In the Trenches: They’re All A-Holes

Dear C,
Everywhere I go, people are trying to cut in line, grab the parking space I was about to back into, and put me on hold. If I stand up to them, they act like I’m the problem. If I defend myself, they get nasty. Last night, I’m at the bakery one minute after it closes, the woman is right in there, and she refuses to open the door sell me a loaf of bread that she’s probably gonna have to throw out anyway. What the hell? You can be sure I’m never going back there again. Who needs it?

Maybe you can tell me. Why am I surrounded by assholes?

Not Happy

Dear Not;
I don’t want to add to your antagonism, so I’ll try to put this nicely. I get memorable quotes in my mailbox every morning from Thoughtful Mind, and this one seems to sum it up: “We see the world the way we see ourselves.”

You are the one making the judgment call here: Everyone around you is an asshole. And why? For cutting in line, being cantankerous, and refusing to comply with your personal needs. But I gotta ask: If you’re not in the same contest, then why do you care? Some people walk through similar situations every day, and their only reaction is, “Wow, that guy’s in a hurry!” or, “I guess I’ll have to stop at the 24 hour store instead.” At best, they are momentarily annoyed, then go on their way. They don’t take it personally.

Are you beginning to see where I’m going with this?

People try to cut in line and go for the same parking space as you for all sorts of reasons, not just because they are out to get you. They may be late as hell and not even notice you. They could be on medication, just dumped by their significant other, or been chewed out at work by an unreasonable boss. They are all walking around in their own little worlds, and you simply happen to be there. Since you just met them, I doubt very much if any of it is personal.

That woman who wouldn’t sell you the bread? There might be a strict company policy, spawned by a spate of closing time robberies, that puts her job or life on the line if she opens that door for you. Her boss may have just closed out the register and be waiting for her in the back. Why is it that you assume that the only reason she isn’t selling you the bread is because she’s some asshole out to ruin your life?

Times are tense and people are edgy. One of the worst things about this is that we are turning our anger and aggression on each other, probably because the real targets are so totally out of reach. We can’t shoot the IRS. We can’t tell ISIS to bug off or slap our boss in the face. So we hold on to whatever territory we have left for dear life and snarl at anyone who gets in our way. At least, that’s what the assholes do. And, yes, there are a lot of them out there. What you may not have figured out yet is that you are an asshole, too.

Please resist that impulse to say, ”Who needs this crap?” You really need to hear this.

Unless they have serious mental issues, most people respond reasonably if you approach them with tact rather than antagonism. Next time you run into an asshole, take a lesson from Mother Teresa. People used to ask her how she could spend so much time with the beggars, vermin and whores. Didn’t it get to her? Didn’t the grime and darkness rub off? I liked her response, so I’ll paraphrase here: “I see something pure and good buried in every lost soul I touch, and it is this spirit that I speak to.” A helluva lot of those buried souls answered back. Mother Theresa had a good track record, and I think it was because it may have been the first time anyone ever treated those people as something other than low life scum.

We all tend to find what we look for; you seem to be looking for assholes. You might find a surprising reduction in the number of assholes around you when you stop labeling everyone who gets in your way an asshole. If you are still surrounded by assholes, YOU may be the one with serious mental issues. Maybe it’s time to think about therapy. The world of assholes is not a place you want to spend the rest of your life.