ALTernative Facts: Summer Blockbusters and Avoiding Shitholes

There are a few major blockbusters planned for this summer that our AltFacts writers are particularly looking forward to. Admittedly, even when the content is so new it seems almost ripped from the headlines, the underlying tropes remain old to the point of triteness. But since when was novelty any fun in a summer blockbuster?

Will They or Won’t They?

Kimmie Un is an aspiring filmmaker. Don Rump loves to be on TV. Their shared passion – to dominate the world of entertainment – thrust them together and into conflict. They meet cute – but not in person – and as their indirect feints and parries play out on an international stage, the question of whether they will ever consummate their passions in person remains ever floating in cyberspace. As in any great rom-com, their story is rife with misstated intentions, humorous misunderstandings and tragic miscommunications. The fatal personality flaws of each may prove their undoing – but hope springs, like a rocket, eternal. The gimmick for this summer film is that no piece of dialog will exceed 240 characters, but the soul of the film is as old as Romeo and Juliet, Sam and Diane, or James Bond and anyone with boobs. Find out if their flirtation romance reaches consummation – or nuclear annihilation for all. Coming this summer.

Marvel Introduces New Hero

Controversial enough that she was almost forced to join the ailing DC universe instead, Marvel’s latest superhero has now been confirmed. Her superpower is an amazing ability to hear and record almost anything, almost anywhere, whether people know it or not – and to move what she learns around cyberspace at random. Silken-voiced Angelina Jolie has been tapped to portray the humorous and random, but potentially deadly, new Avenger in The Alexa Files, her own tentpole film, which will reach theaters this summer (it has been secretly available for years on Amazon Streaming).

Naturalization Day: The Bourne Wall

Conspiracies within conspiracies will keep viewers constantly guessing in this taut political thriller inspired by actual events, fictional events and other events. Starring Will Smith as a punch-drunk airman, Matt Damon as superagent Jason Bourne and an international cast of Oscar-winning actors, the film looks at alien infiltration of the UN. When the US president discovers he is being investigated for questionable activities, he realizes that somehow, somebody knows about things no one could really have known about! Concluding that the only way his wrongdoing could have been unearthed was through illegal wiretaps, he launches his own investigation: How did they know what I knew, and when did they know it? Through numerous double and triple crosses that leave no one certain what side they’re on, this entry in the Jason Bourne series may reveal in what country dreamer-sleeper agent Bourne was born, and the answers may tear down the walls surrounding a nation. Or planning to surround a nation. Or are they?

From One Shithole to Another: The Nigerian Presidential Visit to Washington
Alt Facts Part Two, by our Irish Correspondent in RI

You’ve all heard the age-old idiom, “One man’s golden palace is another man’s shithole, while one man’s golden shithole is another man’s Nigeria (or, the entire continent of Africa, as well as Haiti and El Salvador).” I might have got my turns of phrase a bit mixed up, but in a world where language is forever being manipulated to fit an agenda, I’m sure you’ll forgive me. And when the Nigerian president, Muhammadu Buhari, visited Washington in late April, there was more than a little forgiveness required for slips of the tongue…

Back in January, dearest Donnie-T blurted yet another one of his characteristic explosions of intolerance when he disparaged protections for immigrants coming from, what the president referred to as, “shithole” countries. And Nigeria was included on that very general list.

Although personal prejudice among the elite is something that we have been taught to value since January 2017, it is traditionally considered poor taste for presidents to convey opinions through bloody-minded impertinence. It is not even in the job description. The Oxford English Dictionary defines presidential as, “having a bearing or demeanor befitting a president; dignified and confident.” Nowhere does it say you need to be deeply bigoted and entirely capricious.

Not that it seems to have mattered when Mr. Buhari visited the White House. The shithole issue, or Shitgate as I like to call it, was carefully avoided throughout the year’s most awkward state visit to-date. In fact, Mr. Trump appeared to welcome his guest with the usual gusto and self-righteous ponce. Not once did the former reality TV star degrade Nigeria in front of its leader, nor, indeed, Africa as a whole. I, for one, would have developed a smidgen of (reluctant) deference for Mr. Trump if he had been publicly prejudiced toward Mr. Buhari. At least that way we could have seen a glimmer of consistency and transparency from the Trump White House, something that has been altogether missing. But no, the president pushed on as if the January fiasco had never happened, gallingly taking it one step further by using the occasion to slander the country’s immigration laws. Yet again.

But what I really want to learn more about is the president’s criteria. Does a country need to fulfill a number of obligations before it is deemed worthy of the shithole classification? If so, what are they? For example, does Ireland, with its homosexual, son-of-an-immigrant prime minster and soon-to-be universal acceptance of abortion mean that my homeland qualifies for the award? Or do we need to have a larger population of people with darker complexions before being admitted? Who knows? One thing is for sure: Given the legal oppression of women, the downtrodding of non-Anglo communities, the reservation system and the perverse interplay between food and big pharma (to name but a few), some might be inclined to include the United States on that list.

Given all the confusion, if you need anything from me, I’ll be in the bathroom consulting the atlas; it seems the only logical place to become educated on foreign policy these days.

Because if I am going to learn how to avoid shitholes, at least I will have some context right at hand.

And while we’re not on the subject – this just in: We disagree with Kathy Griffin (shameless plug for Motif’s upcoming interview with her) and Samantha Bee in their recent twitstorm. In our humble opinion, Ivanka has plenty of feck.

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