The pantheon of American politics gathered at its proverbial colosseum, ABC studios, on September 10. The night was young, the stakes were high, and Donald Trump was visibly suffering to not let the words to “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” escape from his mouth as he shook Kamala Harris’s hand. Good thing she walked the 10 feet to meet him in the middle (at his podium) – as one wrong step might have triggered a theatrical burst. The debate started cordially enough, with Trump gripping the sides of the podium as though he was riding an overweight horse to Putin’s castle through a snowstorm, only to take his hand off his wooden steed to exaggerate the B in Biden as he accused Harris of, well – being Biden. Harris unfortunately did not peel back her skin to reveal the President’s face, but maybe if she had, she would get better attendance at her rallies instead of bussing them in and paying them to be there. Harris, hand on chin, was enraptured by the prolific advice offered by the former President, “Just talk about Hannibal Lecter until people are so bored that they leave to find him because, quite frankly, anything is better than listening to me speak.”
If Trump looked like his eyes were closing, it’s not because it was past his bedtime – no, no, he was just tuning into his special talent for seeing the future… and the past. Somehow, we ended up in the French Revolution, where Tim Walz was executing children after birth. Walz, respectfully, has quite the build for a long black robe. Harris briefly broke Trump’s concentration by reminding him that he was fired by 81 million people, at which he attempted a smile as his former favorite phrase slipped him into a reverie of his glory days on “The Apprentice.” So much so that he forgot where he was completely, accidentally landing in a dystopian Springfield, Ohio – surrounded by immigrants who were eating the pets of the people who lived there. Thankfully, moderator David Muir brought him back to reality, calmly reassuring him that in fact, no pets were being eaten in Ohio. At this, Trump shuddered and licked his lips. Bad trip over… for now?
This move might not be exactly what Plato had in mind; however Trump’s appointment of servile assistants during his term helped him gain immunity from his laundry list of crimes. That didn’t stop Harris from reminding him about his November appearance in court for the sentencing in the Stormy Daniels hush money case or the fact that as a woman who spent her life as a prosecutor, it was easy to see how she could find irony in supposedly sharing the stage with a criminal.
Don’t worry though. Trump assured Harris he is winning “most of them.” Winning most of what? We still don’t know. But then, most of what he said carried the mystery of a Nostradamus interpretation.
As the night drew to a close, Trump began to look more and more like Sybill Trelawney. “She hates Israel,” he said through his misty round glasses (his eyes now completely shut). “She hates Israel. If she’s President, I believe Israel won’t exist in two years from now. I’ve been pretty good at predictions so far.” Harris was adamant that she does not hate Israel, but Trump was too busy violently shaking a crystal ball to his ear (“This thing… very misty… big problem… I’ll fix it… believe… better than ever…”). Tell me, Mr. Trump, did you see Taylor Swift endorsing Kamala Harris after the debate in your crystal ball? •
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