Our Least Favorite Delta: Will Gina save the world?
Smithfield local and former general treasurer of Rhode Island, Secretary of Commerce Gina Raimondo, has promised to do everything in her powers to reopen international travel. “We’re working on it,” Raimondo revealed to Reuters (Motif was also there, hiding behind a potted plant). “I’m pushing really hard.” But with the Delta variant of COVID-19 looming, some remain concerned that reuniting families and reawakening necessary economic ties is a step in the wrong direction.
“The Delta V, the DV, the Delta, man … it is here, it’s here, here in Mercah,” burbled President Biden when pressed on the subject. “We gotta get real with it, so I’m gonna send a ham sandwich and a bag of chips to anyone who signs up for a vaccination this month. We’ll also have a vegan alternative.”
But not everyone is happy with the president’s thinking. “Almost nobody who has been vaccinated has contracted Delta,” explained an anonymous source at the CDC, “because that’s sorta how medicine works. Why should more than half of the population continue to be isolated from the rest of the world because a bunch of bozos in Kent County think vaccinations are the work of Satan and George Soros?”
But don’t worry. If anyone can put pressure on a political scenario to change, it’s an Italian from Rhode Island. Gina’s got you.
UFC: Elorza vs. McKee
Following the disappointing Conor McGregor Dustin Poirier fight, where the Irishman broke his ankle in the first round, the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) has promised to appease its fans with the “most exciting spectacle of kicking the shit out of each other since Kamala Harris tongue-whipped Mike Pence on national television.”
Billed as the Rhody Showdown, the contest will see Jorge “Sugarlips” Elorza take on Dan “Scrotum Chin” McKee in a fight that bookmakers are predicting will be the defining clash of the year. Elorza and McKee have previously squared off in public forums, most recently at the pre-fight weigh-in where they had to be kept apart over disagreements on the Providence Teachers Union.
“I’m gonna show the people of Rhode Island that Jorge Elorza doesn’t know diddly squat about fiddly squit,” commented McKee, when asked about the Providence Mayor’s stance on anything. “Everyone knows that I am the coolest cat on the block, watch me strut.”
“McKee doesn’t know what day of the week it is,” shot back Elorza. “He lives in the past, and I am gonna beat him so hard that he stays there.”
Expect the smack talk to continue all the way up until the day of the fight, with a rematch already in the books for Tuesday, November 8, 2022, which happens to be the same day as the Rhode Island gubernatorial election.
Life Outside Rhody?
Rumors are circulating that a Rhode Islander has been spotted wandering around in Connecticut, which, if confirmed, would make them the first known Ocean Stater to ever leave the perfect confines of Lil’ Rhody. But the story has been met with outcry from the Concerned Parents Union (CPU), who claim that outside influence is detrimental to youth.
“Frankly, I’m disgusted,” commented mother of 13, Brandi Reed of Coventry. “With one of us crossing the state line, our kids will start to think it’s also okay, and they’ll start doing it, too. And it’s not okay! It isn’t natural.”
“What will they start to learn in places like that?” challenged Tom Thumb, chairman of the Exeter board of CPU. “One day they’ll come home and tell us they feel attracted to more than one place, and that they might even want two houses! What sort of liberal brainwashing is that?”
“There are dragons in Vermont that eat flesh and turn children into spiders!” explained Lester Tinglebottom of Glocester. “The liberal media and Democrats may think that that is okay, but it is not. I don’t want my son turned into a spider! What if he marries another spider and they adopt a child? We are poisoning the minds of young people!”
When asked their opinion on racial and gender equality issues, the CPU overheated and exploded.