PawSox Stadium Continues Quest for New Outfield

Paws_-_PawSox_mascotThe embattled PawSox, having recently lost several bids to move their stadium to the old I-195 land near India point in Providence, have instead stated intentions to create a new stadium on the location of the old Apex building in central Pawtucket. “It’s still right along the river, and we’ll be demolishing an iconic RI landmark in the process, so it’s pretty much the same thing,” said Paws, the stuffed spokesbear for the team, at the time.

But in a surprising move, the PawSox threw a slider into the mix by announcing this weekend that they were considering other locations for their new stadium.

“We’re holding a contest,” explained Paws. “The value of competition is a core guiding principle in baseball. Without it, no one would win.” Top contenders include the West Side’s Cranston St Armory area, Central Falls, Jamestown and Tiverton.

“There’s really nothing else out here,” said a Jamestown spokesperson, on condition of continued anonymity. “So we’ve got plenty of room for it, and some of us are kind of lonely much of the year. Plus just imagine a home run soaring over the wall and out into scenic Narragansett Bay, with the gulls cawing and the gentle waves caressing and absorbing the hand-stitched leather while refracting the soothing reds and yellows of a Jamestown sunset.”

Tiverton has been quoted as observing that a sports complex would complement the new casino they expect to be completed there in October. “What goes together better than gambling and sports?” they asked, rhetorically. “The odds are good that it would open whole new vistas of opportunity for our town,” Tiverton continued, speaking from their office in Lincoln.

The city of Newport chose to withdraw from consideration. “We don’t like new things here,” said a city spokesman, speaking with an affected British accent. “Or noise. Loud noises and new things – not appropriate.”

But the front runners are clearly Central Falls, which with one of the nation’s highest per-square-mile population densities carries with it a significant built-in audience, and which is eagerly seeking new employers and opportunities for economic growth, and the West Side, which has been experiencing significant gentrification and hipsterization over the last several years.

It would make a significant difference in our town, explained a Central Falls spokesperson, noting that because CF is also one of RI’s smaller towns in terms of geographic footprint, the stadium might in fact take up about half the real estate. “We’d encourage them to include low income housing built right in under the bleachers. Then they really would have a built-in audience, and they’d clearly have a lot of say about what went on in the town and how we would interact with the park.”

“We’ve been trying to figure out what to do with the Cranston St Armory for a long time now,” countered spokespeople with the WBNA (West Broadway Neighborhood Association). “At one time, a film production studio was proposed, but we weren’t sure about the sort of element that might attract. Since then, the park’s been beautiful, but the armory is underutilized.” They said between vape pen puffs. Although technically part of Providence, the West Side likes to believe it’s something different. So even though the mayor’s over stadium fever, the West Side is pursuing the possibility, excited for the new opportunities the business would bring to the neighborhood. “Baseball players used to have this clean-cut image that might have been problematic,” they went on. “But now they have piercings and tattoos – it’s pretty standard. A lot of them have beards! And we’ve heard that some wear flannel when they’re not performing in uniform. We think it could be a perfect fit.”

“It’s a gift of economic development,” explained Paws. “Not only does the new community get easier access to very expensive beer and hot dogs, but the players and fans are more likely to hang out with you,” he purred, explaining the construction’s appeal.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Prove that you are human *

Previous post:

Next post: