Advice from the Trenches: Wooed by Popularity

Dear C and Dr. B;

My daughter Laura is one of the popular girls in high school and she is being wooed by one of their football team’s big stars. Laura says that he is nice enough, but basically, kind of boring. All he does is talk about himself or about football, which is more about himself. She isn’t really interested, but that isn’t stopping her from throwing herself into the role of classic “girlfriend arm candy” – she dumbs herself down and is cloyingly nice to him. Why? She is gaining status by his attention and is unsure about the consequences of rejecting him. I think she’s afraid she’ll lose the social position she’s enjoying now if she tells him how she really feels.

He calls her a lot and is extremely persistent. I really want to intervene, but I’m not sure how to go about it. My biggest worry is that he will pressure her into sex.

Irma la Douche  

Dr. B says: You are right to worry. I can see manipulative forces in play here. There are three typical forms of manipulation that boys use: guilt, the promise of “I will love you if you let me… ” and intimidation. Truth is the only way to fight this sort of pressure. Truth is a skill few people possess. They choose instead to put on whatever act is required to get what they want. The problem with this is that ultimately whatever they gain by deceit can also be taken back, and then some. If we try to obtain popularity, status, power, acceptance or love by deceptions such as playing dumb, or by agreeing to do things that we don’t really want to do, this can trap us. In your daughter’s case, getting the social status she desires will only lead to suffering if she overlooks the bigger picture of everything that comes along with it.

Teens are poor at listening, but perspective can really help. Having a life and responsibilities outside of school is important. I suggest that you have Laura get a job and look into taking Krav Maga. This is a self-defense class that helps self-worth. 

C says: I agree totally about having a life outside of school, and responsibilities. Not so certain about the Krav Maga. I know self defense is often recommended to build self confidence, but I looked up this discipline and discovered it is based on realistic street fighting. I think that is a problem.

I studied and taught marshal arts for 14 years and also studied and taught self defense. The two can be very different. A martial art such as Aikido teaches much discipline, the aim being to redirect and neutralize an attacker. Self defense and street fighting such as Krav Maga are based on very blunt, aggressive and damaging moves. The reason for this is practical — in order to defend yourself against an attacker who is larger and stronger, as is most often the case with women attacked by men, it is necessary to cause physical damage, not just hurt. A man who gets hurt just gets pissed off and hits the woman back harder. But the damage of a broken bone or smashed testicles forces his body into survival mode. His attention is reflexively redirected to self preservation and it gives the woman a chance to escape. The problem is that raising self esteem by learning how to maim men is only useful to your daughter if the boyfriend actually attacks her. It won’t redirect her desire to be popular.

Your daughter’s emotional insecurity is the thing that will put her in a position of danger to begin with. She needs to value herself enough to not care so much about popularity. This means finding and developing her own interests.

Has your daughter shown any interest in a particular college or career direction? Telling a teenager what NOT to do is patently pointless, but if you applaud her talents and encourage her to develop herself, this can help her to shape her self confidence in a very constructive way. If there is a possibility of a part time job or volunteer position that piques her growing mind, do everything you can to help her find it. 

Having an interest is not an automatic guarantee that one will make better choices in life; sometimes women try to further their careers by hanging on the arm of some guy they think will open a magic door to success for them. But one thing those women will never do is stay if the guy doesn’t help them. Their sense of their own worth gives them the skill of truth; they know when to walk away.