Golden Couple Tarnished: Jared and Ivanka expected to receive a less-than-warm welcome

Sins of the Father

It appears that the 2020 presidential election has come to a relieving public posturing end — except for Donald Trump’s diseased mind — as even supporters of the barking mad Donald (save for the eternally inebriated Rudy “Nosferatu” Giuliani and his greedy lawyer cohorts) are finally tired of arguing that the reptile has a chance of winning in the courts, and it is time to press a pillow down on the fat blowhard’s face as he sleeps.

P&J cannot get enough of Walking Eagle’s self-inflicted spin in the wind as he frantically dances on air, but we took special joy in Gina Bellafante’s delightful “Big City” column in the New York Times of November 22.

While we may be tired of flogging the dead horse that is Trump the Magnificent, Bellafante focuses on his famous child and marital in-law, and really couldn’t do all of that pond scum justice in her limited space.

Citing a CNN headline, “Big City” begins: “Jared and Ivanka are poised to return to a Manhattan social scene that no longer welcomes them.” Ah, good riddance to bad rubbish.

For those of our readers who have recently been released from prison and are trying to catch up, Ivanka is The Donald’s daughter by some marriage, known for turning out tasteless crap “fashion” clothing made in Chinese sweatshops, and worn by no one not in an institution (although they could make handy hospital scrubs for many).

Her hubby, the unspeakable Jared, is, like his father-in-law, the son of a wealthy, crooked Big Apple developer who was also born on third base and thought he hit a triple. Such is his kowtowing to his own Daddy (who has actually done jail time for his lack of ethics) that evidently, when he said that if Jared married a shiksa, he would forfeit his ill-gotten inheritance, Jared forced Ivanka to convert to Judaism, which must make Jews worldwide quite proud.

That they were “advisors” to The Donald while he has been in office (quite a scam, eh?) has had the Founding Fathers spinning in their graves. Meanwhile, Ivanka was her father’s prop master, while Jared was charged with bringing peace to the Middle East and procuring PPE for frontliners when the COVID-19 pandemic hit. How’d those work out, big guy?

To cut to the chase, the members of New York’s cultural high society that Bellafante interviewed suggested rather bluntly that Jared and Ivanka would be welcomed nowhere, from fashion events to art galleries to the opera to coop boards of luxury apartments, being walking kisses of death within that sphere to even those who did concealed business with them.

The Kushner/Trumps needn’t go apartment hunting, since they will doubtless hole up in Trump Tower in midtown. But if this becomes an extended stay, look for the Trump home base to become an urban version of “Grey Gardens.”

Being ostracized couldn’t happen to a better couple. And Daddy will no doubt beat feet to his Mar-a-Lago retreat in Palm Beach, home of greed merchants and exotic Eurotrash. So Phillipe and Jorge can only offer this sage and caring advice to any and all members of the Trump tribe: the elephants’ graveyard is two blocks down on the left, in the alley right after the Dunkin’ Donuts.

Kudos and Congrats

…to all those Vo Dilunduhs helping to feed others. Especially to Dana Heng and the other folks behind the “Refri PVD” community refrigerator project, a refrigerator located on 705 Westminster Street, outside of the New Urban Arts building and to Tameka Eastman-Coburn and others involved in another grassroots food pantry at 335 Wickenden Street at the Small Format cafe and art gallery on the East Side of the capital city. 

Many thanks to Jenna Pelletier of The ProJo whose article on food insecurity provided us with many of these details. 

Passages

Retired Vo Dilun jury commissioner, Henry G. Vivier, Jr., who served in that position for many years, passed away on November 22. Jorge remembers meeting Henry when he was on jury duty in the 1990s and instantly liking him. So long to Henry, a fine public servant.

Another fine public servant, David Dinkins, the first (and, so far, only) African-American mayor of New York City, passed away on Monday, November 23. Dinkins served as mayor from 1990 to 1993 but prior to that had received a Congressional gold medal for his service in the US Marine Corps, and he was also a cum laude graduate of Howard University.

And on the international stage, vaya con Dios to Argentine soccer legend Diego Maradona, who died at age 60. Known in his post-playing years for some questionable behavior and unquestionable addiction to cocaine, Maradona was nonetheless rightfully deemed one of the greatest players in the sport’s history. Although in typical overreaction upon his demise he was quickly dubbed the GOAT (Greatest Of All Time), he is undoubtedly in the discussion for that title along with Alfredo DiStefano, Pele, Johan Cruyff and possibly two current players: Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo. (Note: Phillipe is a former high-level player of “the beautiful game,” and covered it as a reporter for decades, so his assessment carries a bit of weight.) The “Hand of God” will now move on.




Emperor Denies Getting New Clothes: Fashion industry in an uproar

The nation’s capital descended into its fourth straight week of protests. The outcry started in the first week of November, when the emperor refuted a claim he had purchased a brand new wardrobe made of the finest Parisian silks. In a follow-up press conference the following morning, his Majesty asserted, “I’m always naked from the socks up. The suit I’m currently wearing is a manufactured illusion by my enemies.”

“Why would I need clothes?” he continued. “I mean, look at me, I am naked, I am always naked. Everybody wants to see me naked. It’s a form of national service, really.” A statement from the emperor’s legal counsel indicated they are demanding an inquiry in the entire clothes-making industry to prove they do not actually make clothes.

Protestors Protest Emperor’s Lack of New Clothes Claim

Pro-emperor protests gathered in large numbers one morning, citing frustration at the quickly escalating the-Emperor-Maybe-Has-Clothes scandal. The groups, who refer to themselves as the Emperor’s Squadron, rode Harley-Davidson motorcycles down the capital’s main streets, hollering at pedestrians and demanding all weavers cease operations until their group can confirm whether the emperor wears clothes. 

Members of the Emperor’s Squadron are also on record advocating for deporting immigrants back to their countries of origin, and draining a public works project they call “the deep state.” They tote guns and dress up in bright Hawaiian shirts over their squadron-issued Harley-Davidson tees. “It’s plain as day our emperor is always as naked as an infant,” says one squadron member. “The illusion that he is dressed is the lamestream media projecting, in order to shield his glorious figure from underage voters and other patrons of Cracker Barrel.”

It’s Black Friday for Bookies

Bookies across the Empire are taking bets on what’s coming down first: Emperor Squadron banners or this year’s Christmas decorations. The betting industry is making a comeback, but not all are so happy with the recent social unrest.

“We wish they’d go out and get a job,” said Bertie, a seasonal worker from a local strip mall. “But all they do is sit around the place and take advantage of the fruits of our labor. Protesting whether the emperor has clothes or not is a privilege for those who have the luxury to do so.” 

No one in the squadron could cobble together a statement refuting it before press time, however, Mckenzie has vowed protesters will find something else to get indignant about. “Don’t worry,” he told us over text. “Our members will soon be drafted into the war on Christmas, and we’ll rally against pagan propaganda on take-out cups.”




Take a Break: Schools should give contact tracers time to catch up

I’m a teacher in Providence, and since the beginning of this pandemic I’ve been asked by the Rhode Island Department of Health to quarantine twice. Once in July, the same day my name was mentioned to a contact tracer, and a second time the first week of school this year, two days after contact. Not bad. I had faith in the contact tracing system, even after being quarantined so early in the school year. 

We now have had two full months in school. Gone are the days of a quick turnaround by RIDOH. Now, if you’re lucky to even get a call, teachers and students are being told about quarantining a week after contact. Sometimes ten days. 

Look at that timeline. We went from being told the day of, to 48 hours, to seven to 10 days. Think of what you do in seven days. It’s  seven to 10 days of going about your daily business, maybe the grocery store, possibly a restaurant. It’s certainly not isolating from your family in your own home, which is what you’re asked to do while quarantining. It’s sending your child to school or your partner to work, all the while not knowing you could be positive. And if you are, now your family could be spreading it to their schools or workplaces. 

RIDOH appears to be so backed up now, that I feel guilt if I have to go to Dave’s Market to grab bread. To say that school being in session hasn’t put a burden on RIDOH, many of whom are brand new to the job, would be a logical fallacy.

If you’ve ever read something I’ve written before you know I love and mainly talk about two things; live theater and education. I love being a teacher. In fact I often say it’s not a job, it really feels like a calling. I love nothing more than that moment when a student “gets it.” Generally in my classroom that moment is followed by me jumping up and down and using my best Rhode Island accent to exclaim that they are “wicked smaht.” I love the days where we move all the desks, “circle up” and discuss the novel we’re reading, or the collaborative lesson on the power of words where the entire class has to put together something they collectively “destroyed,” all the while I’m counting/singing  down to  add suspense (and because quite frankly it’s just way more fun that way). 

Of course with COVID, these things can’t happen. I’ve had to adjust my lessons to be socially distant, and adaptable for online work. And that’s okay because I am up for the challenge, and more importantly, my students are up for the challenge. We do, however, expect the state to hold up their end of the bargain, and that includes contact tracing. And here’s the thing: It’s not the state’s fault that they’re this backed up; between the new contact tracers and the growing numbers, it’s no wonder that they’re backed up. It is that state’s fault if they keep their blinders on. 

The Department of Health needs a break. They need to breathe. Schools need to switch to distance learning while the contact tracers are trained, and have time to catch up. And it’s not like schools aren’t already doing this. Some private schools have been switching to distance learning when they get one case to give contact tracers time to notify all contacts. (Don’t hold your breath waiting for the governor to call them out on it, especially when she sends tuition to a private school that has temporarily switched to distance learning already this year.) There are charter schools that have made the decision to choose distance learning for their students, and there are some public school communities that have decided from time to time to switch to distance learning while things calm down. These are rational and appropriate decisions to make. It gives custodians the extra time for deep cleans, and it gives RIDOH time to catch up with the ever important contact tracing. Yet when the public schools make these choices, Governor Raimondo bullies them from her press conferences and maligns them in the media. (The fact that she remains quiet when private schools and public charter schools do the same illustrates her disdain of unionized teachers.  But the vast inequities in Rhode Island education could fill an entire book.)

I am a highly effective teacher, and I love being in the classroom. But because of my job I feel like the only thing I can do without unintentionally harming others is go to work and come straight home. I’m too nervous to see my friends or my family. I’m not taking the governor’s advice and going out to eat in restaurants. I’m not out shopping. For the most part I go to school and go home. But am I harming the people in my own home by not wearing a mask in my house? 

Without confidence in the contact tracing system, what choice is the governor giving educators, and the additional staff members in schools? I love teaching, I often joke around with the saying #teacherlife when speaking of grading and the silly things that happen throughout a day, but is the state of Rhode Island trying to force teachers into #hermitlife? I’m also speaking as a parent here. If I don’t know for seven to ten days that I’ve been exposed, how do I protect my family? Teachers don’t live in a bubble, but this serious lapse in contact tracing is asking us to.    

I beg the state of Rhode Island to take a breath, pause and give the contact tracers the time to do their job. We have a statewide calendar, and Thanksgiving week is only two school days. Switch to distance learning through the Thanksgiving break, give the contact tracers that time to catch up and give families what they really want this holiday season: peace of mind.




Yes, Rhode Island Had Slavery: It’s time to change the name

As the debate about removing “and Providence Plantations” from the official state name rages across Rhode Island, the most common rebuttal to the claim that the phrase evokes the horrors of slavery is “slavery never came to Rhode Island.” Au, contraire: Rhode Island was unquestionably built on the backs of slaves and profits from the slave trade. As someone who navigates these facts regularly as the executive director of the Providence Tour Company, I thought it would be useful to the body politic to re-examine this shadowy portion of Rhode Island history, and answer some common questions I’ve heard around this issue. 

Who owned the slaves? Where were they?

Famous Rhode Island families, with names like HopkinsRedwoodDeWolf, and Brown — even Roger Williams himself — held slaves. In the decade of the American Revolution, more than one hundred of the most prominent families of Providence kept slaves to cook in their kitchens and mind their horses and carriages. And yes, there were slave plantations too — by 1730, the southern part of Rhode Island’s population was one third Black, nearly all of them slaves, working thousands of acres of farmland in the former Narragansett Native American territory. An early historian described the area as “a bit of Virginia set down in New England.”

What about other New England states?

Another thought is that perhaps the Ocean State was about the same as its other New England neighbors: not quite. By 1750, 10% of the Rhode Island population was enslaved, double the northern average. During the colonial period, Rhode Island sent 514 slave ships to the coast of West Africa, while the rest of the colonies sent just 189; in total, around 60% of all slave-trading voyages launched from North America came from Rhode Island. In fact, a major reason Rhode Island felt secure enough to declare independence from Great Britain two months before the rest of the colonies — a fact Rhode Islanders wear with pride — is because of the state’s dependence on the transatlantic slave trade, through which it could generate income independent of commerce with Great Britain.

How does slavery from so long ago affect us today?

The shadow of slavery looms large in Rhode Island. Duties collected on slave imports helped pave Newport streets and mend its bridges. University Hall, the oldest building on Brown University’s campus, was assisted in construction by slave laborBy 1850, 79% of all textile mills in RI manufactured “negro cloth”: a low-cost, durable, cotton twill fabric that was shipped to southern plantations to clothe slaves. This trade gave Rhode Island the foundational infrastructure necessary to become an economic powerhouse in the early 20th century and can easily be traced to wealth and investments that contemporary Rhode Islanders enjoy.  

Not only did Rhode Island have slavery, it was the beating heart of the transatlantic slave trade. This is a problem we must acknowledge we have uniquely as a state; then, naturally, we must respect the descendants of those robbed of their past and culture by eliminating the words “and Providence Plantations” from our official state name. It is rooted in history, and it is the right thing to do.




Procorruption: Buckle up, Rhode Island!

Excited about the upcoming re-election of Donald Trump? Don’t believe those polls; they all have a liberal bias against our Supreme Leader. The rank and file still vote for Trump because they are smart enough to know that he’s what this country needs regardless of Beltway gossip.

I know what people are hearing out there: that anyone supporting the President is dumb, corrupt, a criminal conspirator guilty of supporting negligent homicide, or some subspecies of the human race with chimpanzee level intelligence, if that. 

I personally feel contempt for those cowardly, hypocritical, scumbag Republicans and any former Trump supporters campaigning against him.  The last thing we need is to plant the idea that the President is unsuitable to be let anywhere near a White House bathroom without a straitjacket, let alone the Oval Office.

Keep repeating the catechism that Trump is a genius. And remember: You are a genius for supporting him no matter what.




Exorcise the Right: Don’t make your superior correspondents beg

As Tears Go By

If there is one thing about the presidential elections in the United States that sets Phillipe and Jorge off like Fourth of July fireworks, it is the fact that today, barely over 50% of our eligible voters have actually voted in our presidential elections. At best this is maddeningly selfish and stupid, and at worst it should be criminal to not take advantage of an opportunity to guide the nation using the basic principal of a democracy and, arguably, our liberties.

To that end, here is a story that P&J have told before in this space, but still should resonate in everyone’s soul. It certainly holds a special place in our memory.

Back in the early 2000s, Indonesians were given their first opportunity to vote for their president, among other local offices. Indonesia was then ruled by President Suharto, a soulless dictator who could teach Donald Trump a few tricks about aberrant, greedy behavior that enriched himself and his cronies. The Indonesians called Suharto’s system “Kah-Kah-En”: Corruption, Collusion and Nepotism. (Say hi Jared and Ivanka Kushner, and Donnie Jr. and Eric Trump.)

A year or two after the Indonesians’ first vote, which ousted the abhorrent Suharto, a friend and colleague of Phillipe’s from Jakarta came to Rhode Island to work on a project in which they were both involved. During one informal session of chit-chat, the talk turned to politics, with P and another of his American partners.

We told our Indonesian friend that just over 50% of our eligible voters had voted in the last presidential election. This fact was received by a man who had seen 98% of his fellow countrymen and women go to vote for the first time, often under the intimidating presence of Suharto’s fully armed stormtroopers. That took more courage than we would hope none of us will ever have to muster, all in the name of the freedom they craved after years of unspeakable cruelty and poverty visited on them by a string of strong-arming martinets. 

When we told our friend from Jakarta this, he started laughing. When we didn’t join him, we told him in as serious a tone we could muster, that this was no joke, simply a fact. After looking at us in silent disbelief, he began crying. He was saddened to the core by this flagrant ignorance and rebellion against an opportunity that many Americans had fought for − and died for − in an egregious display of arrogance and disregard of the heart of our democracy. This after having proudly watched his fellow Indonesians stand up to gun-toting members of their military who had no qualms, and an impressive track record, of jailing or shooting their fellow citizens if so ordered.

For Phillipe and his American colleague, our friend’s tears were a reaction that made them ashamed, embarrassed and deeply wounded, and that it made a man from the opposite side of the world break down and cry because of our lack of appreciation for what we take for granted, while Indonesians had celebrated their chance to have their voices heard and toppled a brutal tin pot authoritarian.

If this sounds overly dramatic, tough shit. And in that angry vein, if you don’t vote in this year’s election that may define what our country stands for around the globe for years to come, go fuck yourself. You are nothing less than a traitor to the ideals on which this country was founded, and you are abhorrent to us. Selah.

The Not So Great Debate

Although Phillipe & Jorge already voted, we dutifully watched the second Trump vs. Biden television event on Thursday, October 22. We have a difficult time calling it a debate since we are both old enough to recall the Nixon/Kennedy debates of 1960. While technically not “debates,” at least they were examples of intelligent discourse and well mannered comportment, compared to the World Wrestling Federation-level atmosphere we have come to expect from Trump events, which inevitably bring everyone involved down to the gutter.  

Compared to the first meeting, this one was marked by controlled behavior on the part of the Orange Menace. Perhaps some of the improved behavior can be credited to moderator and former local WLNE Channel 6 reporter Kristen Welker, who kept things under control.

One other observation: While Trump is fond of comparing himself favorably to past Republican presidents Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan, your superior correspondents feel a stronger comparison could be made between Trump and veteran game show host, Wink Martindale.

Please Stop 

While the “debates” have as much truth in their selling points as anything uttered by Donald Trump, P&J are having their minds numbed by television ads, which seem now to be limited to a handful of products and services: ambulance-chasing lawyers, insurance companies, fast food joints, hygiene products and last, but nowhere near least, pharmaceuticals (which we believe are even more necessary to ingest to be able to suffer watching 90 percent of the shows on TV).

P&J have to stifle screams whenever the obnoxious Flo from Progressive, Limu Emu or “Heavy Hitter” spots run. (A tip of the beret and sombrero to GEICO, which at least has a rolling number of different ads, some of them actually good. But bring back the Hump Day camel spot, pretty please.)

And we can be certain that our parents would have been appalled by ads for toilet paper and especially female products, which help with problems “down there,” not to mention the new ads for crooked penises. “Hey Dad! Whip it out and make sure your Johnson is still straight as an IRS accountant.” Have you no shame? Might P&J suggest that to acknowledge the way this country is heading, the airwaves be filled with more ads for assault rifles and Everclear whiskey, otherwise know as moonshine, which comes in at 90% alcohol (read: 180 proof) and can strip the paint off a Humvee? 

So go out and get some quack doctor with a degree from a Mexican medical school to write you scripts for drugs you see on the boob tube, which may have the announced side effect of causing you to die, which we understand to be a health risk, or to which you are allergic, which actually makes P&J laugh out loud, because you need to try the drug before you know if you are allergic to it, and can bypass that death side effect before the drug’s verdict comes in.

Hail, Mammon!




It’s a Twister!: Spitting truth bombs like a sharknado spits sharks

Shit My Bishop Says

Roll over Jesus. There’s a new messiah on mundi. The true Messiah was born on April 1, 1948, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He alone holds the keys to the kingdom of Heaven with a big brain full of his Christian alt facts.  Known by many names, His earthly name of Thomas Joseph Tobin (or T-Money to his various boomer disciples), the reigning Bishop of Providence recently went a step further in His most holy quest of saying, “Well, actually” to the world at large. Instead of at poor young choir boys or Planned Parenthood, Bishop Tobin took a shot at A-1: the Pope himself.

In the gospel according to Thomas Tobin, the Tobin is always right. In regular, old-time Christian religion, it has been universally acknowledged that the same individual was also Christ’s representative on earth, and that when the Pope talks, he is talking as a conduit of the Lord. But since it has come to light that Christ is a fraud, and that Tobin is the true Son of God, this also means the Pope is nothing more than a lying charlatan. In fact, when His (Un) Holiness in the Vatican proclaimed last week that homosexuals should also have romantic rights acknowledged by the Church (yuck!), our T-Money Messiah was quick to pronounce the ways as contradictory, and a liberal plot to elect Joe BIden and usher in a new age of darkness.

White Out

Last week, the Atlantic Shark Institute (ASI) reported that two great white sharks were detected off the coast of Rhode Island during October. While rumors of the massive predators have circled in the Ocean State for years, this is the first confirmed identification so close to home. In an official release, the ASI commented that, “We are certainly excited by the news. However, seeing the year we’ve had, we’re raising the probability rating of our Sharknado forecast much higher than usual.”

According to local wires, both Amica and Roger Corman-wannabe filmmakers everywhere greeted the new forecast with thunderous applause.

Presidential Debates: What They Really Mean

As we all recover from this year’s Presidential Squabbling Match, Alt-Facts has followed up with clarifying quotes on what the candidates meant when they were talking over each other.

Race relations:

“White supremacy is the ultimate example of evolution, fact. That’s a fact. That’s a fact. The people love the science behind that, don’t we, folks? But it is also a lie, evolution. Evolution is a big, fat lie. Evolution was invented by blue states to get you to accept soft drinks with the straws.“ – Donald Trump

“I like Black people, and Black people like me. Look at me America, look down the camera, do you see someone who likes Black people? Yes, you do.” – Boe R. Jiden

On Foreign Policy

“We have great relations with Alaska, great. The best. Alaskans love me. Love me. I am maybe their favorite person. Who knows?” – Donald Trump

“The world is our friend, and we need to get back to leading it. For too long has Donald Trump ruined our reputation, even your regular milquetoast Americans are starting to notice our rampant imperialism abroad. To quote Spiderman, who is my friend: The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum – even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that there’s free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate.” – Joe Biden

On the Pandemic

“I’m back because I am a perfect physical specimen and I’m extremely young, and so I am lucky in that way.”– Donald Trump

“EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE! Unless you vote blue. Look down the lens, America, YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!” – Joe Biden

On Climate Change

“It was 75 last week in October. How could climate change be real? We’re getting this beautiful weather all the time, and we love it, don’t we, folks? How is the planet suffering from rising sea levels when there’s a drought every summer?” – Donald Trump

“In my hometown of Scranton, children are being born with gills, like in Aquaman. People of Scranton, look at me. Do you want your children being born with gills? No? Then, vote for me on November 23rd.” – Joe Biden




Down with COVID: Walking Eagle’s a super spreader, absolutely tremendous, everybody’s talking about it

We Told You So

Just as Phillipe and Jorge went to press, we learned that President Walking Eagle (he’s so full of shit he can’t fly) and his First Lady, Melorderbride, have tested positive for the coronavirus. Gosh, we immediately put on black snoods and worried our prayer beads. Walking Eagle has since flown to Walter Reed.

That the ignorance and arrogance of The Donald was put on full display and highlighted by COVID-19 was no surprise. He who called the COVID pandemic a hoax and refused to wear a mask despite all the best medical advice – even mocking his presidential election opponent Joe Biden for wearing one – and completely lying about his abysmal and ultimately fatal reaction to warnings about the coronavirus that has the US with ticking up to more than 200,000 deaths, now has the chickens coming home to roost.

The visual image of the Orange Orangutan that immediately comes to P&J’s mind is that of him shuffling down a hospital corridor, naked under a backless johnnie, looking for a comb and some hair spray while alternately berating or trying to hit on the female nurses. Tres presidential, n’est-ce pas? How would you like to have this bloviating blowhard as your patient?

There are a number of reasons P&J can think of as to why this biological avenging angel struck our commander in chief:

–       He didn’t take the advice of the best healthcare professionals in the world

–       He refused to wear a mask until he was publicly shamed into it, and allowed his staff and political appointees to play to his vanity by not wearing them either

–       He brought together cheek-by-jowl crowds at his rallies in open defiance of the social distancing being put into force by any municipality or state with a leader who possessed an IQ over 50

–       God just got fed up by sending all the warning signs anyone other than a self-centered idiot could figure out, and decided to smite him personally, muttering, “Get it now, asshole?”

–       – Etc, etc, etc.

At least this overweight, 74-year-old insane stable genius who may as well have a target for COVID-19 painted on his back for becoming infected will now have an excuse for his daily mindless and knowingly misinformed comments and decisions. Meanwhile, the American public can just stand by and watch as Walking Eagle melts into a puddle a la the Wicked Witch of the West, shrieking, “I’ll get you my pretties, I’ll get you,” leaving only whatever of his hair is actually a rug atop the mess.

We expect that if worse comes to worst (and of course P&J would never hope that The Donald pops his clogs due to COVID-19), Fox News will have exclusive rights to his post-mortem events, with Sean Hannity presiding over his memorial service. And we assume all his enablers will be given day passes from whatever white-collar prisons they are in to attend. Wearing masks, thank you very much.

Sideshow Don Meets Joe B

Your superior correspondents, along with millions of others, dutifully tuned in to what was billed as a presidential debate on Tuesday evening, September 30. What we got instead was a childish display of ill temper by the sitting president of the United States, while Joe Biden and moderator Chris Wallace tried, but failed, to make things at least appear civil. 

The “debate,” or whatever you would call the event that was televised from Cleveland that evening, would have been better suited to the moderator skills of the late Don Rickles than Chris Wallace. Subsequently, it was announced that Steve Scully from C-Span would moderate the next debate. What no one can apparently figure out, however, is how to control the behavior of the President of the United States in order to have the semblance of an actual debate. The suggestion of muting one’s mic while his opponent has the floor would be a good first step. 

We would hope there are enough voting citizens out there watching this who are mentally stable enough to see that the current president is dangerously unstable and another four years of his lunacy will sink our country into further despair. (To that end, P&J will be wearing our official New Orleans-certified “Geaux Jeaux” t-shirts right up to November 3.)

Wit Will Win Out

Prior to the Trump/COVID news, which will doubtless prompt a tsunami of editorials and op-eds about Walking Eagle’s getting what he deserves, the best column on Massa Trump came from Nicholas Kristof in the Sunday New York Times of September 27, titled “To Beat Trump, Mock Him.”

Bullies, impostors and liars hate to be exposed and tweaked by someone with a grin on their face. Yet Americans who are horrified by the thought of another four years of this dangerous clown play into his hands by rearing up on their hind legs and shouting back at him, while looking at the public and essentially blaming them with an undertone of “Why can’t you morons understand?” That’s no way to sway people to your cause.

Kristof hit the nail on its head by writing, “I suggest that Americans aghast at Trump absorb a lesson from abroad: Authoritarians are pompous creatures with monstrous egos and so tend to be particularly vulnerable to humor. They look mighty but are often balloons in need of a sharp pin.”

Kristof gives examples from Serbia to Malaysia about some of the slyly humorous public stunts pulled off by opponents of the corrupt and (sometimes murderous) dictators of their countries. There are no people more adept at this than the Brits, and we should follow suit. It was they who greeted Trump on his official visit to England with the famous Macy’s parade-style giant balloon accurately portraying The Donald whining and crying and wearing diapers. The Big Baby, which is exactly what our president is with his often-childish vocabulary and nicknaming penchant, had to piss him off more than someone screaming at him from beyond a barricade while wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Che Guevara on it.

P&J have attempted to take this road of death by a thousand absurd cuts for 40 years, with admittedly at times too-strident screams for justice from people to whom we – and you, boys and girls – are looked upon with disdain and whose views matter not at all. Unless you stick them in the ribs with a stiletto rather than bash them on the head with a sledgehammer. So go for the funny bone, where you will find more effect. And as Kristof points out through a brilliant and inspiring 1945 quote from George Orwell: “Every joke is a tiny revolution.”




High Stakes: There’s a lot going on in the minds of Americans

Everything You Wanted to Know About the Electorate (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Doomers: “I didn’t vote because Rhode Island was going blue anyway. You want to make a difference? Move to Florida, man. And I can’t do that.

Republican Voters of Any Age: “I enjoy setting fire to other people’s pets. And you can’t stop me because it’s protected by Jesus and the Second Amendment. I also wish my penis was a little bit bigger.”

Brethren of Bernard Sanders: “If we all write ‘Bernie’ on the ballot, the glorious Leader will win by an historic landslide, and the Socialist Republic of Vermont will roll forth across the land! Now let us all sing, Hail, Hail, Hallelujah, Bernie is Lord and create effigies of Him from maple syrup and moose hair.”

Retired Republican voters: “Wait a minute… Young people want a future after I’m dead? Can’t have that!”

Bidenites: “It’s going to be hip and cool. Black people will have their thing, the housewife will be happy and have some rights and things, gays will be cool with being gay, and all that jazz. You know?”

Trumpites: “There is one truth. There is one light. There are three terms. Maybe more, who knows, we deserve it, that’s all we’re saying. Maybe he’ll serve three and anoint Donald Jr., which is fair, fair. Stepping down and providing a successor. Uber thoughtful. JKF didn’t do that, think about it.”

RBG Dies… Thoughts from the Disillusioned (And Possibly Very Drunk)

In classic alt news fashion in the wake of a tragedy, the Cowboy gathers the thoughts of politicos at the bottom of their fifth bourbon following the passing of “notoriously not alive” RBG.

“The Republicans will just push through whatever batshit Federalist Society MFer who gets hard taking dumps on poor people and anyone with skin darker than alabaster.”

“An absolute rogue nation, a failed state. An overbaked pie that looked great when it went into the oven, but came out burnt, on fire, and now no amount of ice cream can fix it.”

“She should have resigned when Obama was in power… she knew she was old, and a Republican successor was likely. RBG is the ultimate example of taking Deal or No Deal one step too far.”

“Well, the GOP will focus on her replacement for a while. That will take the heat off making the post office a sworn enemy of the state and allowing mail ballots to slip through… I can’t believe I’m saying these words.”

Remember to vote in November. Thanks.

Shadow Economies Return Product

Across the world, fake American passports are being returned to their counterfeiters en masse. “We are no longer satisfied with the arrangement,” explained one former buyer. “An American passport can’t even get you out of New Jersey these days, never mind Vladvostock.” Another frequent flyer complained, “There’s more profit to be made in selling Americans toilet paper and hand sanitizer than trading the worthless USD.” 

The news has been welcomed in DC. “It shows we’re number one in the world at being a failure, and when America is number one, we’re all greater as a result.” Crowds cheered “USA! USA! USA” and then blithely dumpster dove for their next meal.

Mild Conditions

Stalingrad, Soviet Union, March 2nd, 1953 — Comrade Stalin has taken intense criticism for use of gulags for families coming across the board and the way he handed the recent bouts of Spanish Flu. Stalin has been holding massive rallies denying the existence of Spanish Flu, decrying it as an American plot to undermine Soviet economic supremacy and the progress of the five year plan. Reports have steadily come in that the General Secretary of the Communist Party has caught a bout of the Spanish Flu from a “superspreader” event last week commemorating the latest nominee to the Politburo. 

Comrade Stalin has voluntarily checked into Walterski Reedsitzki Memorial Gulag under intense supervision, assuring the public through a series of bizarre newsreels that while he has a confirmed Spanish Flu diagnosis he is quoted: “Going welI, I think! Thank you to all. LOVE!!!”

First Comrade Lady Mrs. Stalin is staying home in the dacha, reporting only mild symptoms of the Spanish Flu. Mrs. Stalin just before Comrade Stalin’s confirmed flu diagnosis was the subject of scandal just the day before, when newsreel The March of Time revealed secret recordings of conversations with the First Comrade Lady. Mrs Stalin’s statements included hating having to decorate for October Revolution Day and disparaging fallen veterans of the Great Patriotic War.




Procorruption: Master debater

As director of Corruption Rules, I can’t tell you how excited we are about the upcoming re-election of our dear leader, President Trump. Despite his apathy toward more than 200,000 COVID deaths, recent polls show him well over 40% approval and trailing Biden by less than 10% in the general election, well on his way to victory. What a country!

During the first debate, Trump demonstrated what makes him a strong President. He out-spoke Biden by a ratio of 3-1 words, and clearly won the debate despite facing two opponents: sleepy Joe Biden and turncoat Fox News pundit Chris Wallace.

This debate exposed the bias in so-called fact checking. For this debate, Biden’s lies never were questioned, such as his statements that Trump is a clown or the worst President ever. Why doesn’t Trump get credit for his totally accurate statement that he’s accomplished more in 47 months than Biden has in 47 years?

Why not give Trump credit for admitting the word smart should never apply to him? As for intelligence, has Biden shown anywhere near Trump’s genius for understanding what this country is built on — corruption, capitalism, racism, sexism, transphobia, settler-colonialism, dishonesty, self-interest and 20 other things needed to succeed in white politics without really trying? Would Biden have even thought to give orders to a white supremacist militia on air?  I think our dear President deserves credit for safeguarding our polls at no expense to the government. What does he get instead? Threats of muting his microphone in future debates. Have you ever heard of such political violence?

What also excited us was the demonstration by tens of thousands from our Rhode Island Republican support group, a state that would only vote for Trump if Biden drank Del’s with a straw. Those demonstrators showed tremendous courage by throwing away all of their credibility and self-respect to show public support of our Large President. They ignore countervailing opinions such as: “Current supporters of the President are cult-like simps who should never be taken seriously or considered rational human beings, and should be considered criminal accomplices in the death and destruction caused by Trump’s negligent homicide.“ This courage will send a strong message to the rest of the country, especially those traitors and cowards who have been criticizing Trump.

We don’t think most Trump supporters are stupid, amoral, or part of a crime family. We believe they are bright enough to realize what an evil genius Trump is. They’re smart enough to realize any criticism of Trump is the result of fake news, fake polls and some fake idea of what our country is or should be. Do you really think if even a portion of this bad stuff were true, Trump would still have a real chance to win this election, or God would have chosen him to lead this country? What type of country do you think we are?