Vote Uncle Dan!: Wearing cool shades and drinking something non-dairy, new gov takes the state by storm

And Now for Something Completely Different

In keeping with the time honored tradition of sponsoring the natural environment with state names, Rhode Island is now considering adding a “state coral” to the list of “official state” flora and fauna. The lucky winner is Astrangia poculata, the Northern Star Coral, which is normally found in Narragansett Bay, but occasionally turns up in seaside montages at your local preschool. Yet the move has been met with outcry from some members of the marine invertebrates community, claiming that singling out just one species of coral is a sign of favoritism. 

“I mean, what has coral ever done for the people of Rhode Island?” challenged Mick O’Yster, spokescoral for the Rhode Island Shellfish Division (RISD). “It’s not like they sacrifice millions of their species every year to supply all those clam shacks! Cheeky monkeys if you ask me.”

In response, Governor McKee has agreed to give every living being in the State of Rhode Island an official designation, but this has become a problem with the Big Blue Bug becoming the Official State Bug, since the Official State Insect, the American burying beetle, already holds a similar office. Not to be outfoxed, McKee deftly redesignated the iconic landmark on 195 as the Official State Wonder. But this drew immediate complaints from, Bishop Tobin, who has been calling himself the Rhode Island State Wonder for years.

Ganja Believe It?

And just like that, a bill has emerged to legalize adult-use cannabis in Rhode Island. Despite having more holes than a Cianci legal argument, it appears that Lil Rhody is set to see the proposal steamrolled through and legalized sometime in the summer. The move has been welcomed by underground growers, who with their tax-free product don’t have to worry about donating toward the next set of roadworks on the Providence/Cranston line. Meanwhile, in the State House, hip and happenin’ Dan is drafting a proposal to install environmentally friendly, single-use bongs in the second floor bathrooms, just the latest move to win over the state’s young voters before the next election. 

“It’ll work,” commented McKee, wearing shades and drinking an almond milk latte from Brewed Awakenings. “Rhode Island has young people and in them there is a future. Bongs in bathrooms was the next logical step.”

Biden His Time

With both Gina and former Mayor of Boston Marty Walsh heading south to join the Biden Administration, Governor McKee has seen the path laid out for him. 

“What’s up in 2028, when a whole new bunch of politicos get their chance at ultimate stardom, will largely depend on the awesome shit we plan to do during our tenure in the State House,” commented an aide to the governor during a sneaky (socially distanced) beer at the wee bar downtown.

“Expect a monorail linking PVD to frontier towns like Burriville and Exeter, and we are also planning to build a cool, massive skatepark in the adandoned lots near the sewage works.”

It all sounds a lot of fun, but what I’m really looking forward to is the social laser tag game. Like the scooters found around the city, the new administration will install laser tag backpacks — rent a set for an hour and go have some fun! And remember: Vote Uncle Dan!

Emperor Denies Getting New Clothes: Fashion industry in an uproar

The nation’s capital descended into its fourth straight week of protests. The outcry started in the first week of November, when the emperor refuted a claim he had purchased a brand new wardrobe made of the finest Parisian silks. In a follow-up press conference the following morning, his Majesty asserted, “I’m always naked from the socks up. The suit I’m currently wearing is a manufactured illusion by my enemies.”

“Why would I need clothes?” he continued. “I mean, look at me, I am naked, I am always naked. Everybody wants to see me naked. It’s a form of national service, really.” A statement from the emperor’s legal counsel indicated they are demanding an inquiry in the entire clothes-making industry to prove they do not actually make clothes.

Protestors Protest Emperor’s Lack of New Clothes Claim

Pro-emperor protests gathered in large numbers one morning, citing frustration at the quickly escalating the-Emperor-Maybe-Has-Clothes scandal. The groups, who refer to themselves as the Emperor’s Squadron, rode Harley-Davidson motorcycles down the capital’s main streets, hollering at pedestrians and demanding all weavers cease operations until their group can confirm whether the emperor wears clothes. 

Members of the Emperor’s Squadron are also on record advocating for deporting immigrants back to their countries of origin, and draining a public works project they call “the deep state.” They tote guns and dress up in bright Hawaiian shirts over their squadron-issued Harley-Davidson tees. “It’s plain as day our emperor is always as naked as an infant,” says one squadron member. “The illusion that he is dressed is the lamestream media projecting, in order to shield his glorious figure from underage voters and other patrons of Cracker Barrel.”

It’s Black Friday for Bookies

Bookies across the Empire are taking bets on what’s coming down first: Emperor Squadron banners or this year’s Christmas decorations. The betting industry is making a comeback, but not all are so happy with the recent social unrest.

“We wish they’d go out and get a job,” said Bertie, a seasonal worker from a local strip mall. “But all they do is sit around the place and take advantage of the fruits of our labor. Protesting whether the emperor has clothes or not is a privilege for those who have the luxury to do so.” 

No one in the squadron could cobble together a statement refuting it before press time, however, Mckenzie has vowed protesters will find something else to get indignant about. “Don’t worry,” he told us over text. “Our members will soon be drafted into the war on Christmas, and we’ll rally against pagan propaganda on take-out cups.”

It’s a Twister!: Spitting truth bombs like a sharknado spits sharks

Shit My Bishop Says

Roll over Jesus. There’s a new messiah on mundi. The true Messiah was born on April 1, 1948, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He alone holds the keys to the kingdom of Heaven with a big brain full of his Christian alt facts.  Known by many names, His earthly name of Thomas Joseph Tobin (or T-Money to his various boomer disciples), the reigning Bishop of Providence recently went a step further in His most holy quest of saying, “Well, actually” to the world at large. Instead of at poor young choir boys or Planned Parenthood, Bishop Tobin took a shot at A-1: the Pope himself.

In the gospel according to Thomas Tobin, the Tobin is always right. In regular, old-time Christian religion, it has been universally acknowledged that the same individual was also Christ’s representative on earth, and that when the Pope talks, he is talking as a conduit of the Lord. But since it has come to light that Christ is a fraud, and that Tobin is the true Son of God, this also means the Pope is nothing more than a lying charlatan. In fact, when His (Un) Holiness in the Vatican proclaimed last week that homosexuals should also have romantic rights acknowledged by the Church (yuck!), our T-Money Messiah was quick to pronounce the ways as contradictory, and a liberal plot to elect Joe BIden and usher in a new age of darkness.

White Out

Last week, the Atlantic Shark Institute (ASI) reported that two great white sharks were detected off the coast of Rhode Island during October. While rumors of the massive predators have circled in the Ocean State for years, this is the first confirmed identification so close to home. In an official release, the ASI commented that, “We are certainly excited by the news. However, seeing the year we’ve had, we’re raising the probability rating of our Sharknado forecast much higher than usual.”

According to local wires, both Amica and Roger Corman-wannabe filmmakers everywhere greeted the new forecast with thunderous applause.

Presidential Debates: What They Really Mean

As we all recover from this year’s Presidential Squabbling Match, Alt-Facts has followed up with clarifying quotes on what the candidates meant when they were talking over each other.

Race relations:

“White supremacy is the ultimate example of evolution, fact. That’s a fact. That’s a fact. The people love the science behind that, don’t we, folks? But it is also a lie, evolution. Evolution is a big, fat lie. Evolution was invented by blue states to get you to accept soft drinks with the straws.“ – Donald Trump

“I like Black people, and Black people like me. Look at me America, look down the camera, do you see someone who likes Black people? Yes, you do.” – Boe R. Jiden

On Foreign Policy

“We have great relations with Alaska, great. The best. Alaskans love me. Love me. I am maybe their favorite person. Who knows?” – Donald Trump

“The world is our friend, and we need to get back to leading it. For too long has Donald Trump ruined our reputation, even your regular milquetoast Americans are starting to notice our rampant imperialism abroad. To quote Spiderman, who is my friend: The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum – even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that there’s free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate.” – Joe Biden

On the Pandemic

“I’m back because I am a perfect physical specimen and I’m extremely young, and so I am lucky in that way.”– Donald Trump

“EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE! Unless you vote blue. Look down the lens, America, YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!” – Joe Biden

On Climate Change

“It was 75 last week in October. How could climate change be real? We’re getting this beautiful weather all the time, and we love it, don’t we, folks? How is the planet suffering from rising sea levels when there’s a drought every summer?” – Donald Trump

“In my hometown of Scranton, children are being born with gills, like in Aquaman. People of Scranton, look at me. Do you want your children being born with gills? No? Then, vote for me on November 23rd.” – Joe Biden

High Stakes: There’s a lot going on in the minds of Americans

Everything You Wanted to Know About the Electorate (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Doomers: “I didn’t vote because Rhode Island was going blue anyway. You want to make a difference? Move to Florida, man. And I can’t do that.

Republican Voters of Any Age: “I enjoy setting fire to other people’s pets. And you can’t stop me because it’s protected by Jesus and the Second Amendment. I also wish my penis was a little bit bigger.”

Brethren of Bernard Sanders: “If we all write ‘Bernie’ on the ballot, the glorious Leader will win by an historic landslide, and the Socialist Republic of Vermont will roll forth across the land! Now let us all sing, Hail, Hail, Hallelujah, Bernie is Lord and create effigies of Him from maple syrup and moose hair.”

Retired Republican voters: “Wait a minute… Young people want a future after I’m dead? Can’t have that!”

Bidenites: “It’s going to be hip and cool. Black people will have their thing, the housewife will be happy and have some rights and things, gays will be cool with being gay, and all that jazz. You know?”

Trumpites: “There is one truth. There is one light. There are three terms. Maybe more, who knows, we deserve it, that’s all we’re saying. Maybe he’ll serve three and anoint Donald Jr., which is fair, fair. Stepping down and providing a successor. Uber thoughtful. JKF didn’t do that, think about it.”

RBG Dies… Thoughts from the Disillusioned (And Possibly Very Drunk)

In classic alt news fashion in the wake of a tragedy, the Cowboy gathers the thoughts of politicos at the bottom of their fifth bourbon following the passing of “notoriously not alive” RBG.

“The Republicans will just push through whatever batshit Federalist Society MFer who gets hard taking dumps on poor people and anyone with skin darker than alabaster.”

“An absolute rogue nation, a failed state. An overbaked pie that looked great when it went into the oven, but came out burnt, on fire, and now no amount of ice cream can fix it.”

“She should have resigned when Obama was in power… she knew she was old, and a Republican successor was likely. RBG is the ultimate example of taking Deal or No Deal one step too far.”

“Well, the GOP will focus on her replacement for a while. That will take the heat off making the post office a sworn enemy of the state and allowing mail ballots to slip through… I can’t believe I’m saying these words.”

Remember to vote in November. Thanks.

Shadow Economies Return Product

Across the world, fake American passports are being returned to their counterfeiters en masse. “We are no longer satisfied with the arrangement,” explained one former buyer. “An American passport can’t even get you out of New Jersey these days, never mind Vladvostock.” Another frequent flyer complained, “There’s more profit to be made in selling Americans toilet paper and hand sanitizer than trading the worthless USD.” 

The news has been welcomed in DC. “It shows we’re number one in the world at being a failure, and when America is number one, we’re all greater as a result.” Crowds cheered “USA! USA! USA” and then blithely dumpster dove for their next meal.

Mild Conditions

Stalingrad, Soviet Union, March 2nd, 1953 — Comrade Stalin has taken intense criticism for use of gulags for families coming across the board and the way he handed the recent bouts of Spanish Flu. Stalin has been holding massive rallies denying the existence of Spanish Flu, decrying it as an American plot to undermine Soviet economic supremacy and the progress of the five year plan. Reports have steadily come in that the General Secretary of the Communist Party has caught a bout of the Spanish Flu from a “superspreader” event last week commemorating the latest nominee to the Politburo. 

Comrade Stalin has voluntarily checked into Walterski Reedsitzki Memorial Gulag under intense supervision, assuring the public through a series of bizarre newsreels that while he has a confirmed Spanish Flu diagnosis he is quoted: “Going welI, I think! Thank you to all. LOVE!!!”

First Comrade Lady Mrs. Stalin is staying home in the dacha, reporting only mild symptoms of the Spanish Flu. Mrs. Stalin just before Comrade Stalin’s confirmed flu diagnosis was the subject of scandal just the day before, when newsreel The March of Time revealed secret recordings of conversations with the First Comrade Lady. Mrs Stalin’s statements included hating having to decorate for October Revolution Day and disparaging fallen veterans of the Great Patriotic War.

Fall of Civilization: AltFacts makes some predictions to help you navigate the season

Trick eTreat

With the likelihood of the COVID-19 pandemic continuing through the winter, Governor Gina Raimondo has announced that trick-or-treating will be prohibited this Halloween. But the noted lover-of-children has a trick up her sleeve. Kids of the Ocean State can pester their neighbors for protection candy through Zoom video conferences. Their targets will be expected to fulfill Amazon wishlists to ensure their homes don’t become the subject of a dreaded TikTok video. Internet access has finally been installed in the bedroom communities west of I-95, enlarging the racket to cover Eastern Connecticut. The news has been met with rapturous applause, with Hopkinton beef farmer Han Berger commenting that, “Not for nothin’ — with the web we can now access, meaning we don’t have to scratch images of chickens in the sand anymore. Boom!” 

Cold Weather Gear

With the introduction of the pumpkin spice facemask, local tech startup SnugMug is announcing the launch of three additional scents. Customers this fall can choose from the sweet smell of warm apple pie, cinnamon brown sugar or the docks off Allens Ave. Looking ahead into the colder months, the firm promises masks that can withstand not only extreme temperatures, but also the endless stream of bullshit forecasted to come from football fans ahead of the Superbowl.

Biden on Trail

Following revelations made during President Trump’s nomination speech that Joe Biden is responsible for everything bad that has ever happened in American history ever, Alt-Facts called up guest commentator Grumpy McTrumpy to offer further insights into the former Vice President’s criminal past.

  1. The assassination of Julius Caesar (Memphis, January 1937)
  2. Instigating the Cold War (and encouraging Communist insurgents in Racine, Winsconsin)
  3. Y2K (Biden tried to crash the world and reset the banks, but God intervened)
  4. Battle of Gettysburg (Sleepy Joe let the Rebels in the back door, but they were in the right anyway)
  5. California Wildfires (Baddie Biden set fire to forest floors littered with free pine needles just to stoke the anti-capitalist conspiracy of climate change)
  6. Slavery (Joe Biden instigated the trans-Atlantic slave trade so he could benefit from the Black vote down the line)
  7. The extinction of the black rhino (just to make the white rhino look bad)
  8. Allan Fung – (a choice so awful, you had to keep voting Democrat)

Clean-Up in Aisle Three: No more dirty politics

Clean Politics

Marty the Stop and Shop cleaning robot (Store #0723, Metacom Ave, Bristol) has declared his intention to run in the Presidential election this autumn. “My job is to clean up messes,” said Marty in his campaign announcement. “And the Oval Office is the ultimate in clean-up jobs. If I had been around in the Clinton years, that dress would have been so clean, Bill would have never been impeached, just cancelled.” Speaking with Alt-Facts, Mr. Stop and Shop’s campaign manager, Bee Rush-Pan, commented, “Marty’s inimitable slogan, SUCK IT UP 2020, is the only thing voters should be thinking this November.” Rush-Pan denied allegations that Marty’s slogan was too close to the “Settle for Biden” slogan that Democrats coalesced around last month.

Snowbirds Take Off

Governor Raimondo signed an executive order today, instructing all able-bodied Rhode Islanders to move to Florida. “With Floridians likely to be extinct by Thanksgiving,” Raimondo stated in a press release, “this is a prime opportunity to add another ocean to the Ocean State.” State officials are eager to avoid losing electoral college votes and Congressional Critter offices by this rapid expansion.

The release has been met with alarm by the local Republican caucus in the General Assembly, who are not eager to lose another Red State in the Union. “We might gain a few members,” admitted Lance Corporal of Burrillville, “but they’ll never want to make the commute from Jacksonville to Providence in the official party clown car for Assembly meetings.” GOP communications strategists have made it clear they will take to the series of tubes called the internet and complain on their grandchildren’s Facebook pages.

Tidying Things Up

Some things just don’t make sense: tofu, socks with sandals, Dan McKee. That all pales alongside a map of Rhode Island. Gina has tasked Middletown’s star cartographer, Dr. Mazon Dickson, with tidying things up. “East Providence will be merged with the city’s East Side,” explains Dickson in an exclusive reveal to Alt-Facts, “while North Providence will be amended to Northwest Providence, because that’s where it actually is.” The changes are intended to make the state more streamlined and more attractive to small family-owned businesses such as Raytheon, Costco and Pottery Barn.

Dickson reveals that Cranston will be renamed Cranstopia, and West Warwick will be divided into West West Warwick and Warwick Minor. East West Warwick won’t exist, says Dickson, but Warwick Major (as it will soon be known) will be allocated three further villages within its town limits (to join Conimicut, Oakland Beach and the rest), including South Central Warwick and South by Southwest Warwick. “The proposals have been met with universal acclaim,” explained Dickson, “with the only real protests coming from the owners of cliffside mansions in Slavery-Owner Town.”

We Have Free Speech: And I’d like to speak to your manager

Leave the White People Alone: An Open Letter

Dear Manager of “Black Lives Matter,”

We have been hearing a lot about “people of color” of late and how these communities have been experiencing prejudice in the free nation that is the United State of America. In case you hadn’t noticed, this is extremely prejudicial itself. Let me remind you that white is a color too. Since this whole Black Lives Matter racket kicked off, we in the American community have experienced nothing but prejudice against us and our children. We founded this nation and laid all the groundwork for the very same society that you are currently hating on. What nerve! Frankly, we find it inconsiderate and downright thankless, like Timmy on Christmas morning when he gets a pair of Air Jordans instead of a perfectly nice pair of all white New Balances.

We of course support and encourage your right to free speech — after all, our founding fathers did extend you that right — but why must you do it in our neighborhoods? We have been nothing but kind to each minority since they arrived on these golden shores. We even gave the Indians some nice reservations on which they can smoke the peace pipe and perform dances in harmony with Mother Nature.

Hopefully, you will settle this matter peacefully and without further certain remarks against white people. Ideally by the autumn so we can sink our heads right back into the sand in time for Thanksgiving.

In the meantime, if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out. We in the American community will always do what we can to help our less fortunate brethren in need.

Clueless as ever,

Karen J. Hopkins (47, accounting)
Foundation Uniting Concerned Karens of Foster (F.U.C.K.O.F.F)

The Best Places to Take a Roadside Pee: Rhode Island Edition

We’ve all been there, slogging along on a 47-hour trip back from the Cape on a hot summer’s evening, bladders bursting at the seams for a pee. Now you have a handy guide to navigate you through the urine-stained highlights of Rhody’s best out-of-home urine stations.

1)  Truck Layby on 146 North (just outside Slatersville)

Complete with woods and a view of the highway, this curved piece of asphalt from heaven is the ideal spot to get in touch with the birds and the bees.

2)  Speedway on 83 Point Street

Recently voted Rhode Island’s #1 gas station on Yelp, this snazzy fuel stop is just the place to use the bathroom and snap a selfie at one of the Ocean State’s most prized attractions.

3)  The Big Blue Bug

Not advocating this in the slightest (really, don’t do this), but some say that if you stand on the head of the Big Blue Bug and pee directly southeast, you’ll hit a bunch of those shifty-looking billboard lawyers right in the eye.

4)  Rhode Island State House

Rumor has it that the bathrooms in the State House are made of marble, threaded with gold and bound together with unicorn semen. Definitely worth a visit (if true). Catch sight of the 4th largest unsupported dome in American architecture (besides s certain former governor’s bald spot)

 5)  The Side of any Brown University building

For what they charge tuition? You better, you better, you bet.

  6) Into a Bottle of Sam Adams

Because nobody will know the difference (this message sponsored by Narragansett Beer).

 7)  Anywhere in Cranston

They know what they did.

Happy Birthday to ourselves!

Alt-Facts turns two this summer! To celebrate, here are some of the best accolades we’ve received over the past 24 months.

“My favorite source of fake news.” – Donald Trump

“It’s all lies.” – Newspaper Cowboy

“Thank you AltFacts for helping us, I mean me, win an election.” – Vladimir Putin

“I was never in AltFacts.” – Gina Raimondo

“AltFacts… I apologize, but I don’t even know what you are talking about.” – Nicholas Mattiello

Locals Take Action: Grappling with recent changes ain’t easy

Pub Life: A Plea from the Bars of Rhode Island Syndicate (B.O.R.I.S):

While pub and bar owners across Rhode Island are looking forward to lockdown restrictions being lifted, the industry still faces a crisis. Public drinking establishments were feeling the pinch long before the pandemic hit, and even as society starts to return to normal, social distancing will mean fewer people in watering holes. This calls for drastic action, and B.O.R.I.S is calling for a new, universal approach to drinking. First, they encourage occasional drinkers to step aside. No more passers-by, no more single round wasters, no more social sipping to be polite. Instead, it’s time that serious drinkers step up to the table and show us what they’re made of. Get over to your local bar and hammer down six pints before breakfast. Empty that half-empty bottle of top shelf scotch. Have your martini shaken, stirred and fired down your gullet before you can say, “Hey, is that cirrhosis?” Whatever you decide to do, B.O.R.I.S is encouraging all of you to unite in a common goal: Drink irresponsibly. And teach your kids, too.

Sexy Farmers

With lockdown rules over public gatherings still remaining hazy, farmers across Rhode Island are worried they won’t be able to gather in sufficient numbers to work in their fields over the summer. And that means no more driving trucks to and from the pasture, one arm leaning on the window, face being leathered by the midday sun. To compensate for what was voted Sexiest Farm Look, (Situate), 2019, beauty salons across the state are starting to offer farmer’s tans for any fashionable agriculturalist still seeking a mate. “We’ve designed a stencil resembling the outline of a t-shirt and a John Deere hat,” comments Mas Kara, owner of Beauti 4 U sâlon, in Coventry “and we place that on top of the client being tanned. That way clients can ensure an even look that is guaranteed to make farm animals of all breeds go wild.” Expect a spike in births in the Johnston area, come February.

Newport Goes to War

Newport City Council declared war against East Greenwich on Tuesday after the Kent County settlement was awarded the recognition of Town Most Up Its Own Hole, 2020. “After 35 years as the most proudly pretentious town in the State, Newport is disgusted that the recognition has been given to those pretenders in East Greenwich,” commented an official spokesperson. “And let’s face it, Newport is located on the only actual island in Rhode Island. The rest is mere plantation land. Peasants and the like.” Despite the fury, the war was short lasting. Upon approaching the Pell bridge, the armies of Newport were turned away by police for breaching lockdown orders. All were too polite to argue, and quietly slunk home for some brandy and a spot of tennis. At time of publication, both towns agree that the other is populated by wankers.

Takeout Cocktails?: The Darwin Awards return

Remember the Darwin Awards? A craze in the early to mid-noughties, these rude dedications acknowledge members of society who expire in the most unlikely (read, ridiculous, or ironically sinister) fashions. Well, they’re back, but now with a novel, Rhode Island twist. 

It all began during the after-party that followed last Thursday’s lifting of the stay-at-home order. From atop a glass table smeared with glitter and campaign stickers, Governor Raimondo (wine glass in hand, one shoe missing) announced the rebooting of the Darwin series as an explanation for why she decided to include booze as a takeaway option (for the first time in the state’s history) as part of the lifting of COVID-driven restrictions.
“It’s gonna be fackin’ brilliant,” said the governor from atop her slippery pulpit. “Just imagine it. Joey and Denise pick up an order of crab rangoons and six mai tais… And then drive home! Can you imagine the contorted car wrecks you’ll see on 95? It’s gonna be faaaaahckin brilliant. Darwin Awards, boom!”

Exclusive reports also reveal that the new policy additionally aims to thin out the state’s population. “It’s all about survival of the fittest,” commented an anonymous source. “First comes the relaxing of the stay-at-home orders. Anyone dumb enough to think it’s miraculously safe to go outside all of the sudden deserves to die.

“If we can kill off the less common-sensical members of the population through arbitrary bread and circus gimmicks, then recovery will be easier, as well as more intellectually robust. That’s about as Darwin as it comes.”
Because really, who the starts to reopen the doors and legalizes takeaway booze during an ongoing, uncontrolled pandemic? 

Ginacide: Coming Soon

AltFacts: For Shame!

In his latest lurch toward a more authoritarian Providence, Mayor Elorza recently suggested that anyone caught in public not wearing a face mask should be shamed as an enemy of the people. That list includes nuns, horses, and all those who suffer from claustrophobia — weak-minded bastards that they are. 

In an effort to keep track of offenders, the mayor is expected to announce a tagging system in the near future. 

“We plan to introduce a scheme whereby repeat offenders have to wear a mark of some sort,” Elorza explained at a Friday press conference. “My advisors have suggested a star symbol mounted on an armband, and we have already got preliminary designs in the works.”

An anonymous source close to the mayor revealed that the stars armbands project might be rolled out as early as next Thursday’s burning of the books (to be held in Roger Williams Park, time TBD). However, given the need for an uplift in civic well-being, the mayor might delay the roll out until after the city’s planned Anschluss of Attleboro.