Alternative Facts: Johnston’s Support of Trump Linked to Hair-Affinity

The only Rhode Island city that went to Trump in the last election was Johnston, an historically democratic community. Puzzled pollsters pondered this unpredicted preference, and further study has revealed that the deciding factor was that by Johnston’s standards, Trump hair is a positive accomplishment.

“I just think it’s time we had someone in office whose hair disobeys the laws of physics in a creative way,” said one hairstyling customer who chose to remain anonymous. “My hairdresser told me there’s not enough hairspray in the state to get my Frankie’s hair to do that. So Mista’ Trump must really have some connections.”

It is unclear whether this affinity has persisted post-election or whether it was “hair today, gone tomorrow.”

Trumpstraction

In other news, top media outlets are now speculating that Trump’s largest impact on the economy may be that he’s wasting everyone’s time and occupying everyone’s headspace with his controversial episode of the week. Does this have a negative effect on the productivity of distracted people or a bread-and-circuses-like therapeutic effect on the collective aggression of our populace? You tweet us.

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