Hello everyone, I’m David Attleborough, and welcome to Modern Watering Holes. A column where, each week, we explore the culture, habits, and environment of the various herds of people that gather in contemporary human society. Today’s episode, Herds of the Open Mics. As any aspiring writer or performer will tell you, whether it’s music, comedy, poetry, or spoken word, there is simply no substitute for getting onstage and trying out your material or routine in front of strangers. Is it a good song? Is it a funny joke or story? Our friends and family might not let us know how they feel, but the audience will – whether we like it or not. When you seek opportunities to dip your proverbial toe in the water, open mic nights can seem like an ideal environment. However, with time and experience, you will quickly find that not all open mics are created equal. Each one has a hierarchy. Here’s four herds you’ll likely encounter at an open mic night.
THE PLAYERS: Unlike hosts, players of all stripes abound everywhere at open mics. THE PROGRESSIVE This herd is quite divided by gender. Females often fixate on the ’90s movement of women recording artists. You can identify them by their various stickers adorning the front of their dreadnought Yamaha or Fender. Plucky and fun to watch, the ladies of this pack hold nothing back and can entertain; even if their musical chops are sub-par. They’re having fun, you should too. The men of this herd are more problematic. They’ve usually learned little but masculine excess and knuckle-dragging despite their decision to adopt feminism. Liberal thought doesn’t comport with their taste for violent video games, football, and action films. Thus creating significant cognitive dissonance. When terrestrial radio was still a thing, these men hid their gleeful enjoyment of Howard Stern. Smitten and longing for the ladies of the herd, who often don’t reciprocate this interest, the survival of the males is perilous.
THE BUSYBODY: They may have a history of hosting themselves, most likely as a Metal Maniac or Aloof Artiste. This ambitious player considers their open mic performances “gigs” and dignifies them with prolific Facebook advertisements. Many years ago, they maintained multiple MySpace accounts. Adept at aggressive booking, The Busybody longs to, above all things, tour as far and wide as possible. Occasionally, they find a partner to create a Rock Two Piece. In one rare instance, we spotted a Busybody couple on tour that were romantically linked and musically compatible. Thrilled to be united, this Power Couple of thunderous drums, power chords, and recycled song forms stages endless, insolvent national tours, calling in advance to ensure all local open mics will allow them to feature. While the music of these self-appointed geniuses will not be remembered by anyone after the show, they are likely to be remembered for their ability to change the subject when asked politically inconvenient questions. Incapable of acknowledging the modern state of small, local music venue economics, the touring Busybody has the added advantage of a trust fund, a family willing to tolerate their behavior, and a mother who hopes they’ll grow out of this soon.
THE NERVOUS NINNY: The youngsters of this tribe will apologize, before, after, or even (and worst of all) during their performance. Ill-prepared and filled with illusions of where this all might lead, The Nervous Ninny is the most likely to melt down and self-defeat onstage. Elders of this tribe are rarely the same people, as embarrassment and moments of clarity prevent the youth from continuing down this unproductive path. The elders came to the tribe at a different phase of life. Thus, they bear little resemblance or association with the youth. Burnt out, divorced, and looking for another escape from their townie cul-de-sac life, they decide to dust off that old git-fiddle and go for it. Prone to showing up hours in advance, these folks can take over any venue they deem important enough to defend as territory. In addition to using up all the oxygen, the Elder Nervous Ninny will require loads of emotional and moral support from those foolish enough to talk to them. WARNING: will seek equivalence with anyone displaying genuine talent and preparedness. Loath to admit their inner life isn’t conforming with external facts, the Elders struggle to maintain their internal echo chamber. •
Note: The thoughts and opinions expressed here do not necessarily represent those of Motif or Motif staff.
