Advice from the Trenches: My Guy Is Bi

Dear C;

I’ve known Erik for about six months. At first we were just friends, but as things went on I began to feel really attracted to him. I thought I was picking up those vibes from him too, and I was really starting to think we were on the way to something more. On Monday he asked me over to dinner so we could talk. Candles, wine, the whole bit. He told me he was really starting to have feelings for me. In that one moment, I was so happy. Then, he totally threw me for a loop. He told me that he is bisexual and his last relationship was with another man.

I have so many thoughts racing around my head I don’t know where to start. Now that I know he could see anyone as a potential partner, it somehow changes everything. I can’t help but think back to when he came to my house, and was soooo nice to my brother. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy at the time, like maybe like he was trying to get to know my family because I’m important to him. Now I wonder if he was hitting on my brother. Before, I liked it that when we went out he was super friendly with both men and women. I thought it was great he could engage people so easily. And now I wonder if he was really just cruising the crowd.

Before I knew about his bisexuality, I felt solid about us. Now I don’t know. I wish he’d told me sooner.

Rattled Ramona

Dear Ramona;

I wish Erik had told you sooner, too. Maybe you wouldn’t be driving yourself nuts right now.

Let’s try to get this into perspective. OK, six months is a long time to wait, but you started as friends, not in bed. That makes a difference. It’s not unusual for people to wait until things get serious before they share deeply personal stuff. You are throwing a lot of other suspicions into this mix that really don’t belong. Right now, you are creating a picture that is straight out of “Dateline: My Boyfriend’s Deadly Secret.” You are also confusing bisexuality with promiscuity. One doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the other.

Let’s look at the positives here — Erik is being honest with you. If he was a rat, he wouldn’t tell you anything. Sexual predators are stealthy about their hunting. They will say exactly what you want to hear to your face and any betrayals will be behind your back. They don’t include you, they play you. But Eric is letting you into his life. You didn’t find this out from someone else. He wanted you to know the truth. Great! Now you can decide what to do, or not do, based on what’s really going on. We should all be so lucky.

Obviously, you have a lot to think about. But first, please! You’ve got to stop it with the paranoia. Let’s think about this. Before, did you ever feel like Erik’s friendliness with other people was sexual in nature? Did he give off a creepy vibe? Did you hear rumors? Your imagination is running away from you. Right now, you are seeing everyone as a threat, even your brother! Really — don’t go there.

Erik is still the same person he’s always been. He did not suddenly change overnight from the best guy in the world to a sex fiend. OK, he has had a relationship with another man. But don’t kid yourself that heterosexuality is any guarantee of faithfulness and trust. Heterosexual men are famous for cheating.

I think the more important question here is to be honest with yourself about what you want. If it really makes you uncomfortable that Erik is bi, it doesn’t bode well for a relationship. You may realize you’re better off as friends. But I’d do a lot of talking before you come to any conclusions. This is still too new.

People who get involved because they are attracted, and don’t ask questions, get hurt. It’s mostly because they never really connected with the person on the other end. Do you really like Erik? Can you talk with him and solve problems with him? That’s what anybody, gay, straight, bi or trans, needs in order to have a real relationship.