Valentine’s Day is on its way, and so is the heteronormativity that accompanies it. From the popular rom-coms we guiltily indulge in to the traditionalist ideals that have a grip on many, it seems society strives to make women feel their only purpose in life is to find and marry a man. However, recently, there has been a noticeable shift in how the younger generation of women and non-binary folks in RI are choosing to view the idea of dating men. General consensus? Boyfriends are out.
You heard right, the days of cursing single-life are finally over. Increasingly, women and non-binary folks are ditching dates with men and choosing to prioritize non-male relationships that contain more emotional depth. I noticed the concept of having a boyfriend changed from coveted to cringey almost overnight. Could this way of living be a manifestation of hookup burnout, or something that threatens the patriarchy? Either way, it has been nearly impossible to go online lately and not see anti-boyfriend promotion. One of the most popular of these online movements, as noted by The Guardian, is called “boysober,” a phrase coined by influencer Hope Woodward that entails no dating or having sex with men. While the reasons for choosing to go “boysober” vary, the attitude towards the trend seems overall positive and might be indicative of a larger interest in celibacy from women. This interest is also reflected in the rising US popularity of the South Korean 4B movement where women swear off heterosexual marriage, dating, sex, and childbirth as a form of protest against the patriarchy.
Are women in Rhode Island participating in these trends? Some data points to “yes.” According to data from Start.io, Tinder in RI has a 32.6% female user rate compared to a 67.4% male user rate, potentially reflecting that many women in Rhode Island are opting out of the hassle of online dating. Still, I’m left with questions about the trend of celibacy.
To answer some of these questions, I interviewed Rhode Island AASECT-certified sex therapist, Kimberly Jackson, LICSW, CST:
Cambria Childs (Motif): Could celibacy be a feminist act?
Kimberly Jackson: Yes, it can be, depending on the intention. When celibacy is chosen rather than imposed — that is, when it’s self-directed rather than the result of discouragement, shame, or guilt — it can feel empowering, and challenges the idea that sex, coupling, and desirability are the ultimate happy ending. Sometimes celibacy is less about saying no to sex and more about saying yes to listening to oneself — taking space to reconnect with their own bodies and instincts, clarify boundaries, and reflect on what they actually want moving forward.
CC: Without breaking doctor/patient confidentiality, have you seen a trend towards celibacy lately?
KJ: My clients are not naming celibacy as a goal or intention, but I’m noticing a trend towards greater discernment in dating, especially among women. Many are becoming more intentional about who they engage with and more willing to tolerate periods of being single rather than settling for emotionally unavailable or unsafe partners. When people date more selectively and with clearer standards, periods of celibacy can emerge as a byproduct, not as self-denial, but as a values-aligned choice.
CC: Is heteronormativity on the decline?
KJ: I do think heteronormativity is on the decline, partly due to more expansive language around sexuality and attraction. Twenty-five years ago, the dominant categories were “straight,” “gay,” “lesbian,” or “bi,” which left little room for nuance. Today, people may identify as demisexual, heteroflexible, pansexual, queer, or opt out of labels altogether. This broader vocabulary allows for more precise self-understanding — and may result in fewer people claiming a rigid heterosexual identity.
CC: What is some advice you would give a woman or non-binary person going celibate?
KJ: I would encourage them to get clear on why they’re choosing celibacy and to revisit that intention periodically. Celibacy can be a powerful reset, but it’s most beneficial when it’s not rooted in shame, fear, or burnout alone. I also recommend cultivating sources of pleasure, connection, and embodiment that aren’t dependent on romantic or sexual partners — whether that’s creative work, friendships, movement, or your favorite vibrator. Finally, it’s important to remember that celibacy doesn’t have to be permanent to be meaningful; it can be a chapter, not an identity.
CC: Are there any overall benefits for men that arise from going celibate?
KJ: Men can benefit from celibacy in many of the same ways anyone can. It can interrupt compulsive or performance-driven approaches to sex and create space to explore intimacy, emotional regulation, and self-worth outside of sexual conquest or validation. For some men, celibacy becomes an opportunity to develop relational skills that aren’t tied to sexuality alone. This is very different from the entitled mindset of incel culture, which frames celibacy as an injustice imposed by others rather than an invitation to growth or change.
If you are interested in hearing more from Kimberly, visit www.modernrelationships.net to learn about her practice. Additionally, if you’re a woman or non-binary person in RI choosing to de-center men from your life, regardless of sexual activity, here are a few local support groups that encourage non-male relationships:
Women and non-binary groups in RI
- BodyWerks: A body-positivity mindfulness group hosted by Sheila C. Poirier that involves group discussion, mantras, and movement. Learn more by visiting https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups/bodywerks-north-smithfield-ri/246269.
- SistaFire: Paving the way towards a world of equality, SistaFire provides a safe space for women and non-binary people of color to grow together and foster lasting change. Learn more by visiting sistafireri.org
- Women Outdoors: Need buddies to go out in nature with? Women Outdoors of RI connects women with a love of nature by hosting various nature-centered events. Learn more by visiting womenoutdoors.org/RICSEMA
- Queer Hikes RI: Another hiking group here in RI that I’d suggest is Queer Hikes RI, a hiking group focusing on queer community. Learn more @queer.hikes
- General Federation of Women’s Clubs: With 125 years of community service and 80,000 members worldwide, GFWC empowers women to help their communities. Currently, there are branches in Bristol, Cranston, South County, Warwick, and Wampanoag that want you to join their club. Learn more by visiting gfwcri.org
Works cited
https://www.start.io/audience/dating-users-tinder-in-rhode-island
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/dec/30/dating-culture-celibacy-boysober