We all have narcissists in our lives, whether in our family, friendships, workplaces, or our beds. One in every six persons around the world has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and that number is growing. We think of narcissists as people who love their reflection (actually self-loathing), but it is so much more disruptive than that. For the purposes of this article, the focus will be on romantic relationships, and the pronoun ‘they’ will be used, as this disorder is not gender biased.
Narcissists are not capable of healthy relationships. They may brag about how they’ve had long-term relationships, but that doesn’t mean they were healthy. It means someone tolerated their abuse for so long that they became trauma-bonded or couldn’t leave due to financial, family, or religious obligations. What makes it worse is they still loved the narc, and clung to the hope they would change. They won’t.
The psychological abuse — and it is indeed abuse — is punishment for not enforcing safe boundaries for yourself. Maybe you were raised by a narcissist, became a people pleaser, and put everyone else’s needs before yours. Narcs are extreme takers, and they know exactly what they’re looking for when they meet you — someone they can manipulate into taking care of their every need. Yours don’t matter.
There are varying degrees/subtypes to narcissism. Therefore, your friend may also be dating a narcissist, but when you compare notes, you may not see similar patterns. Even a good psychologist would have a hard time diagnosing NPD initially, which is partly why the narc won’t stick with therapy. It’s exhausting hiding behind their mask, so eventually, it comes off, briefly exposing their truth. It’s a confusing mask-on, mask-off fiasco for their victim. It should be said though, just because someone exhibits some narcissistic traits doesn’t mean they have NPD. We have no business diagnosing them, but it helps to know what we’re dealing with.
Narcs generally lack empathy. If you say your friend died, their reaction might be, “Oh well, he was weird.” If your beloved dog dies, you might hear robotic sympathy like, “Awwww. Just get a new one.” Empathy means feeling your hurt, not weakly sympathizing.
Lying is second nature to a narc, almost reflexive, and promises are empty. This self-preservation allows them to maintain their grandiose narrative and idealized self-depiction.
Some other character traits of NPD include: self-entitlement; arrogance; bullying; manipulation; lying; controlling; superficiality; shame; insecurity; image-conscious; attention/ approval seeking; infidelity; victim mentality; impulsivity; emotional immaturity (age 5-11); emotionally dysregulated/ rageful; abusive; unapologetic, without taking responsibility.
Typically spoiled in childhood— told they were special— narcissists then go out into the world to discover that they’re ordinary. Now, constantly feeling bad about themselves, they hungrily seek validation. Because you are empathetic, you feel sorry for them. They’re charismatic, fun, helpful, complimentary— all to manipulate you. It’s all about control. This makes for a confusing roller coaster ride that continuously repeats three phases.
Phase one: Love Bombing
You meet the person of your dreams, almost too good to be true. You get mushy texts all day. “I’ve never connected with anyone this deeply before… Could stare at you all day… Finally found true love…!” They want exactly the same things you want! This is no mistake; they’re mirroring. Seemingly interested in getting to know you, you’re interviewed as they intently listen to your history.
Once you’re hooked, there’s a shift. They ain’t listening to a word you say. Because they just. Don’t. Care. They are wearing a mask, which is exhausting, so they must rope you into loving them ASAP! They coerce you into cohabitating quickly— “We’ll save money and won’t have to travel!”— even talking about marriage. Once you’re smitten, they can relax a bit. Mask on, mask off. You see snippets of the real person behind the mask. Your gut tells you something’s off, but you dismiss the red flags waving because you want this to work!
After the love bombing fizzles— 12 weeks to a year, if they’re well practiced— you may start to pull away. One tactic they’ll use to keep you hooked is future faking. “We’ll buy a house by the water, travel the world…!” mirroring what you want. There’s always some excuse why the goal posts keep moving though – These things are Never. Gonna. Happen!
They’ll badmouth your family and friends, soon alienating you from them. This way, you’re focused solely on them, meeting their every requirement. If you do go out with friends, narcs will either invite themselves or pester you with spirited texts so they can check up on you. “Send me a picture!” They’ll scrutinize your photo for any competition at your table, enviously doubting your loyalty. They have few or no friends.
Phase two: Devaluation
This is where you go from amazing to, “Hey, what’re those spots on your face? … Why apply for a job you’ll never get?” Welcome to your devaluationship. Other fun psychological tactics include the gas light (“I never said that!”), blame (“I wouldn’t need to cheat if you were more attentive.”), shaming (“You’d be attractive if you lost weight”). Projection, an immature defense mechanism, is a tactic employed if you’re angry with them, shifting it back onto you to avoid dealing with difficult emotions. You’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying not to set them off, instead of feeling safe to express yourself.
Ignorant of this narcissism thing, you wonder what changed. You consider leaving, but you think the person you fell in love with is still in there. Plus, they’re throwing you occasional crumbs – a nice gift or compliments could stay you for another six months.
The childhood stories they gleaned early on are now being pulled from the gunny sack for weaponizing. “Maybe you’re a cheater, just like your mother!” Since they’re all about controlling your actions and emotions, they love when they can break you to tears, then pull you in for the sympathetic hug. If you’re becoming narcissist resistant, they may give the silent treatment.
Phase three: The Discard
By now, you’re tired of hearing the same stories, having the same tired arguments, catching them manipulating the truth several times, maybe even recognizing the gas lighting.
Being discarded doesn’t necessarily mean a breakup. One of you has your foot out the door, and something needs to change. They know when they’ve been found out and will try hard to retain you— while lining up their next victim, maybe triangulating you into jealousy. Narcs don’t like being alone and must have a constant supply of attention. Often having abandonment issues, they may threaten to leave you, hoping to snap you back into submission.
Lather, rinse, repeat. This tiresome, dizzying pattern continues, as narcs thrive on chaos.
Should I stay, or…?
]When you keep sacrificing parts of yourself until there’s nothing left, you lose your identity. At some point, you may decide being alone beats all this. If your body says this doesn’t feel good, run! Sadly, you’re learning the person you love never existed, faked the future you thought you’d have, and used but didn’t love you. This calls for radical acceptance.
You may try fixing them (Not your job! You deserve a whole person!), but it’s very rare a narcissist will change. They can’t admit there’s anything wrong with them; their ego wouldn’t allow it. Consequently, you should never tell a person you suspect them of narcissism; it could be psychologically damaging. On the surface, they wouldn’t believe you anyway.
If you break things off, they will plead for another chance. They’ll try to Hoover you (yes, suck you back in like the vacuum) by promising to get help. Changing your personality is extremely difficult and requires years of dedicated inner work with a skilled therapist. As a way of manipulating you into staying, they may actually go to therapy, but wouldn’t stick with it long, quickly declaring themselves cured. If their supply is in place, it’s much easier to discard you— or lead you into discarding them, playing victim to their team and yours. Whether they break it off or manipulate you into doing so (maybe by cheating), once the gig is up, they will completely reinvent themselves, moving on so fast your head spins!
If this resonates with you and you’d like to delve deeper, educate yourself on NPD abuse so you can heal and avoid other narcs. Check out YouTube videos by the world’s leading expert on NPD, Dr. Ramani, and her best-selling book, It’s Not You. Dr. Ramani offers a support group for NPD survivors because this is NOT a normal breakup! Only those who’ve been through it themselves will understand what you’ve experienced.
Alison O’Donnell is the author of the very funny self-help book, Stupid Cupid ~ A Survivor’s Guide to Online Dating. Available on Amazon.
