AltFacts: Loving His People to Death and a Humble Suggestion

A Real Funny Dictator

Until last week, it was a realm filled by Charlie Chaplin in his brilliant political satire, The Dictator, but now – according to our president, at least – there is indeed a real-life despot out there with a jolly disposition. His name is Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea. He is also a ruler with a human rights record that ranks among the worst on the planet.


Not that any of that seems to matter in Washington.

“He’s got a very good personality,” explained Mr. Trump during their historic summit in Singapore. The president even went on to reflect that, “he’s funny.” Funny, you say, Mr. President? What sort of comedy are you watching down on Pennsylvania Ave? Maybe I am out of touch, but a country that a) practices capital punishment and b) uses antiaircraft shells to execute an elderly commander in the army seems to be a little humorless. And then there are the country’s 10.5 million undernourished citizens who Pyongyang claims it cannot afford to feed — people who “sit up at attention” — but never fear, the magnanimous Mr. Kim can scrape together the cash to support an annual military budget of US$6 billion. Hilarious times, indeed, in the good ol’ DPRK!

It is because of all of this – and more – that Mr. Trump very recently described Mr. Kim as, “a madman who doesn’t mind starving or killing his people.” But it’s okay, all of this is old news and all sins are forgiven. Why? Because the Supreme Leader came to visit Donnie in Singapore and – perhaps strategically – rub the president’s ego (meaning Trump can go back to his 2am Twitter rants about his amazing foreign policy, while North Korea can quietly go about doing its own thing, undisturbed).

So, what’s real here? What is our country’s official stance on North Korea and its leader? When pressed on Mr. Kim’s human rights record, Mr. Trump responded, “I believe it’s a rough situation over there. There’s no question about it,” but also, “It’s rough in a lot of places, by the way. Not just there.”

“He loves his people,” the president went on to explain, “not that I’m surprised by that.”

But I am, so let’s dive into this a little more deeply. In 2017, a report commissioned by the International Bar Association estimated that North Korea is holding up to 130,000 political prisoners, and each of them is subjected to severe persecution on a frequent basis. According to the report, these abuses include, “systematic murder (including infanticide), torture, persecution of Christians, rape, forced abortions, starvation and overwork leading to countless deaths.”

We already know that the White House turns a blind eye to sexual abuse and has an unimpressive record when it comes to the rights of the working poor, but the oppression of Christianity? Surely that must get under Mr. Trump’s skin. After all, the president recently commented that, “we are one nation, under God … as long as we open our hearts to God’s grace, America will be free … our rights are given to us from our creator, no matter what, no earthly force can take those rights away.”

Unless that earthly force happens to be the president’s newest chum, Mr. Kim, who has issued official orders, “to wipe out the seed of [Christian] reactionaries.”

Which makes me wonder.

If after all of this knowledge, Trump still described Mr. Kim as, “a great, brilliant genius,” (which he did), I wonder how the president would have acted around Stalin.” Like a bobby soxer at a Sinatra concert, that’s my guess.

…now there’s an image for ya.

An Unassuming Manifesto

by Jo Lively

It is a miserable sight to those who walk through the capital city of this fine country or gallivant through the Chesapeake, when they see the highways, the roads and nightclub doors, crowded with billionaires of indeterminate allegiance, followed by three, four or six politicians, all in rags and importuning every taxpayer for a dirty vote. These monied squads, instead of being able to work for an honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless candidates: who as they grow up either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their native country to fight for the Grey Cardinal in Moscow.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of politicos in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their billionaire owners, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these officials sound, useful members of the nation.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing Belgian of my acquaintance in Edinburgh, that an insidious, sweaty suit thoroughly corrupt is at three decades old a most delicious, nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or ratatouille.

First, it would greatly lessen the number of ballot options, with whom we are bi-yearly overrun, being the principal rascals of the nation as well as our most slippery B-list celebrities; and who stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the afford-mentioned cardinal.

Secondly, whereas the maintenance of thousands of federalists, from two years and upward, cannot be computed at less than ten thousand tonnes of gold (for bathrooms) a-piece per annum, the nation’s stock will be thereby increased one hundred fifty-eight (and a half) million dollars per annum.

Thirdly, the habitual billionaires, beside the gain of eighty-five thousand dollars (American) per annum by the sale of their pet politicians, will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year.

Fourthly, this food would bring great custom to McTaverns, where the grillers will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it to perfection, and consequently have their houses frequented by all the fine ladies and gentlemen.

I profess, for the sake of the record and in all sincerity, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of our beloved country. However, I, the author, being poor, have no pet politicians by which I can propose to get a single penny; but I wish every one of you well in making this dream a tasty, cannibalistic reality.


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