lovecraft sucks (and start burning ze books)!
    
6. Meat Loaf will go vegetarian and rebrand himself Vegan Loaf at RI ComicCon.
    
7. Garden City will challenge its high rates of infidelity by closing the toilets at Starbucks.
    
8. Google Maps agrees to put a Bermuda Triangle symbol over the 6/10 connector.
    
9. Nibbles the Big Blue Bug will take Raimondo hostage and King Kong her to the top of the Superman building.
    
10. Coming soon! An ice rink made of Del’s where Alex and Ani’s ice rink used to be.

Welcome to Warwick, RI State Capital

Rhode Islanders have had enough! A recent poll discovered that nothing gets under our skin more than touching down at TF Green and being told we’ve landed in Providence. “It’s facking Warwick, people,” explained Mayor Joe Solomon, “and it’s our facking airport. If big Jorge [Elorza] wants an airport so bad, knock down the facking mall and build one. Don’t turn the airline industry into liars just because you like to eat at P.F. Changs!” Want proof? Checkout the arrivals billboards as you walk toward baggage reclaim next time you’re at Green; you’ll see a brightly lit sign telling you exactly where you are.

Killing Our Kool

A federal ban on select vape cartridge flavors was announced late last week, causing endless Facebook whining by the nation’s population of sniveling douchebags. But it’s not all bad, unwashed youths, as menthol cartridges haven’t been banned as yet (“Keep on toking the peppermint cancer wax!” – FDA). However, a disturbing theory is afoot. Menthol has long been popular among African American communities, and the political landscape isn’t particularly friendly toward the black community. Rumblings from the tin hat brigade suggest that this is a deep state attempt at ethnic cleansing, or maybe the current administration’s most sinister dig at former President Barack Obama to date – a man famed for his love of menthols. Nothing more satisfying than watching your nemesis fall terminally ill. Makes total sense, right? (For more, see Vladimir Putin).

Vaping Speakeasies

Celebrating the great success of alcohol prohibition 100 years ago, the West End along Broadway is set to see a wave of socially awkward speakeasy vape bars open in side street basements. Settle in with stimulating conversation — “I like your podcast, man,” — and orally fixate on Brooklynite art school drama. There is even a rumor going around that the bars will be pushing to get vapers the right to vote, but that’s a prime target for #cancelling if you ask me.