Vaxes? We Don’t Need No Stinking Vaxes

Dear devoted readers: As you have probably surmised by now, after 42 consecutive years of writing our column (longest in Little Rhody journalistic history), bringing you up-to-date on whose what is where, when and how, Phillipe & Jorge are invincible. Which is why we refuse to be vaccinated against the bogus coronavirus scare.

We have reached this decision after rigorous examination of the scientific aspects of Covid-19, as provided by right wing podcasts, which are undoubtedly the best possible source of true information about this faux pandemic. Here are our carefully and thoroughly vetted reasons (confirmed by some bloke we ran into while waiting for a bus in Kennedy Plaza, after he bummed a cigarette off of us) for why our essential freedoms should not be taken away by some fly-by-night doctors and immunologists who are merely perpetuating this hoax, as well as lying about their world-class credentials.

1. This is just a mainstream media campaign, backed by our federal government, to fill the coffers of the already obscenely rich Big Pharma firms by producing millions of doses of anti-Covid vaccines that are really drawn directly from the water in public swimming pools and fountains.
2. Every dose of the various vaccines contains a microchip that will allow the government and Mark Zuckerberg (oops, redundant) to track all citizens wherever they are at any time, and pass that locator chip on to their children and read your thoughts.
3. The feds will also know whether or not you prefer a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon to a box of cheap rose wine, and turn you into a human bobblehead if you ever speak out against vaccines. (This is incontrovertible truth, since after a couple, two, t’ree malt liquor 40s, numerous shots of Jagermeister, and a quart or two of Pernod and grapefruit cocktails, we have actually seen this happen right before our eyes.)
4. All results of Covid-19 deaths in the U.S. have been falsified. The only six podcast-certified deaths were a handful of bass fishermen in the Deep South who bit off the heads of some of the fish they caught, resulting in nearly instantaneous death since the fish were the poisonous snakeheads that were trying to take over the world.

So in the famous words from the legendary movie, Plan 9 from Outer Space, “That proves it!” Phillipe & Jorge salute the astute who have rejected the idea of feeding into the elitist global cabal that is perpetuating this coronavirus myth with the goal of achieving world dominance, and allowing your selfish and moronic selves and your unmasked children to infect enormous and innocent numbers of the public with suffering and horrific deaths. (Is this last bit  right? Sounds a bit off-script, no?)

(Note to the extremely gullible: While the above is obviously b.s., P&J are both fully vaccinated and encourage — if not threaten — everyone who is at this stage unprotected to step up and get your jabs toot sweet, or we will have to horsewhip you to within an inch of your stupid lives on the steps of your holier-than-thou or totally ignorant residences. You’re welcome.)

Bag People

If you stuffed everyone in the U.S. Congress, the executive branch, and the Supreme Court, and put them in a huge bag and then hit it any number of times with a big baseball bat, you would never fail to connect with a greedy, self-serving, power-hungry, pathetic soul who deserved their bruises or cracked skulls.

The latest example of this has been the inability of Congress to pass infrastructure and health/social care bills put forward by the Biden administration. This is supposedly his “legacy” agenda, (according to hysterical media looking for a new story line) which, since it is barely into his first year, is absurd.The spineless GOP Senators obviously fear the man behind the screen, the frothing, certifiable Donald Trump. Can no one come forward from the Republicans and do the right thing? No, then they wouldn’t be able to hang with the cool kids anymore.

Please start manufacturing that big bag now. And have it made in the USA, eh, Donald and Ivanka?