The Squid’s Ink: Huger Health Care?

Yes, it seems like the Lifespan/Care New England merger deal was rejected by both Attorney General Peter Neronha and the Federal Trade Commission. But our hackers found documents indicating that plans remain in place… This story and analysis came up through back channels and was written with repressed bile and intestinal fortitude…

“There is always a path forward, and we will explore all options to find the best possible…”

–Dr. James E. Fanale, Care New England President and CEO, as quoted in The Providence Journal

Big may have died because of his Peloton, but for Rhode Island, big healthcare will  still be better.

Ignoring warnings from the Rhode Island Attorney General, Federal Trade Commission, physicians and small medical providers, it looks like the smallest state may someday only have one health care company. 

“With our proposed merger of Lifespan and Care New England, we expect all other competition to wither and die,” said Dr. Ima Freud, the new Chief Splicer for Corporate Copulation. “Our research shows no need for small medical businesses to exist.

“When people go to ‘their doctor’ they take their time explaining their problems. They expect listening, and even empathy. This slows the healing process down. We’ve added keystroke counting software to examining room laptops. We call it ‘Docking Docs for Dallying.’”

Warehousing Medical Records 

One of the biggest complaints about the medical industrial complex—er, medical providers—is the lack of communication between different offices. The merger will solve that with a new system called All Records Gathered Here, or ARGH.

“Your randomized doctor will be able to know at a glance what venereal diseases you had as a youth,” Dr. Freud explained. “We’re even syncing it with your Stop and Shop and Whole Foods customer care numbers so we can tell whether you’re lying about soda and potato chips.”

When questioned about software glitches and data security breaches, Dr. Freud waved away concerns and told us that the problems faced by UHIP and RIPTA are “Just psychosomatic.” 

Other proposed merger benefits:

• Larger buildings in fewer locations with smaller offices and starker lighting.
• More employees focused on maintaining a “quality customer experience.”
• Data Driven Digital Doctoring with mandatory linkage between cell phones, watches and fit-bit-type tech. “If you walk fewer than 10,000 steps a day, your risk of a heart attack doubles, so we’ll charge you more.”
• A reduction in the number of physicians and an increase in nurse practitioners, physician assistants and traditional alternative medicine providers (TAMPs). “Folk medicine and quack cures might not work,” Dr. Freud said, “but they make people happy, and it costs less! President Trump proved it.”
• Single-payer pricing for prescriptions combined with targeted billing. “Essentially, we’ll be able to charge whatever we want for aspirin and ibu!”
• And of course, the latest Assessment Robots Scanning Everything (Project ARSE).
  “We’ve learned a lot from the recent releases of Alien Technology by the US Government,” said Dr. Freud, “about combining CAT scans with automatic rectal probes. We call it ‘Bend over and smile!’”

So, what’s the new company called?

According to the Internet, “LifeCare.org” has already been claimed by an end-of-life hospice in Lower Cape Fear, and the association was deemed too negative. “NewLife.org” is a Christian Church in Concord, MA.

Fortunately, following focus groups, where Rhode Island natives had trouble spelling any proposed name after only hearing it, the huge MediCorp settled on the perfect name of “Spanker,” pronounced, “Spanka.” 

“You come into the world with a spank,” Dr. Freud explained. “It works. You yell and scream, but you’ll live. We just want to keep up the practice. It’s not abuse if we legislate profits ahead of patients. Our new motto? Spanker: It’s for your own good.”

Note: this is a work of satire and not necessarily completely factual. It does not necessarily represent the opinions or views of Motif.