Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: Are You Not Entertained?: Your superior correspondents tell you how the sausage is made

Mind Games

Phillipe and Jorge always try our best to keep our faithful readers amused. To that end, here is a mind game we enjoy playing at home.

Whenever we see an absolutely idiotic national ad on TV (we exclude brainless local spots, which are legion), we ask ourselves: How did this piece of rubbish ever get on the tube? These affronts to our intelligence are inane, tasteless, incomprehensible, stupid, unfunny, devoid of any idea of who their audience is, dumb as a box of rocks, culturally clueless or all of the above.

We can only imagine how these wastes of airtime (but still better than “Temptation Island” and “The Real Housewives of {your site here}”) finally get the green light. First, you hire an ad agency that is being run by the brain-damaged stepson of the firm’s president and his team of high school dropouts. They produce, using crayons and magic markers, a storyboard for the ad. Then they are prepared to pitch their clients, however atrocious their ideas.

Here is where the real fault lies. The swinging genius clients who will receive their presentation are a bunch of top-level empty suits whose qualifications are that they think Adam Sandler is a comic genius, Sarah Jessica Parker is a hot babe and sworn testimony they have watched more than six episodes of “Mad Men.” Spending half the time on their cellphones while the ad bozos do their shtick to convince them they will win over the American public with whatever garbage they present, the suits then OK it so they can make it to their porterhouse steak and three martini lunch at Smith and Wollensky on time.

To find something analogous to this locally, let’s briefly analyze Governor Gigi’s “Cooler and Warmer” fiasco. After requests for bids on the job went out, the first application returned that has a New York City return address is accepted, given Gigi’s love affair with anything redolent of the Big Apple.

The ad agency then gives the job of creating a logo to its unpaid NYU graphics major intern, who is given a box of Froot Loops and a six-pack of Pabst to create the visual brand, which he comes up with while doodling at home as he watches “My Robot.” The “creative” team then spends 15 minutes coming up with a lame and lifeless — but concise ­– buzzword slogan, like, say, “Cooler and Warmer.” They then hold the finished package for two weeks to make it look like they actually spent time on it, and then essentially throw it over the governor’s transom, along with a six-figure invoice.

Gigi and state commerce head honcho Stefan Pryor, in the absence of professional Philistines, sit down to evaluate their new PR success, having no idea what they are looking at, but being distracted by the bright colors and videos of Rhode Island (and Iceland, but we needn’t go into that here). Relying on their eternal belief that they are the smartest people in the room, they give the go-ahead for a roll-out extravaganza, which becomes roughly the equivalent of the Charge of the Light Brigade.

So that, ladies and gentlemen is how commercials that give deeper meaning to the phrase, “This really sucks,” get on TV. You’re welcome.

Contradiction Corner

Fairly startling to see our President Big Baby looking forward to going to Vietnam for his so-called “summit” with Kim Jong-un, in which the Great Negotiator came out with nothing. It wasn’t that long ago that Cheeto-tan dodged his military service — despite having been a military school attendee — by having his daddy pay off a doctor to claim he had bone spurs that rendered him unfit to serve. Funny how The Donald, when questioned by the media during his campaign, could not even remember in which foot they were supposedly crippling him. And it doesn’t seem to have kept him off the golf course. A profile in courage.

And how is it that Mr. Liar/Conman/Racist wants to move ahead slowly with his North Korean meetings, when the southern border wall he proposes needs to be immediately acted upon? What a hypocritical a-hole. But you knew that. How’s that Mexican funding for the wall coming, you lying philanderer? What a role model for a new generation.