Squid’s Ink: Merger Mania

Whether it’s the approved sale of Narragansett Electric/National Grid to PPL or the disallowed merger of Lifespan/Care New England (Spanker), corporate acquisition is in the news. Our research-bots found a few other changes on the horizon…

·  The Rhode Island General Assembly was for sale, but was taken off the market. The asking price per politician was so low that prospective buyers wondered if something was wrong.

·  Careful Health of Indiana Associated (CHIA) has put in a bid for both Lifespan and Care New England. “Outsourcing is the future,” said Dr. Ima Freud, who recently relocated to the Hoosier state. “Teladoc technology gives physicians in Gary and Terre Haute access to patients in Warwick and Hope.”

·  Narragansett Bay continues to expand, and is shortly expected to acquire both the town of Warren and The Ocean Mist Bar.

·  With the slogan, “Coke on tap!” Providence Water has been sold to the Coca-Cola Company, which will move its northeast bottling operation to Scituate. The sale price of $500 million was expected to pay down Providence’s pension fund, but the money mysteriously vanished into a pothole.

·  Crossroads Rhode Island is considering merging with the Adult Correctional Institutions and building a new facility in South Providence. “Housing is housing,” said spokesperson, Huarta Coal. Central Falls has filed a lawsuit demanding that local homeless move into the Wyatt Center in place of the current practice of detaining people accused of being “illegal.”

·  The Rhode Island State Police has been purchased by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. “We’ve always admired the uniforms, and of course the hats,” explained Colonel Dudley Doright. “The only change you’ll see is that officers will be even more polite.”

·  Rhode Island’s State Appetizer calamari has been acquired by Famous Food Brands, the company that already owns Autocrat Coffee Syrup, Kenyon’s Grist Mill, Little Debbie, and Marshmallow Fluff. “We like to get our tentacles into everything!” said VP of marketing Ronald Squidward.

·  As a result of redistricting, the town of Barrington has officially merged with the village of Barrington in Cambridgeshire, England. Also, the Johnston Sunrise newspaper acquired three new subscribers from The Valley Breeze, which got four subscribers from the Woonsocket Call. No one really noticed.

·  And this just in… The Rhode Island Department of Education has purchased the defunct Trump University brand name for $15, a package of Saugy wieners and a barrel of Russian sauerkraut. “We can only say so much and do so little,” said RIDE spokesperson Fulla Hotayer. “We want to prove that a good education trumps everything.”