AltFacts: Nice Day for a Pic-a-Nic: Unlike the last two years, which have been no picnic

There, There, It’s Gonna Be Fine

Foster, Hopkinton and West Greenwich have all joined Burriville in becoming sanctuary towns for the Second Amendment. Responding to Governor Raimondo’s proposal to restrict the availability of assault weapons and, you know, monitor how close guns can get to schools, a group of concerned citizens has declared their freedom-lovin’ backyards as sanctuaries for all those feeling oppressed by a little bit of logic. And I get it … this is America, and bears exist here, but you don’t need a submachine gun to defend yourself against Yogi and his pals. And before you raise the dreamy-headed notion that a militia needs to exist in order to defend the nation against a tyrannical government, the odds that Mayor Elorza will aggressively expand his empire anytime soon are fairly slim, don’t you think?

More, More, More

President Trump insinuated last week that he is owed an additional two years in office as reparations for the time spent undergoing the Mueller investigation. Okay, so let’s say we give him that. What else should be refunded for time lost? I, for one, want six weeks back for all the time spent listening to people tell me how great Rhode Island used to be (I think it’s pretty darn sensational as it is), but more importantly, surely the nation is due two years for having to endure Trump’s BS in the first place.

President “Yoghurts” Baldwin

Education has become so farcical in the US that you might as well give up now. In the White House, the president continues to maintain his “nothing to see here” approach to school shootings … while another one happens in Colorado. Meanwhile, here in Lil Rhody, Warwick schools are in such a poor state that they aren’t able to afford to feed their students. The crisis came to a head last week when president-impersonator Alec Baldwin did the presidential thing and contacted the Warwick Schools system to find out what on earth was going on. But not even the promise of a slot in the next edition of “SNL” tempted the commissioners to come to a solution. However, a hero did come to the rescue. Yes, on May 9, overpriced yogurt magnate, Chobani, stepped in and cut a check to cover the cost of the crisis and put it to sleep once and for all. What does this mean for the children of Warwick? Well, if this is the sort of reality they experience as kids, they’ll have no need to experiment with LSD when they’re older. #SilverLining