Newspaper Cowboy

AltFacts: A Sparkling Blanket of Satire: Citizens’ questionable decisions are snow surprise

Snow Joke Rhode Islanders were again taken by surprise Sunday and Monday as snow fell in the state for the first time this winter. “Snow isn’t that frequent in Rhody,” explained a surprised Mikey from Cheapachet. “Sometimes we go whole seasons without seeing any. To have had this storm, well, let’s say nobody was expecting […]

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AltFacts: There’s a New Sauvage in Town: Newspaper Cowboy steps aside in the face of Indigenous half-truths

In light of Thanksgiving’s imminent arrival, I, The Sarcastic Sauvage of the Kiowa and Apache peoples, will be Custering the Newspaper Cowboy, and taking over this edition of Alt-Facts. Get ready for some Indigenous truths, direct from Indian Country.  Wiyot Tribe Wins “Indian Island” (could settlers think of a lazier name?) lies on the California […]

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AltFacts: Minimalism Gone Too Far: Eventually, we’ll slurp coffee from our hands

Save the Ice! (Lunchtime Quickie) Newly rebranded Dunkin, now without the Donuts, will enhance its stripped-back approach by dropping the ice from its range of iced coffees. Speaking from headquarters, Dunkin’s marketing manager, S. Presso, commented, “It’s been a success that really helps the bottom line; ice wastage is a big concern in the commercial […]

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AltFacts: Bright Ideas: Bringing pizza to the masses

Brainwashing (and Drying) Last week, Rhode Islanders learned that the Democratic Party actively participates in the brainwashing of African-American communities. The revelation was brought to light by URI graduate and Trumpite Republican Candace Owens, who explained at a Rhode Island Young Republicans event that Democrats treat minorities “like puppies that need rescuing … they don’t […]

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AltFacts: Newsiest News from Round the World: Grab your knobs and your crayons, folks

Don’t Be a Knob (Israel) Perpetual imperialist Israel is at it yet again. Last week, the nation’s prime minister, Benny Nuttyyahoo, announced plans to annex the West Bank should he survive the country’s upcoming election. The Anglo-Stalinist wet dream has spent the greater part of its existence tormenting their neighbors in the name of Yahweh, […]

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AltFacts: Cranston Commies in Converse: Kids demand to do whatever they want

Introducing the CCCP (Cranston Children Communist Party) As the public schools crisis continues to grip the state, the children of Rhode Island have taken matters into their own hands. On September 2, a pre-organized underground mob of 1,500 fourth graders stormed school buildings across Rhody and declared a coup in the name of communism and […]

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AltFacts: Big Happenings in Little Rhody: Perhaps willy freeing is a new summer trend

Saving People Money (So They Can Shoot Better) We’ve all been there. Coming home from a long day at work, only a couple of hours before bed, but you still need to stock up on firearms so you can shoot the shit out of the minorities, immigrants, teachers and children threatening the integrity of this […]

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