Music and Mental Health: Dealing with Loss

“Without death, there is no life. It’s simply the cycle of our existence. Make the most of the time we have and remember to pay tribute to those who lived with us and before us. Peace and health to you all, embrace life because it can be over in the blink of an eye.” –Don Culp from Tune In & Tune Up and John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band.

Death is a life-changing event. Regardless of how close the deceased is to someone, the emotional toll feels enormous. This is apparent with the media coverage and tributes when a well-known figure passes away. Musicians, who often run in large circles that can make risky life choices, seem to suffer loss more often than most.

“People of all walks of life deal with a ton of unexpected loss,” says Jarrod Pimentel of Today is Tomorrow. “I think it’s just a bit more visible in the music community. On Friday you see someone playing bass, and suddenly, they’re not around anymore. I’ve definitely buried more friends than anyone under 40 should.”

“Musicians dealing with loss is a heavy hitter because they are very emotional people and sensitive,” says Jenny Hurricane of The Midnight Creeps. “It can be a scary and lonely place for such people. It can be hard to express themselves because people don’t necessarily understand the color of their pain.”

The grieving process is similar regardless of who died, but it is also individualized because each person is unique and handles things differently. The Mourner’s Bill of Rights by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., gives a guideline for the grieving process. 

“Processing grief and loss, like everything else, isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach,” says licensed mental health counselor Mike Petrarca. ”The first step a person should consider is how they personally cope with grief and loss and whether it is healthy.”

The overwhelming grief process can lead to a slippery slope of self-medication. Though it can seem like a quick fix, there can be obvious health ramifications.

“Drugs and alcohol may dull the emotions and the initial shock that comes from loss, but it also comes with problematic consequences such as long-term dependency, impulsive actions, physical health issues, and mental decline,” Petrarca warns. “We might want to start evaluating behaviors not as “good” or “bad,” but functionally. Are they “helpful” or “harmful” to our desired outcomes and goals?”

The path to those desired outcomes and goals Petrarca speaks of are personal. He suggests people “embrace the feelings and resist the urge to avoid them.

“As a person learns how to react authentically to stressful experiences in life and works through their emotions/feelings rather than avoid them, they become more resilient and empowered, which hopefully results in them using their healthier coping skills and phasing out the prior negative ways of coping that only served to make the stressful situation worse,” Petrarca adds. 

Though not the immediate fix that drugs or alcohol could bring, there are other ways for people to process and handle their grief, especially musicians. Having a creative outlet for emotions is an incredible benefit. As a musician who’s recently suffered the loss of his father, I’ve felt firsthand the pain of losing someone dear to me. At my father’s wake, I was told that writing and playing music will help me get through the grief. Playing music has felt numb for a bit but feelings are slowly starting to arise. Writing has always been a laborious love, though creativity has since taken a backseat. 

“A musician might be able to understand this concept in the form of playing a wrong note on stage during a set,” Petrarca explains. “It’s a fact and it happened. The musician could choose to accept the error and continue on with minimal consequence or they can choose to react by scolding themselves about the mistake. We all have the potential to make shit worse and react to stressors on stage, the playing field, classroom, and in life by utilizing unhelpful coping skills.” 

“Musicians in general are incredibly emotional people,” Hurricane says. “Music gives musicians a tool to rip themselves open in a very unique way. To get all the gunk out, a therapy session with cash still in your pocket, and a good cry with dry eyes… When I play a song about someone I’ve lost it’s like seeing them again and letting them know that they are still loved and not forgotten. To [pay] homage to a person and a time in one’s life that will always have a bookmark. And hoping these songs may help someone else connect with memory, to help them heal, and possibly smile with memories. Loss is trauma, trauma is art, and art is therapy.”

Petrarca also suggests a tool called distress tolerance. He describes it as “learning how to tolerate and manage strong emotional experiences in life without making shit worse.” 

“The emotional toll that connects to loss can eventually help us to appreciate the good and cherish every day when our lives are peaceful,” Culp says. “Loss, as difficult as it is, can bring us to a deeper understanding of ourselves. I try for myself, and when helping someone through a tough time, to honor this loss and try to recognize the lessons that are present. This is what I believe the person/pet that passed on would want for us, to live life to our fullest with joy in our hearts and not a saddened state of mind. I know this is what I would wish for from anyone who would suffer from my death, a greater sense of life.”

If you need help and/or are looking for more mental health resources for musicians, please Email noveauassociates@gmail.com.

Below are excerpts from the musicians and counselors who contributed to this article.

Don Culp – Tune In & Tune Up, Beaver Brown Band

When we lose a loved one, a dear friend, a pet or even a hero, the grieving process is very often emotionally overwhelming.  Sometimes anger is a factor, in the way of, “How could you leave me here alone?” Or it’s a wake up call when people we know pass on who are close in age, now we are forced to look at our own vulnerability. Regardless of our reaction there will be a difficult period that we must travel through until we start to feel somewhat normal again. You see, pain and suffering are the opposite of joy and happiness. Both sides of these emotions are what we are made of. It’s the Yin/Yang of the human spirit.

The emotional toll that connects to loss can eventually help us to more appreciate the good and cherish every day when our lives are peaceful. There’s an old saying that if there was no hell there would be no need for heaven. Loss, as difficult as it is, can actually bring us to a deeper understanding of ourselves.  I try for myself, and when helping someone through a tough time to honor this loss and try to recognize the lessons that are present. This is what I believe the person/pet that passed on would want for us, to live life to our fullest with joy in our hearts, not a saddened state of mind. I know this is what I would wish for from anyone who would suffer from my death: a greater sense of life. 

Without death there is no life; it’s simply the cycle of our existence. So make the most of the time we have and remember to pay tribute to those who lived with us and before us. Peace and health to you all, embrace life because it can be over in the blink of an eye.

Mike Petrarca – Licensed Mental Health Counselor practicing in Rhode Island and Massachusetts

Processing grief and loss, like everything else, isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. The first step a person should think about is how they personally cope with grief and loss, and whether it is healthy. For example, drugs/alcohol may dull the emotions and initial shock that comes from grief/loss but it also comes with problematic consequences such as long-term dependency, impulsive actions, physical health issues, and mental decline.

A tool that might be helpful to understand this is a DBT skill called distress tolerance which basically means learning how to tolerate and manage strong emotional experiences in life without “making shit worse.” 

A musician might be able to understand this concept in the form of playing a wrong note on stage during a set. It’s a fact and it happened. The musician could choose to accept the error and continue on with minimal consequence (maybe the audience didn’t even recognize the error), or the musician can choose to react by scolding themselves about the mistake which then could lead to more errors in the performance, which could cause them to break their instrument, which could delay the performance, have it end it prematurely and now the crowd goes home unhappy and the performer has to wait a while before getting another gig,  etc… This is maybe an extreme example but it illustrates how we all have the potential to make shit worse and react to stressors on stage, the playing field, classroom, and in life by utilizing unhelpful coping skills. 

We might want to start evaluating behaviors not as “good” or “bad,” but functionally. Are they “helpful” or “harmful” to our desired outcomes and goals. 

Coping with grief and loss is like this: The incident has occurred and we probably can change it — now how are you going to react in a helpful way – validating your experience, needs/wants,  and not making shit worse?

Identify your feelings – embrace them and resist the urge to avoid them. Label the feelings – are you angry, helpless, anxious, sad, guilty, etc. . How do you typically manage these feelings mentioned prior in general — for example, do you work out when angry, are you someone that confides in others, do you process in private through meditation, spirituality, and journaling? Are you someone that uses a creative outlet to transform grief/loss into something that helps work through it? What’s realistically available to you to utilize — are you on tour in between shows? Do you have a support network to reach out to? Or maybe you need to build your support system and healthy habits in your instrument case.  And sometimes it’s about just feeling the emotions and crying.

As a person learns how to react authentically to stressful experiences in life and works through their emotions/feelings rather than avoid them, they become more resilient and empowered, which hopefully results in them using their healthier coping skills and phasing out the prior negative ways of coping that only served to make the stressful situation worse. 

Jenny Hurricane – Midnight Creeps

Musicians in general are incredibly emotional people. I find this even more so in lyricists and in vocalists. They need to evoke an emotional response in their listener with their words and vocals. I have found this easiest to write about real events in my life. 2005 was a big year for the Midnight Creeps. First time playing CBGBs, second US tour, and first time overseas. 

Our following was thick with misfit toys that I lovingly call our nowhere gang. One of my favorite children was Andy. His balance of tough punk rock exterior and sweetheart interior was addicting. He would greet even strangers with a sincere blue-eyed squint and a head tilt, saying, “Hey buddy.” A dedicated fan, jumping high from the oceanic mosh pit like a blonde-headed fish.

So when he passed away in a house fire that January, needless to say, we were all broken. No more suntan-faced boy that smelled like dirty laundry to talk with about nothing until 4 am. What else was I to do but write a song? A song for all of us about the pain we were all feeling. So began the song, “The Kind of Kindness.” After I wrote and recorded the song on my crappy four-track, I sent it to his mum. She asked me to sing it at his funeral. A different ocean this time, still and dark like oil. 

So I did, not knowing if I could make it through without breaking down. But it was for him, for all of them, for all of us, and for me. “It’s been raining for days since you went away. The clouds have come down to console us.” Music gives musicians a tool to rip themselves open in a very unique way. To get all the gunk out, a therapy session with cash still in your pocket, and a good cry with dry eyes. When I play a song written about someone I’ve lost, or sing a song written by someone we have lost, it’s like seeing them again and letting them know that they are still loved and not forgotten. To pay homage to a person and a time in one’s life that will always have a bookmark. And hoping these songs may help someone else connect with a memory, to help them heal, and possibly smile with memories. Loss is trauma, trauma is art, and art is therapy. And after all these years, every once in a while, when the crowd is churning like an ocean in a storm, I still see the blonde-headed fish popping up from the waves.

Musicians dealing with loss is a heavy hitter because they are very emotional people and sensitive. It can be a scary and lonely place for such people. It can be hard to express themselves because people don’t necessarily understand the color of their pain. I have found that writing and performing is a great way to express this. And also a way of getting out and working through one’s pain. I think musicians tend to connect with songs/music more than other people because they know their craft. Listening to music in general, or songs about loss, or the thing that you may be going through, I found can make you feel less alone, and like that person at least understands you. And in some way there to help you through this.

Jarrod Pimentel – Today is Tomorrow

People of all walks of life deal with a ton of unexpected loss. I think it’s just a bit more visible in the music community. On Friday you see someone playing bass, and suddenly, they’re not around anymore.

Maybe it’s the “tortured artist” cliche. Maybe it’s the scarcity of affordable health and mental health care for working musicians, but I’ve definitely buried more friends than anyone under 40 should.