Spoiling the Spoilers of Star Wars: The Last Jedi

I signed 15 different non-disclosures to screen Star Wars: The Last Jedi. But I knew that this movie needed to be reviewed. How else would people know to go see it?

The lights went down. The excitement was overwhelming. The trumpets trumpeted. The scroll scrolled. But as the story began to unfold, it felt … familiar. Not just in tone or in pace, but line by line. I recognized it.

The Force Awakens took a little too heavily from A New Hope. The Last Jedi, however, went too far. Not even five minutes into the movie, I knew the truth; The Last Jedi was simply ripping off the best Star Wars movie. They re-shot the same old ideas, and now they were selling it back to us. I’m not going to stand by and watch it happen. I’m outing them here and now.

The Last Jedi is nothing more than a retread of the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special.

Okay, first of all, part of me wishes that was true. I would love to see a version of the Star Wars Holiday Special with a $200 million budget. Secondly, I did not get a chance to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi before this article was due. But here’s the thing: Would it really matter if I had? Star Wars is the single most popular film franchise in the history of cinema. No one is on the fence about Star Wars. It’s Star Wars. You’re either in or you’re out. I’m not saying that everyone in the world is arguing about whether or not Han should have shot first because of the plight of his character — I’m just talking about the fact that Star Wars is a cultural touchstone.

With something so massive, I know that I’m not going to dissuade you if you’re planning on seeing it and I’m not going to change your mind if you’re dead set against it. So what power do I have with an article about Star Wars? I’m going to stand up to the dark side of film: spoilers.

You can’t avoid them. The bigger the fanbase, the harder it is. If you want to stay away from spoilers of “Game of Thrones” or “The Walking Dead,” you either watch it the moment it airs or you avoid Facebook completely until you do.

I’m going to use this article to fight the good fight; I’m going to give you completely fabricated spoilers for Star Wars: The Last Jedi. My hope is that these spoilers will somehow seep into the public consciousness for the next few weeks, diluting any real spoilers and destroying their power!

Please go forth and spread these Last Jedi spoilers:

• The movie is narrated by R2D2.
• Han Solo comes back to life like Ghost Dad. According to Luke, it’s “no biggie.” Ghost-related hijinks are a surprisingly large part of this story.
• It doesn’t really affect the plot, but I noticed that Mark Hamill’s name in the credits is listed as “Mark Hamburglar.” What’s weirder? He’s listed as playing “Luke Skyburglar.”
• Jabba the Hutt is alive. He’s an accountant now.
• They tried to use CGI to finish Carrie Fisher’s role, but they accidentally used the Paul Walker CGI character from the Fast and Furious movies, and now somehow Vin Diesel has won a “pink slip” for the Millenium Falcon. I think he’s going to be the new Boba Fett.
• Chewbacca eats an ewok in this one!
• Finn and Rey go to a Halloween party dressed like Austin Powers and Borat. This raises so many questions that I no longer sleep.
• No surprises here; as expected, “The Last Jedi” is revealed to be, of course, Luke Skyburglar.