AltFacts: We Wouldn’t Have Gone Anyway: Our tin foil hat is at the cleaners

Social Mold

What do Facebook, Twitter and the mold under my big toe have in common? They’re all full of trolls? They have a combined IQ of 47? No, the answer is that not one of them was invited to last Thursday’s “social media” summit at the White (Supremacy) House. Hosted by KKK Trump, the Orangutan-in-Chief invited a slew of radical right wingers, including some who would put old Addy Hitler to shame, to a self-congratulatory frenzy of naval-gazing propaganda that would make North Korea wonder where it all went wrong. In an official release, a White House spokesperson (actually) commented that “the President wants to engage directly with these digital leaders” …‘leaders’ who included Bill Mitchell, the radio host who actively stirred the pot in the QAnon conspiracy, and Joseph Goebbels, the winner of the 1937 Trump Media Truths Award.

It’s Called >>> Satire <<<

Last week, the Twittersphere demanded to know why Motif was publishing the thoughts of my Alt-Facts colleague, Grumpy McTrumpy, an individual dubbed a ranting “racist.” Which is disappointing, because none of my leftist diatribes ever get picked out as extreme, only those of my esteemed right-wing colleague. How is this fair? I’ve spent all year trying to get under the skin of the good people of RI, only to have a part-time, bit columnist pip me to it. So @AstroNat90, who is Grumpy McTrumpy? Well, in a rare, once-in-a-lifetime, never-to-be-repeated reveal behind the curtain, Grumpy McTrumpy is a s.a.t.i.r.i.c.a.l character intended to be an ironic look at the right (also written by the same anonymous dweeb who writes Newspaper Cowboy… you can see his face and hear his voice every week on our social media video edition of the column). We hope this clears things up for you.

Closed Doors

Good news! Last week, CNBC’S Top States for Business announced the winners, and losers, of their strength of state business rankings… and Lil’ Rhody came rock bottom. But it’s gonna be okay! As CNBC pointed out, back in January, Governor Raimundo said, “We’ve stopped the decline, and together we have ignited a comeback of this great state.” And that’s a fact… just ask Rhode Island’s public schools.

Rhode Island Disaster Drinking Game

And while we’re on that topic, here’s a new drinking game! Anytime RI makes a political or economic balls-up, players must take a triple shot (to numb the pain) from a local spirits company. For instance. Do you live in Coventry? Best grab that bottle of Rhodium, because the state can’t afford to maintain your sewage system (or fund your fire department)! How about residents of Warwick? Time to reach for the White Dog, since your kids won’t be able to attend sports clubs come the fall.

Brexit Update

Throwing the Baby Out…

So, 2019 is here and it’s insane. Last week it was revealed that an Instagram user was selling her used bathwater to anyone who wanted some (we’ve ordered a vial, because my armpits stink), but then the controversy hit! Apparently, the individual’s DNA was not found in some of the samples sent (who investigates that?!), causing all sorts of controversy. However, Alt-Facts is always eager to provide solutions for the masses, and we are proud to announce a new line of desirable consumer goods! Not only is my BO now for sale in packs of three, but Rob Smith is selling his teeth for a dollar a pop and publisher Mike Ryan is shedding skin in one-ounce bags. All inquiries, contact grimweirdshit@motifri.com

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