AltFacts: Bright Ideas: Bringing pizza to the masses

Brainwashing (and Drying)

Last week, Rhode Islanders learned that the Democratic Party actively participates in the brainwashing of African-American communities. The revelation was brought to light by URI graduate and Trumpite Republican Candace Owens, who explained at a Rhode Island Young Republicans event that Democrats treat minorities “like puppies that need rescuing … they don’t know what to make of a black American who says, ‘Oh no, I’m not oppressed.'” Instead, the Trump lobbyist brought the urbane wisdom of the White House to the parochial know-nothings of the Northeast, allowing us the chance to embrace policies such as white supremacy and cages for immigrant children. And maybe that’s the connection she makes? Puppies, minorities and immigrant children all belong in cages.

Impizzachment Season

Mere days after tearing the arse out of the Washington establishment, Nancy Pelosi has upped her game by commencing an investigation into the closing of Papa Gino’s franchises across Rhode Island. In a statement released Tuesday, Pelosi announced that Operation Impizzachment would not rest until the states’s gluten levels were through the ceiling. The Californian bluebird was last seen picketing outside the abandoned Papa G’s on Warwick Ave, scuffling for space with the homeless and promising to end the pepperoni drought crippling the state.

Cigarettes are Cool!

Last week, Overlord Raimondo announced a ban on the sale of flavored e-cigarettes. What the need for this decision tells us is big tobacco’s lobby still exists, tobacco is readily available to consumers of all ages and cigarettes are cool again, kids. Rumors have it that heroin will soon be seen in drug stores, because, you know, fuck it, and McDonalds et al will be allowed to continue to run riot with their diabetes-inducing poison, because pumping poor folk full of chemicals is the way to go.

Little Mozzie Bastards

In wake of the equine encephalitis crisis, the state recently completed a second round of mosquito spraying in a desperate attempt to reverse the Black Death of the 21st century. So far, one person in RI has died, with two other cases reported by those who know about these things. Cynics point to the fact that mosquitoes tend to die in the fall, but it’s anti-Rhode Island to expect those in charge to spend money intelligently. For instance, $3 million is earmarked to be spent on de-snobbifying Newport, while developers are being given grants to build affordable housing on top of the Johnston landfill. The deshit-smelling process on Oakland Beach is set to cost $1 billion, while West Warwick isn’t getting a dime. It’s doomed. There’s no ozone layer in Johnston due to the hairspray epidemic (expect NASA and Greenpeace to land there sometime soon), while the governor plans to end Bristol’s existential dread by sending smallpox among the children.