Events:

Alt-Facts

Locals Take Action: Grappling with recent changes ain’t easy

Pub Life: A Plea from the Bars of Rhode Island Syndicate (B.O.R.I.S): While pub and bar owners across Rhode Island are looking forward to lockdown restrictions being lifted, the industry still faces a crisis. Public drinking establishments were feeling the pinch long before the pandemic hit, and even as society starts to return to normal, […]

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Takeout Cocktails?: The Darwin Awards return

Remember the Darwin Awards? A craze in the early to mid-noughties, these rude dedications acknowledge members of society who expire in the most unlikely (read, ridiculous, or ironically sinister) fashions. Well, they’re back, but now with a novel, Rhode Island twist.  It all began during the after-party that followed last Thursday’s lifting of the stay-at-home […]

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Shaken, Not Stirred: The definitive guide to ingesting disinfectant

Lysol Spritzer Don’t inject yourself with bleach, brah! That’s fucking dangerous. Instead, grab a martini glass, a bottle of vodka and one of those fancy orange ring twists. Shake up a Lysol spritzer; you only need a couple of sprays (four if you’re feeling adventurous). Pour into an industrial shaking device that withstands acid corrosion. […]

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Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: RI is locked, stocked and in peril

Lunchtime with Gina  With New Scientist magazine reporting on March 25 that scientists still don’t know if humans can catch the coronavirus twice, Governor Raimondo announced new measures to mitigate the risk. Speaking yesterday on her daily afternoon chat show, “Lunchtime with Gina,” she said, “It’s not enough that we stay 6 feet from other […]

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Big Trouble in Little Warwick: Local residents don’t like change

The Latest Hollywood-Style Reboot: Hooters Returns For anyone who has ever hung out on Airport Road in Warwick, you’ll be familiar with the rapidly decaying Hooters building adjacent to All Stars Pub. Concerned that the sight will detract from Warwick’s beautiful skyline (and to distract from all his political problems), Mayor Solomon has vowed to […]

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AltFacts: A Sparkling Blanket of Satire: Citizens’ questionable decisions are snow surprise

Snow Joke Rhode Islanders were again taken by surprise Sunday and Monday as snow fell in the state for the first time this winter. “Snow isn’t that frequent in Rhody,” explained a surprised Mikey from Cheapachet. “Sometimes we go whole seasons without seeing any. To have had this storm, well, let’s say nobody was expecting […]

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AltFacts: There’s a New Sauvage in Town: Newspaper Cowboy steps aside in the face of Indigenous half-truths

In light of Thanksgiving’s imminent arrival, I, The Sarcastic Sauvage of the Kiowa and Apache peoples, will be Custering the Newspaper Cowboy, and taking over this edition of Alt-Facts. Get ready for some Indigenous truths, direct from Indian Country.  Wiyot Tribe Wins “Indian Island” (could settlers think of a lazier name?) lies on the California […]

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AltFacts: Minimalism Gone Too Far: Eventually, we’ll slurp coffee from our hands

Save the Ice! (Lunchtime Quickie) Newly rebranded Dunkin, now without the Donuts, will enhance its stripped-back approach by dropping the ice from its range of iced coffees. Speaking from headquarters, Dunkin’s marketing manager, S. Presso, commented, “It’s been a success that really helps the bottom line; ice wastage is a big concern in the commercial […]

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AltFacts: Bright Ideas: Bringing pizza to the masses

Brainwashing (and Drying) Last week, Rhode Islanders learned that the Democratic Party actively participates in the brainwashing of African-American communities. The revelation was brought to light by URI graduate and Trumpite Republican Candace Owens, who explained at a Rhode Island Young Republicans event that Democrats treat minorities “like puppies that need rescuing … they don’t […]

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