Advice from the Trenches: They Never Call

Dear C and Dr. B:

We raised our family in RI, but my late husband and I moved to Florida when we retired. Our children stayed in RI to raise their own families. As a result, we rarely saw our grandchildren. My son brought them once or twice a year when they were young, but it became less and less over time. Now that they have grown, I never see them and they never even bother to call.   

No matter how many times I remind them that they are losing their last opportunities to see me before I die, my warnings go unheeded. 

I am certain they will regret this – and I resent them not spending time with me while I am still here! But I am at a loss as to what I can do about it.      

– Maude

Dr. B says:

If I want to speak to my own kids, I call them. It is hard for an older parent to be relevant in our kids’ and grandkids’ lives. It takes effort. 

I believe that our kids owe us nothing. It was our choice to have them and what we did for them is not a trading game or a loan. We did it to be good parents.  Now we have to be good grandparents. We need to make an effort to be involved with our children’s lives. We can’t expect them to come to us. If we offer our time and help, that makes us relevant to their lives. It makes us part of their lives.     

You are acting as if they owe you something. Guilt trips are the surest way to turn people off and make them ignore or worse run away from you. No relationships work by expectation – they all require work and effort. Call your kids and grandchildren. Visit them. 

If you plan on leaving them money when you die, consider this – the surest way to prevent family squabbling over inheritance is to give it to them before you die, minus what you need to live on for yourself; you can’t take it with you. As for expectations: don’t expect a thank you. It’s not really relevant considering you were going to give it to them anyway. You are allowed to gift up to $10,000 a year, tax-free. But understand something: it isn’t just about money, it is about relevance and timing.

C says: Threatening the children with your imminent death is not going to win you any friends. Learn from my mistakes, Maude. Let me tell you a story.

My son and his family live on the other side of the world. When my grandson was born, I got deeply offended when my son couldn’t even be bothered to answer emails from his excited first-time grandma. I opened my big mouth and asserted myself. All it did was alienate my son.

I finally gave up and booked a flight. All it took was one visit, and I immediately understood – it had nothing to do with me! The family owns a restaurant and my son also travels for another job. Their lives are so stressful and busy that I was surprised that either parent had time to sleep. They devoted their spare time to the kids, not me. As well they should.

If I hadn’t seen for myself, I’d have continued to make this all about me, just as you are doing. But self-absorbed, clingy moms are about as welcome as telephone solicitors at dinner time. They get put on the NO CALL list, fast.

It has been expensive, but I’ve taken it upon myself to visit the family once a year, COVID-closed borders withstanding. I’m a starving artist, so I’ve had to forego such niceties as new clothes, premium channels, and haircuts in order to make that annual trip – but I have never told my family that I’ve sacrificed to stay connected with them. That’s my business, not theirs. No reason they should feel guilty.

I now have a granddaughter too, and the joy that I feel at being a part of my grandkid’s life is the biggest payoff I could get. I spend my “vacations” babysitting and washing dishes, but there’s nothing else I’d rather do. It makes me part of the family.

Get a clue, Maude. It’s not about you. It’s about them. If it isn’t – well, that’s your problem, and your solution, right there.

– Cathren Housley 

You can visit Dr. B’s blog at drbrilliantcliche.wordpress.com