AltFacts: Mueller…? Mueller…?: Don’t take a bunk day on seeing the truth

Mulling Mueller

Donald Trump may have been partially exonerated by the Mueller report, but that does not stop many – this column included – from continuing to find the president entirely unsuitable for office because Mueller strongly suggests in his report that the president is guilty of obstruction of justice and that he also knows how to cover the tracks that lead directly to him. Despite the partial exoneration, we must not lose sight of the bigger – and far more concerning – picture. The mere fact that a sitting president is so highly suspect that his pre-office activities spurred an investigation into treasonous conduct with a foreign power is in itself utterly damning. And let’s not forget that five of those individuals closest to Mr. Trump on the campaign trail are now in prison for their actions, with a further two awaiting sentencing and yet more (including 26 Russian nationals and officials) also charged with seditious activity. And then there is the expectation that a president should be presidential, not a capricious bigot with a temper. Nor should anyone ever mock the disabled, or employ chauvinism as a matter of fact, particularly when they are in a position of power where the burden is to lead by example. By incorrectly claiming that the president achieved full exoneration, those in MAGA hats believe that the report somehow validates the actions of the president as carte blanche acceptance, and that sets a very dangerous precedent indeed. In short, we must not allow Trumpeteers to interpret the Mueller report as a victory, nor support the notion that the findings are permission to install hatred as the foundation of American politics. Donald Trump is a megalomaniac propped up by idealistic sycophants; he must not become the low bar upon which future political figures are placed. Rather, he must be viewed for what he really is: a dishonest and capricious opportunist who is utterly unfit to be the president of the United States of America.   

Running Free, Yeah!

Good news for African Americans! Earlier in the month, our northern neighbors at the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled that black people running away from police is no longer inherently suspicious. In what has been heralded as a positive step toward the modern era, the Bay State also exonerated Jesse Owens Whether and Usain Bolt for all their distrustful behavior in the public eye, while continuing to remind the rest of the world just how great Massachusetts is at everything progressive. Whether a further law will come to pass requiring the police to stop considering being born black as inherently suspicious is still very much up in the air.

The Seventh Ring

Intercourse, Fla. – New England Patriots owner (oft-confused for a cheese magnate), Bob “Red Wine” Kraft, was recently caught in the company of a group prostitutes at a “massage parlor” in Florida’s Palm Beach County. According to local sources, warrants had been issued to the police with the directive of installing video cameras in the facility, and “on two occasions [they] saw [Kraft] pay cash and receive sex acts.” But the man who owns Tom Brady hasn’t lost any favor with longtime pal and fellow womanizer Donald “Golden Showers” Trump. In fact, the president is set to be going ahead with his plan to bring the Superbowl Winners to the White House in April (whether any show up is another matter). Commenting on the allegation, old Donnie predictably commented that he was “surprised” by the allegations before going on to emphasize that the 77-year-old oligarch “has denied” all wrongdoings. Eager to get the real story, Motif met with an anonymous source from inside the Patriots organization who claimed, “With all the clamor around our sixth Superbowl, and with Gronk retiring, Mr. Kraft went to Florida simply to ensure our fans, through him, get to enjoy a seventh ring.”