Dear Dr B and C,
I was raised in a Christian home and was taught that humans were made in God’s image so there is good in everyone. I was taught to be patient, loving and kind, and that this would bring out the best in others. But what I have found is that this doesn’t seem to be true. The more kind I am, the worse people seem to treat me. I am confused.
– Virginia
C says: The problem here is that whatever sect of Christianity you were raised in seems to have left out a great many of God’s other attributes. The God of the Old Testament was not merely a kind and benevolent entity. He was also vengeful, angry and demanding. If we are made in His image, we also contain less gentle emotions, and there are few religions on Earth that do not address the fact that there is a dark side to humans as well as light.
Another problem with answering your question is that you are being incredibly vague about both what your idea of “kind” is and what your idea of “being treated badly” is. Do you help old ladies across the street only to be cursed at because they were, in fact, waiting for a bus? Do you lavish emotional sympathy upon those less fortunate than you, and are they surly in return because they are starving to death and desperately need food, not pity? Your attitude and expectations might be part of the problem for all we know.
You might need to learn the difference between “being kind” and being a door mat that nobody asked for. True kindness means seeing that something is needed and supplying what is required with no expectation of a reward or applause. Sometimes true kindness requires both training and courage – for instance, if a man is drowning, he is probably terrified and thrashing about. If you approach him with gentle concern, chances are he will not only be unreceptive, he will probably clobber you and take you down with him. Only a trained life guard is really of use in a situation like that.
Here’s a fact you need to deal with: The world is made up of many people who were raised in different religions and cultures, and under different circumstances than yours. All of those differences allow for the possibility that you are not all following the same script, and may not get the responses you expect. You are not wrong to be kind, certainly not as an initial gesture. But you have to understand something about this dual nature of humans – being kind over and over to someone who slaps you silly in return is not kind – it is just teaching them that they can act as badly as they want and they will still be rewarded with kindness. Dr. B will elucidate.
Dr. B says: If you have to believe in God know that god is everything so there is nothing that is not god thus God is good and God is bad. So even in your paradigm people can be good or bad, so just use common sense. Some people are good. Some people are bad. Some people are very bad but most people are just confused and trying to figure it all out. Good people can be too good thus causing bad outcomes like with enablers or codependents. In our culture, both economically and politically, people often succeed best by being very bad. Whistle blowers are often punished for trying to stop corruption.
Since people don’t always get rewarded for being good, the best reason to be kind is because that is who you want to be. So, Virginia – judge people by their behaviors. If they have bad behaviors, they are bad and stay away from them. No goodness on your part is going to change them.
All the best in the New Year.
You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com
