Advice with Spyce: Two readers dealing with two types of distance

Hi Spyce, 

So I went on a date with this guy and it went really well. Throughout the date he was very complimentary, affectionate and expressed many times how into me he was. We talked about how we were both not looking for something casual, and he talked about how much fun it would be for me to join him on a trip he was planning in a few months. This rarely happens, and I left the date feeling super hopeful about a possible legit connection with him.

I was very excited to see him again, but on our second date he had obviously pulled back — still good vibes and a fun date, but it was definitely not the same. 

I wanted to address it head on, but when I expressed my disappointment he replied that he believed pulling back was the right thing to do. He said he didn’t want to move too fast, but he wanted to really get to know me better, and was “flattered” that I had been so excited to see him again and keep moving forward.

What is up with this? I don’t understand why we would move backward on purpose. Am I being gaslit?

Sincerely, 

Extinguished Firestarter

Dear EF (not to be confused with ET)

First off let me say, congrats on meeting someone that you feel so in tune with! You are not alone in your circumstance of this kind of immediate connection feeling unique, and it can definitely be exciting and heady to experience it. AND, it can be scary, and make you doubt if it’s real, which may be what he is doing. 

What is he doing by pulling back does not seem like a tactic to me, but rather a pragmatic dose of reality. Many of us have patterns where we want to jump into something from the word go without really even knowing the person beyond a fantasy we have about them. Like really and truly, what all do you actually know about this guy? Not very much from one date, no matter how amazing it was. To just jump into being together so quickly is not only unhealthy, it’s unsustainable, unrealistic, and a good way to ruin something that has a lot of potential.

Also to be honest, that level of impulsivity is not a good look. To be so willing to dive into the deep end with a dude that you’ve been on one date with is actually kinda desperate looking. Sorry/Not sorry but you don’t want to be “that girl” who has so little going on in her life that she can be so swept away by some charming dude on one date that she is willing to throw her all at it. 

So no, chica, you’re not being gaslit. You’re being tempered by what sounds like a really smart man who is mature enough to know that love and connection takes time, and if you don’t take the time to build that, it’s going to fall flat the first time one of you metaphorically farts and disrupts your image of the other. 

My advice, slow your roll! Savor getting to know this new human. If he is truly the one, then you have the rest of your life to be with him. And that’s pretty damn exciting!

Good luck and the opposite of godspeed,

Spyce 

Hello Spyce,

I’ve been single for a while and feeling pretty lonely. I recently joined a new dating app and wasn’t getting much traction until I matched with B. We have a lot in common and he seems really great, but he is over 200 miles away! I’m not even sure how this happened because my settings only go up to a 20 mile range! 

I’m wondering if I should even pursue this as I don’t know how it’s ever going to work. But I’ve had so little luck around here that I don’t want to give up so easily. 

What should I do? 

Sleepless in Someplace Too Far Away

Hi Sleepless,

It’s always something, isn’t it? Finding the perfect person, at the perfect time can feel like looking for a straight needle in a gay haystack. It’s hard, and NOT in the way that we want it to be! 

That being said, nothing in life comes easy, and there can be so many bumps in the road on the way to romantic fulfillment. If distance is the only thing keeping you apart, maybe it’s not such an insurmountable hurdle? I mean, I’m a gypsy so I may be biased, but in my mind, what’s a little travel among friends and lovers? 

Because here’s the thing sister, there could be benefits to dating someone not exactly in your world. 

For one thing, it can help with boundaries. That’s right! Distance helps you to be balanced with the relationship, something that’s difficult to do when you first really like someone. I don’t know for sure about you, but if you have the normal human traits and conditioning, you likely want to rush into love, too. It’s fun, right? And it feels good. So why wouldn’t you?

 It can be easy to spend way too much time with someone and get very attached before you truly know much about who they actually are. Having some distance is healthy when getting to know someone new, so having them be a few hours away could help with keeping up healthy boundaries. 

Also having a lover in another place is exotic, and pretty exciting. You could even treat it like a vacation, a respite from the worries of daily life. I love getting away from my normal routine and going on small road trips, and getting out of town with a lover sounds sexy as all get out. Speaking of that, nothing makes things steamier than a good old fashioned build up of anticipation, and with that, the chemistry and heat. If you’ve got someone you’re willing to drive 200 miles for, then you better be having something ah-mazing at the end of the drive. And if you do have that, then wowza, girlfriend! You’ve got it good!

But if you find that absence makes the downstairs wander, then you will know that much sooner if it’s not worth it and you won’t have to worry about running into them in town if things go south. Win-win! 

So if you really like this person and you’re enjoying your experience with them, I see no reason to not at least continue getting to know them. Life is short and you never know what happen. A little geographic challenge haven’t stopped many people from having true love, so I think this thing could have promise. 

Rooting for you!

Spyce