Shaken, Not Stirred: The definitive guide to ingesting disinfectant
Don’t inject yourself with bleach, brah! That’s fucking dangerous. Instead, grab a martini glass, a bottle of vodka and one of those fancy orange ring twists. Shake up a Lysol spritzer; you only need a couple of sprays (four if you’re feeling adventurous). Pour into an industrial shaking device that withstands acid corrosion. Be smart! Make sure you use lemon Lysol for that ultimate trip to Flavortown. #LifeHack
This year’s must-have fashion item is the face mask, and the state’s population of Old West desperadoes are complaining of cultural appropriation. “Some clever dicks think that this is funny or something,” said Stick ‘Em Up Sam (age 57, Coventry). “But our culture is unique, and nobody should be struttin’ around thinking they’re a gawd-dang bank robber.”
“It’s true,” responded a spokesperson from Citizens Bank. “When bank robbers come into our branches and stage a stick-up, our tellers will laugh. They think it’s Generation Xers trying to be funny.” The situation escalated when masked men with automatic rifles and flags descended on state capitals across the nation. “We have needs and feelings, too,” said Johnston resident Joseph Exoctica while holding back tears. “Nobody takes old white people dressed as cowboys seriously anymore!” (Anymore? – ed.)
DNA is a marvelous thing. It responds to conditions and changes in environment, adapting to survive whatever the cost. It’s the beautiful art of evolution and scientists have observed a prime example of it in action. Scientists have observed size increases of up to 15% among adults aged 18 to 34, a phenomenon they credit to perpetual smartphone use. COVID-19 has rendered the handshake a thing of the past, everything can be achieved by one-touch clicks on our touch screen masters, and even that act is quickly becoming obsolete due to voice-activated commands.
As a result, on May 5, evolution officially announced that the human hand will soon become a thing of the past. “We are going to start phasing out hands and, eventually, even thumbs themselves,” commented Mother Nature, 47, Cranston. “This will achieve many things, but most importantly, it will force drivers on I-95 to take their fingers out of their butts when driving.” While Alt-Facts usually supports scientific advances, in this instance, we are going to miss that uniquely rewarding sensation of giving someone the bird on the highway.
Industrial Strength Bacteria
Ever heard of rabbits? In Australia, these floppy-eared rat impersonators began to overtake the country in the mid-19th century. By the 1950s, the situation had become so drastic that the myxoma virus was released into the population in an attempt to bring the invasion to an end. Instead, all it achieved was reducing the population by 80%, leaving behind a race of poison-resistant super bunnies to terrorize the nation. Fast forward to 2020, and dollar stores across Rhode Island have sold more hand sanitizer in one month than the past 384 years combined. But as we all go around bathing in our 99.9% bacteria slaying gel, we are constantly generating a 0.01% bacteria that is resistant to attack, even from Dollar Tree-strength sanitizer. Studied under a microscope, the 0.01% appear as old white men in suits demanding your vote and a sizable, tax deductible donation to the National Rifle Association. As with any super-villain, these bacteria have an Achilles’ heel. It comes in a cocktail of weed, gay marriage and cloths made of linen and wool mixed together. So put down the sanitizer, grab a joint and marry your life partner. We have the power to create a better world once all this is over. (For more, see Dorr War 1841-1842).