Advice from the Trenches: Better Than a Boyfriend

Dear C;

OK, I’ll just come out with it: I prefer my sex toys to sex with guys. I feel like I have somehow crossed a line and I can only respond to my vibrator, and the guy is just someone who can either accept the vibrator or not. I don’t really care.

I know this makes me sound cold or like a sociopath, but I’m not. It’s just that I have had one too many men try to make me feel like there’s something wrong with me because I don’t have orgasms with them. The truth is, they just don’t know what they are doing. And if I try to tell them, they get all jerky over it, like, “This bitch is telling ME how to have sex?” So, I’ve gotten a little hostile. But I’m not a sociopath, I really want to find a guy I can be close with and have good sex with. I just don’t think they exist.

I’m starting to wonder if this is normal. I’ve heard that using a vibrator too much can make it impossible to go back to regular sex, but my problem with orgasms was there before I discovered how great vibrators were. My gay friends think that what I really need is a good woman … but I’m just not attracted to them sexually. I wish I was, but I’m not. Now what?

Vikki V

Dear V;

First, let me set your mind at rest about your little friend. At least 53% of American women and 45% of men have used vibrators; it’s pretty normal. You are also not alone in your problem with the O. In fact, 25% of us have difficulty achieving orgasms, or can’t have them. Only 25% of women are consistently orgasmic solely from vaginal intercourse; it just doesn’t provide much direct stimulation of the clitoris. I think we’ve gotten the idea from watching movies that when the chemistry is there, men and women just come together, tear their clothes off, thrust and moan, then simultaneously burst into orgasm. Please! Out of 100 women, 75 of them will need direct clitoral stimulation as well as penetration in order to climax. Thus, fingers, a tongue or a vibrator are a regular addition to most people’s sexual menu.

But don’t be so hard on the guys. Sexual partners need to learn about each other for better sex. Your gay friends are right about one thing: As far as natural technique goes, women knows what works for women. They’ve had a lot more practice. But even gay women weren’t born with the magic touch. A man who wants to arouse you can be steered in the right direction willingly if you can play the seductress rather than the drill sergeant. Telling men what to do in an instructive manner is a big turnoff, unless the guy fantasizes about prison matrons. If you even hint that they are clueless, in competition with a vibrator and coming in a distant second, you are going to put them in a state of defensive insecurity that will make any deeply relaxed, sensitive, sliding arousal impossible. I suggest a different approach.

Don’t tell the guy what you want. Instead, show him what you want. You could pave the way by asking him what he gets into when he masturbates (although maybe you don’t want to know). Then show him what you like. if you want to introduce a vibrator into the bed, pave the way with a little positive imagery. You could, in a low breathy voice, purr, “Oh, look what I found…” turn it on, and start caressing him with it before applying it to yourself. Just a thought.

But the central message here is: Vibrator, good; hostility, bad. And although it is your favorite toy, just remember – a vibrator may give you a rousing orgasm at the drop of a hat, but it isn’t warm and it can’t hold you.

Hey, we’re all bozos on this bus, and we don’t always get things right the first time. But with a little encouragement, and some lube, we all can learn.

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