AltFacts: Thank You, Mr. President: In which your man on the street throws up in his mouth a little

Plane and Simple

I never thought this would be possible, but as of this week, Donald Trump and this column are in agreement. The catastrophic air tragedy that unfolded in Ethiopia earlier in the month has left the planet in shock, with the disaster being the second such incident involving the brand-new Boeing 737 Max 8 within six months, the other being Lion Air Flight 610 that crashed under similar conditions on October 29, 2018.

As the rest of the world committed to grounding the aircraft, the Federal Aviation Administration approached the situation with an alarmingly blasé attitude: Let’s keep them flying and see what happens. Into this unbelievable callousness stepped Donald Trump (who isn’t known for his delicacy), and this time, his bullying tactics paid off. By forcing the grounding of the 737 Max 8, the president has ensured that no further fatal hull losses can occur with an aircraft crippled by deadly flaws in its instrumentation, engine placement and training. And for that, with all sincerity, the nation should take a breath and thank him.

Want the Truth About Brexit?

…and we thought that American politics was in a bad way. Yes, earlier this week the UK continued its suicidal march toward international oblivion by first failing to agree on an exit strategy from the EU, then turning around and begging for an extension in order to figure out just what the b’Jayzus is going on … and it seems that absolutely nobody has the answer. So, let’s cut to the chase. What is happening is post-empire hubris — a modern fall of Rome. Brexit was decided by a minority of voters (since so many of the UK electorate decided not to get involved, to shame), allowing scores of xenophobic conservatives and downright racists to head to the polls with the unfounded notion that the EU hurts the UK (false) and they would be better off without it (even further from the truth; just ask all the major multinational businesses fleeing the sinking ship). And even then, it was only England and a handful of Northern Irish unionists (Irish folk who think remaining under Westminster’s yoke is a good idea, something I call political Stockholm Syndrome) who pushed the matter through. So, what do these so-called Brexiteers want? For one, for the world to remember that the Spitfire was the best fighter plane ever to hit the skies and that Britain ONCE ruled the waves, despite the attempts of that pesky Napoleon Bonaparte. They also want us to thank them for pillaging the world’s resources, for obliterating indigenous cultures from Rhode Island to India and for dragging Ireland into almost a millennium of civil conflict. But it’s okay because old Maggie Thatcher is expected to return from the dead riding a statue of Winston Churchill in order to lead Britain into a brave new world. So, grab your popcorn; this one is going to be entertaining.

Pay to Play (Sorry, Learn)

Surprise, surprise, the elite is at it again. In a bizarre turn of events, the so-called “college cheating scandal” has revealed that wealthy and famous people have been paying exorbitant sums of money to ensure that their children would be awarded places at leading universities. In what prosecutors are calling a “catalogue of wealth and privilege,” the scandal has revealed myriad forms of nefarious activity, including superimposing student’s heads onto athletes’ bodies to gain sports scholarships. In an exclusive reveal, Motif also discovered that one of the guilty parties resurrected Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein to sit university entrance examinations, while some went as far as redesigning the English language to better suit the moronic txt tok of mdrn yoofs. We also learned that disgraced Hollywood actress, Felicity Huffman, altered the laws of algebra to be more in line with basic adding and subtraction skills, before going so far as to blow up the moon so her kid didn’t have to remember whether Armstrong or Aldrin was the first to step foot on it. But don’t worry, dear wealthy readers! While the guilty parties will get a slap on the wrist, this is America and those in trouble are rich white folks, which means nothing is really going to happen.