Advice with Spyce: Love in the time of corona
As we go further into our quarantine, I’m finding myself depressed and lonely. I haven’t been dating much this past year, and my new year’s resolution was to get out there and go on more dates. I had been rewording my profile and finding some new pics, and while I may have been procrastinating a little, I had started a few conversations and was slowly putting myself out there. But now, with the possibility of meeting someone anytime soon seeming unrealistic, I’m starting to wonder: Am I just wasting my time even being on the apps at all?
First off, you are NOT alone! This is the question I am getting from so many singles right now, and it’s certainly a wild time to be looking for love. But that doesn’t mean it’s a bad time. There’s something to be said for how the coronavirus is forcing us all back to simpler days and to courting connections that really count. And with social distancing and the stress so many of us are under, a nice love connection is a welcome distraction.
Under normal circumstances, I tell daters to meet as soon as possible and not waste much time on the phone or video chatting, as that can create a false sense of who someone is. But when the Zoom room is all that you have, the rules have to change to fit the times. And there is a silver lining.
This current set of circumstances will give us a chance to get to know others on a deeper level, before the pheromones do or don’t kick in and we either jump into bed or run away screaming prematurely. As a society, we want everything quick, and the best things often come to (and on if you’re lucky!) those who wait. We are now being forced to slow down, get to know the person behind the pic, and put in a little more effort before grabbing the golden ring and winning the prize. Getting to know someone more as a person rather than just a hottie who you might bed within a week or two can do wonders for a relationship and could build on the deeper intimacy necessary for a long-lasting partnership. So let it simmer; let it boil and bubble before you take it off the stove and gobble it up. Besides, what else do you have to do these days?
So I think I may have done something really dumb. A few weeks before my state issued a lockdown, I’d been casually dating this guy. Okay, let’s be real — we were having hot sex and my brain was foggy. When it became clear that we were going to be quarantined, my brain became more foggy, and so when he made the suggestion that we become “quarantine partners” I figured what the heck. It would be good to have someone around, and the constant sex would be a nice distraction. I have my own place, and he lives with family so it made sense that he’d come stay with me. Now it’s been a few weeks, and I’m ready to claw his eyes out. He’s messy, he snores, and are you shocked to hear that the sex appeal has declined? I can’t stand to be around him any longer, but I don’t know what to do! I don’t feel like I can kick him out now, but how long do I have to stay locked down with him? Help!
Well, I can’t say I didn’t see this one coming from, well, at least 6 feet away! But it’s true — under duress the mind does funny things and we have ALL been under mountains of duress these days. So don’t blame yourself too harshly for just wanting to get some sexy tail in for (what you thought would be) a few weeks. Under some circumstances, being holed up with some hung Harry could be a delicious treat, and it sure could help those of us with anxious attachment patterns in the early stages of a relationship. But being literally trapped in the house with someone via federal mandate is a bit of a different story that not many of us have ever experienced, and it’s never a good way to get to know someone when you’re literally forced to.
So to be very clear, you are in no obligation to have him stay with you. He’s not a tenant, he’s not your husband, he’s not family. He’s literally some dude you didn’t even know existed until a few months ago when you swiped right. You don’t owe him anything. If you know me at all, you know that I’m for being upfront and honest. You don’t have to be mean about it and tell him every little reason why you can’t stand the sight of him anymore, but you do owe it to yourself to speak your mind and let him know that it’s not working and that you need your space back.
While travel is restricted, people can still move, and maybe his family wants him back — who knows? But all I know is that you deserve to have your peace of mind during this very stressful time in history. You may not be able to salvage anything after this is over, but by that time, you’ll be able to go back out there and find yourself another prince.