The nation’s capital descended into its fourth straight week of protests. The outcry started in the first week of November, when the emperor refuted a claim he had purchased a brand new wardrobe made of the finest Parisian silks. In a follow-up press conference the following morning, his Majesty asserted, “I’m always naked from the […]
Shit My Bishop Says Roll over Jesus. There’s a new messiah on mundi. The true Messiah was born on April 1, 1948, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He alone holds the keys to the kingdom of Heaven with a big brain full of his Christian alt facts. Known by many names, His earthly name of Thomas Joseph […]
Everything You Wanted to Know About the Electorate (But Were Afraid to Ask) Doomers: “I didn’t vote because Rhode Island was going blue anyway. You want to make a difference? Move to Florida, man. And I can’t do that.” Republican Voters of Any Age: “I enjoy setting fire to other people’s pets. And you can’t […]
Trick eTreat With the likelihood of the COVID-19 pandemic continuing through the winter, Governor Gina Raimondo has announced that trick-or-treating will be prohibited this Halloween. But the noted lover-of-children has a trick up her sleeve. Kids of the Ocean State can pester their neighbors for protection candy through Zoom video conferences. Their targets will be […]
Clean Politics Marty the Stop and Shop cleaning robot (Store #0723, Metacom Ave, Bristol) has declared his intention to run in the Presidential election this autumn. “My job is to clean up messes,” said Marty in his campaign announcement. “And the Oval Office is the ultimate in clean-up jobs. If I had been around in […]
Leave the White People Alone: An Open Letter Dear Manager of “Black Lives Matter,” We have been hearing a lot about “people of color” of late and how these communities have been experiencing prejudice in the free nation that is the United State of America. In case you hadn’t noticed, this is extremely prejudicial itself. […]
Pub Life: A Plea from the Bars of Rhode Island Syndicate (B.O.R.I.S): While pub and bar owners across Rhode Island are looking forward to lockdown restrictions being lifted, the industry still faces a crisis. Public drinking establishments were feeling the pinch long before the pandemic hit, and even as society starts to return to normal, […]
Remember the Darwin Awards? A craze in the early to mid-noughties, these rude dedications acknowledge members of society who expire in the most unlikely (read, ridiculous, or ironically sinister) fashions. Well, they’re back, but now with a novel, Rhode Island twist. It all began during the after-party that followed last Thursday’s lifting of the stay-at-home […]
In his latest lurch toward a more authoritarian Providence, Mayor Elorza recently suggested that anyone caught in public not wearing a face mask should be shamed as an enemy of the people. That list includes nuns, horses, and all those who suffer from claustrophobia — weak-minded bastards that they are. In an effort to keep […]
Lysol Spritzer Don’t inject yourself with bleach, brah! That’s fucking dangerous. Instead, grab a martini glass, a bottle of vodka and one of those fancy orange ring twists. Shake up a Lysol spritzer; you only need a couple of sprays (four if you’re feeling adventurous). Pour into an industrial shaking device that withstands acid corrosion. […]
