Advice with Spyce: Filtering on dating apps and avoiding red flags

Hi Spyce,

I find that I get overwhelmed really quickly on dating apps, so I’m looking for tips on filtering people out. On the one hand, I feel like I can’t tell much from people’s profiles, and unless there’s a red flag or one of the few things that are a hard no for me, I’m inclined to give almost everyone a chance. But there are just so many people out there, I feel like I could waste a lot of time! Can you give some tips on how to filter? For example, do you swipe “no” on most profiles and only match with a few people, or do you swipe “yes” on most people and then filter people out through conversations?

OVER IT

Dear Over,

So as a former party girl/slutty goddess, I can tell you what techniques worked for me, AND as a lifelong sexpert, I can tell you what techniques I’ve seen work for others. 

Me, I’m a moody bitch, so it really depends on what I’m feeling like that day, and let’s be real, maybe what time of the month it is! On certain occasions they may all look super fine, and other times … well they all are a quick swipe left. But with all else being fair, I am more of a fan of having too many options than too few, so I usually swipe first and ask questions later. I’m sure you know this, but if you’re new to online dating maybe you don’t, but matching with someone does not mean that you have to actually have a conversation, go on a date, suck an appendage or get married, so I’d rather have a bunch of eggs in my basket for when I do want to play ball, or make an omelette. Because when that time comes that I’m raring to go, I know I can just dip into my pool of matches and send out the inquiries. 

But for some people, and maybe for you, having all those matches just out there sitting around waiting is like having clutter in your bedroom. And while I don’t mind a pile of clothes in the corner for months on end, it drives my husband crazy! I’m sure others feel the same way, so here’s another technique if you’re more inclined to the minimalist matching approach.

Thoroughly read through someone’s profile and only swipe right on them if they have at least most of the things that you’re looking for. Get really clear on your deal breakers and red flags, and don’t compromise. I have a whole bunch of red flags that I could share, but that’s another column. 

Once you match with someone great, message them right away and start a conversation. If they don’t respond within a day or two, write them off and move on to the next one. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I mean, if they are too busy to have the dating app open at all times, are they really that available for dating? Maybe not. 

Seriously though, I think my way is best. But it does require a thick skin and a high tolerance for tons of matches that you may never actually talk to. And, you gotta be super duper good with boundaries and cutting people off if you’re not interested. 

To be fair, occasionally I fantasize about going into my accounts and just messaging everyone to let them know that now is their chance and they better step up or be unmatched, but that sounds like way too much time, and in all reality, I really should be cleaning my clothes out of the corner of my bedroom, or dealing with the 200k unread emails in my gmail account. 

But if you have time for that, I adhere to the age-old adage that “Life is like a basket of matches,” or eggs, or balls, or whatever you prefer to keep in there, and the more you have, the more choices there are when you really just need to let loose. 

Dear Spyce,

So I recently met up with this guy on a first date. We went to a restaurant with outdoor seating and had some food. Afterward, he asked if I wanted a drink and I declined. He then left to go to the bathroom, and when he came back, he’d brought me a drink, saying that he was getting one for himself so just got one for me too. I felt bad so drank it, but then felt a little turned off after that. When I told him I had an early day the next day, he kept pushing me to stay out just a little longer, and even got a little sulky about it. Eventually I left, but now he wants to go out again and I just don’t know. We had some fun conversations, but I feel like he was a bit too pushy. I don’t know if I’m just being too picky? People have told me that I can be too uptight, but I think it’s important for me to not settle. What do you think?

Signed,

Is It Me?

Hi Me,

No, it’s NOT you! Absolutely not! Now I may be reading into this too much, but that’s my job so here goes. Run, block, ignore, don’t go out with him again! There are a few things in his behaviour that are serious red flags, and if acting like a damn baby on a first date was right as rain for him, obviously his crappy conduct is just going to get worse. 

It’s always important to pay very close attention to the way that someone handles your first no. Because that will set a blueprint for how they are going to handle every other single no from there on out. 

It sounds like this whackadoodle is trying to hide his domineering control issues under a nice guy exterior. I mean hey, what’s wrong with offering the lady a drink, right? And what’s wrong with bringing her a drink after she’s told you that she doesn’t want one? That’s just called being nice, isn’t it? No dude. If someone tells you that they don’t want something and you essentially force it on them anyway, that’s not called nice. That’s called non-consent. And while consensual non-consent can be hot as hell (more on that if Advice with Spyce ever wanders more into the kink territory), this is not that. 

Now some could argue that you could have said no, but you already did say no, so why the eff should you have to say it again? When someone shows you who they are, pay close attention, and here is an early example of someone who may have a pattern of disrespecting your wishes, and on a deeper level, may even be creepily assessing you to determine if you will be the kind of person who will stand up for herself, or how much you will be willing to let him get away with. By drinking the drink, or staying out later, or giving in when he sulks, he’s learning that with some persistence and a pouty attitude, he can turn your no into a yes, or at least an “I guess so,” And that my dear, is the slippery slope to Dating a Narcissist! 

If you want to attract a healthy relationship, you have to be willing to speak your mind, and that means sticking to your no, even when it’s uncomfortable, or you’re concerned about how it will make you seem to the other person. Even if it’s only a drink, a ride, a hug, a handshake or a smile, no means no. That concept doesn’t make you uptight or picky, it makes you wise and powerful, the perfect combination for a successful dating experience.