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We Have Free Speech: And I’d like to speak to your manager

Leave the White People Alone: An Open Letter

Dear Manager of “Black Lives Matter,”

We have been hearing a lot about “people of color” of late and how these communities have been experiencing prejudice in the free nation that is the United State of America. In case you hadn’t noticed, this is extremely prejudicial itself. Let me remind you that white is a color too. Since this whole Black Lives Matter racket kicked off, we in the American community have experienced nothing but prejudice against us and our children. We founded this nation and laid all the groundwork for the very same society that you are currently hating on. What nerve! Frankly, we find it inconsiderate and downright thankless, like Timmy on Christmas morning when he gets a pair of Air Jordans instead of a perfectly nice pair of all white New Balances.

We of course support and encourage your right to free speech — after all, our founding fathers did extend you that right — but why must you do it in our neighborhoods? We have been nothing but kind to each minority since they arrived on these golden shores. We even gave the Indians some nice reservations on which they can smoke the peace pipe and perform dances in harmony with Mother Nature.

Hopefully, you will settle this matter peacefully and without further certain remarks against white people. Ideally by the autumn so we can sink our heads right back into the sand in time for Thanksgiving.

In the meantime, if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out. We in the American community will always do what we can to help our less fortunate brethren in need.

Clueless as ever,

Karen J. Hopkins (47, accounting)
Foundation Uniting Concerned Karens of Foster (F.U.C.K.O.F.F)

The Best Places to Take a Roadside Pee: Rhode Island Edition

We’ve all been there, slogging along on a 47-hour trip back from the Cape on a hot summer’s evening, bladders bursting at the seams for a pee. Now you have a handy guide to navigate you through the urine-stained highlights of Rhody’s best out-of-home urine stations.

1)  Truck Layby on 146 North (just outside Slatersville)

Complete with woods and a view of the highway, this curved piece of asphalt from heaven is the ideal spot to get in touch with the birds and the bees.

2)  Speedway on 83 Point Street

Recently voted Rhode Island’s #1 gas station on Yelp, this snazzy fuel stop is just the place to use the bathroom and snap a selfie at one of the Ocean State’s most prized attractions.

3)  The Big Blue Bug

Not advocating this in the slightest (really, don’t do this), but some say that if you stand on the head of the Big Blue Bug and pee directly southeast, you’ll hit a bunch of those shifty-looking billboard lawyers right in the eye.

4)  Rhode Island State House

Rumor has it that the bathrooms in the State House are made of marble, threaded with gold and bound together with unicorn semen. Definitely worth a visit (if true). Catch sight of the 4th largest unsupported dome in American architecture (besides s certain former governor’s bald spot)

 5)  The Side of any Brown University building

For what they charge tuition? You better, you better, you bet.

  6) Into a Bottle of Sam Adams

Because nobody will know the difference (this message sponsored by Narragansett Beer).

 7)  Anywhere in Cranston

They know what they did.

Happy Birthday to ourselves!

Alt-Facts turns two this summer! To celebrate, here are some of the best accolades we’ve received over the past 24 months.

“My favorite source of fake news.” – Donald Trump

“It’s all lies.” – Newspaper Cowboy

“Thank you AltFacts for helping us, I mean me, win an election.” – Vladimir Putin

“I was never in AltFacts.” – Gina Raimondo

“AltFacts… I apologize, but I don’t even know what you are talking about.” – Nicholas Mattiello