Phillipe & Jorge’s Cool, Cool World: He’s Fast, We’re Furious: How do you solve a problem like The Donald?

We Give Up

Due to the gap between when Phillipe and Jorge have to file our copy and when it comes out on the newsstands, we have almost given up on writing about our pathologically lying, infantile, racist president, Orange Orangutan. Anything projectile-vomited forward on a Friday by The Donald is bound to be overwhelmed by something equally offensive or idiotic by the following Wednesday, when this column becomes fish wrapper.

But one thing that should be hanging over America’s #1 groper’s head is that the current administration is like a kindergarten class. Now that the absurd John Bolton has been pushed out of the helicopter, the lead positions in Trump’s stage show are now either total incompetents, or “acting” heads of important department heads or adviser groups. The “acting” moniker is important to note because it means that person does not have to be confirmed by the US Senate, most of who won’t pass muster, and Trump knows it.

We are also now short Donnie’s national security adviser, a defense secretary who might be able to find his ass with both hands, or a true director of national intelligence. (P&J ask forgiveness for the oxymoron of Trump actually having national intelligence.) Instead, all the riffraff left is ass-kissing Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, who is so far up The Donald’s posterior all you can see are the soles of his shoes.

We are sure that by the time you read this, our philandering president will have appointed someone totally unqualified to our international “intelligence” squad, but worry not, lads and lassies. We have our true “First Lady” Ivanka and her deer-in-the-headlights hubby Jared Kushner totally on top of our foreign policy-making. Dwell on that for a moment, and then have someone lock up your guns and hide the razor blades.

Popular Shortcuts to Notoriety

As we all know, in 2019, there is nothing more important than being famous. Since it doesn’t matter what one is famous for; the easiest path is through something we like to call “reprehensible behavior.” Perhaps that is because doing things that take talent and knowledge require a commitment of time spent gaining that talent and knowledge.

In recent months, your superior correspondents have noticed an uptick in people stealing money or failing to perform one’s job if that person works in government service. And there’s also the old standby — criminal sexual behavior. Congratulations to all who have gained the fame they so desperately desire. See you in court.