Pandemic Dating: Working on yourself and disclosing underemployment

Dear Spyce, 

I have recently come out of a toxic relationship and while I know it is for the best that we split up, I am so lonely. All my friends are coupled up and with this never-ending quarantine, it feels like I’ll never see anyone ever again! In non-corona times I’d go out and join groups to meet new people but I can’t do that anymore. I want to spend some time healing from my past relationship, but I sometimes fear that I will never meet anyone else. What can I do during this time to help me feel okay? 

Sad Butt True

Aw Sad Butt…

It’s such trying times, and I feel you! As humans we are literally hardwired for connection, and it’s unnatural to be alone all the time, month after month, with just Netflix and “The Queen’s Gambit.” Especially if you’re the kind of person who is used to having a vibrant social circle, it can be really tough right now to be on your own. While this past year has felt like forever, this too shall pass. But I’d be blowing some smoke up that ass if I didn’t come correct to the fact that unfortunately it may be longer than you’d like before you can go out and do normal activities like spending time with friends or going to meetups with other recently single folks looking for hot booty time distraction. 

But the good news is that the time and space that you need for healing in this next phase of your one wild and free life, is here! And being that you literally can’t do much of anything else, you are now forced to hone in on the most important person in your life. You! 

Us humans are such dummies. We always have this idea that our value is wrapped up in other people. Who we are as a significant other, best friend, favorite sibling, wonderful daughter, productive employee. We spend so much time in life trying to impress everyone around us, and we should be trying to impress that gorgeous creature in the mirror who we wake up with everyday. The good news is that right now, there is no one to impress, no one to really try to care about, beyond that pretty bitch in the mirror. So now is the best time to look inward and see what it is that you really want and how you can move forward.

If you want to meet someone and not be alone forever, I’m here to tell you, all that and more is within your grasp. But here’s what you’ve gotta do. You need to dig deep, and come to face to face with exactly where things went wrong in your last relationship. Not in a blaming way, but in a curious way, an inquisitive way. And then slap yourself and say, “I’m never doing that again!”

So often we know from the beginning when we meet some broke-ass fuck-boi how things will end up, but for a variety of inane reasons, we go against our best instincts and reach for it anyway. Take the dirty toy and stick it in our mouths, even though we know that it’s gonna give us mouth sores. Usually because the sex is good, or because they feel familiar (trauma attracts trauma) or a myriad of other excuses that we use when we know that we are stepping into a pile of really prettily wrapped dogshit.

So now you are at a crossroads, and you have a real opportunity to do all that fun and exciting deep inner shadow work so when you do find the next person (because you will, I assure you that you will not be alone forever), you won’t get involved in another crappy relationship that will end in a toxic situation. So to me, it sounds like you’ve got your work cut out for you to be a busy little beaver with no time for anything else. 

But you’re lonely. I get it. And we can’t spend ALL our time reading the Good Girl’s Guide to How to be a Bad Ass Lady. So here are a couple of ideas for what to do in all that luscious downtime.

All those things you enjoy doing that you couldn’t do in that nasty relationship? Do those! Use being single as a time to do exactly what the hell you want, ALL the freakin time! Set unrealistic goals and who cares if you meet them? No one is there to judge you! The thing that your ex really hated to do that you loved? Do it! The food they hated that you love? Eat the shit out of it every single day! 

The most important relationship that you can have is the relationship is the relationship you have with yourself. So plan date nights for yourself each week and focus on building that inner stamina and self love. 

Besides that, there are many people who are in the same boat, and they are all meeting online. Join Facebook groups, attend an online event or class, let your friends know that you need support. 

This is precious time, and while I know that we are all over it, at some point we will be missing all these months when all we had to do was focus on the important things in life, instead of the daily distractions of our normal existences. 

******************

Hey Spyce,

I have been talking to someone for about a month and we have a first date/walk this weekend. I was laid off from my job recently and am already in school working to advance my career for the next job I take. Should I disclose that I’m technically unemployed if work comes up in conversation? Date knows about school, but not that I was laid off. Maybe I am overthinking this?

Funderemployed For Now

Hey Fun4N,

Ok, so just to be clear, you, my dear, are not special. I mean, maybe your mom would say that you always had this cute way of scrunching your nose up, but the fact of the matter is, being unemployed in 2020 is really no big whoop. The fact that you held a job months into the pandemic actually says a lot about you! A good 25% of the country (and probably my math isn’t even as drastic as it should be) has become underemployed this year, and is it any of their faults? I highly freakin doubt it. 

And you, ambitious you, are already out there being a scholastic bad-ass and trying to better yourself the moment the door hit you on the way out of your last place of employment. If that’s not pretty darn determined, I don’t know what the hell is! 

So not only is there no shame in your game, but there should be some pride in that wide smile of yours when you tell this fool that despite all the insanity of this past year, you are still pulling yourself up by those snazzy bootstraps and you are bettering yourself on the reg. 

Now of course, maybe this entire boring subject won’t come up, and if it doesn’t, I wouldn’t say that you’re under any obligation to offer up the details of your miserable sad sack status, but if it does, honesty is always the best policy. As I’ve said before in dating, it’s always best to be forthcoming about the things that make you you, because you want to be with someone who’s going to accept and support you, skinny legs and all (and if you don’t get that reference, you’re an illiterate bastard, or maybe just a Gen Z kid).

And let me just say, if dude judges, or wants to bounce, that’s on dude. That kind of negative response would show a lack of basic empathy and understanding of the reality that many are facing during these incredibly difficult economic times. If someone doesn’t understand that, their head is so far up their ass that they must be one of the world’s greatest shitheads. Hardship and discomfort is part of life, especially in COVID times. Someone’s reaction to hardship, especially when it isn’t their problem, is a good way to determine if they are someone that you want to spend time with, or if you’d rather tell them, “You’re Fired!”