From Our Crystal Balls: The BIG stories of 2019

CrystalBallJanuary: The release of Back to the Future IV is announced to great acclaim … but then reality steps in and reminds us that Trump is still the president, there is no future and we are all doomed.

February: California re-designates Valentine’s Day as Gender Neutral Sexual Consent Day. Meanwhile, in Washington, DC, the president erects a statue of a young Harvey Weinstein being chased by Kevin Spacey.

March: Disaster in Ireland as Guinness goes bankrupt the week before Saint Patrick’s Day. Residents of the Emerald Isle resort to drinking the next closest thing … fermented mud.

April: Good news for Britain! It transpires that Brexit was indeed an April Fool’s joke. Yes, the whole story was fabricated in order to cover up a controversy involving Boris Johnson, a pig and a cucumber. Which is a pity, because we would love to have seen that.

May: May sees the launch of an app designed to connect people who want to conceive a baby. Named Pregner, this rival to Tinder has a nine-month subscription and will operate under the slogan “Sex with Purpose.”

June: Tom Brady retires from football to raise rare breeds of goat. So far, he has collected five varieties, including one Goodell, but that all-important sixth breed still escapes him…

July: Independence Day is be replaced by America Month. Yep, the world doesn’t have enough Americana, so president Trump decides to spike the planet’s fresh water supply with star-spangled laxative so everyone shits red, white and blue.

August: A heat wave with an average temperature of 113 degrees F hits northern Canada. Climate change is still a hoax, says the White House.

September: Cannabis gets a long-awaited reprieve when the term “devil’s lettuce” is reapplied to lethal salad ingredient, romaine, which has already claimed more than 9 billion lives globally.

October: This fall, president Trump will order all deciduous leaves to grow a pair of balls, get back onto the trees and handle the winter like a man.

November: Victory for Native Americans when Thanksgiving is taken hostage by liberal snowflakes and renamed Genocide Dinner Celebration Day. Unfortunately, there remains no reprieve for turkeys as they still taste mighty yummy.

December: The War on Christmas is finally won when an army of red-nosed American reindeer invade Bethlehem and beat up any innkeepers unwilling to take care of dark-skinned refugees. But it’s okay, because this is America and black lives really don’t matter.

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