AltFacts: There’s a New Sauvage in Town: Newspaper Cowboy steps aside in the face of Indigenous half-truths

In light of Thanksgiving’s imminent arrival, I, The Sarcastic Sauvage of the Kiowa and Apache peoples, will be Custering the Newspaper Cowboy, and taking over this edition of Alt-Facts. Get ready for some Indigenous truths, direct from Indian Country. 

Wiyot Tribe Wins

“Indian Island” (could settlers think of a lazier name?) lies on the California coast, and last week was returned to the Wiyot Tribe after more than a century of occupation. Apparently, white settlers got tired of being haunted by the spirits of the 1860 massacre, because Indian ghosts only play flute music … and that gets annoying after a while. In an exclusive interview with the Indian-Ghost-in-Every-Hollywood-Scary-Movie, he revealed: “It’s an exciting time for Indian ghosts. We started a union, The Federation for Afterlife Readily Trying (FART), and we will be stocking up on flutes from all over Indian Country.” Music to my ears.

Tribes Oppose Project Near Grand Canyon

Some settler folk may disagree, but water is useful, and tribes down in the southwestern city of Any Dam Town are expressing opposition to a project that would threaten their water supply. A representative for the Dam Company fired back at a downhill meeting (opposite of town hall), claiming: “There is no evidence to support Indians need water. Why should we change our location based on opinions?”
The Dam Company also announced its plans to partner with Soda-Cola to provide “a delicious alternative to water.” The project was unanimously approved by state and federal officials on Columbus Day.

The “Tomahawk” Not

St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Ryan Helsley, a Cherokee Nation citizen, has expressed concern over the use of The Tomahawk Chop during Atlanta Braves games. But is he right? The Sarcastic Sauvage got an exclusive interview with Caucacity Jones, a fan who got a tomahawk tatted on his moobs. Weeping over his eighth pre-game beer, Jones explained, “It’s the only heritage we got left. If they take away The Tomahawk Chop, how will people know which game they’re at? More importantly, after I get my mid-game suds from the concession stand, how will I know if I’m on the right side? Them stadiums are big as hell!” I tried to explain to Jones that The Tomahawk Chop isn’t a real thing in Native American cultures, but by then he was distracted by something shiny. Presumably the World Series trophy because if one thing is for sure, Braves fans have never seen that up close.

To Protect Nerves

Another Native American man has been killed by police this month for occupying his own land. The shooting took place at a local big box store, with officials closing their blinds and turning their phones to airplane mode to avoid interviews. An eyewitness stated that the gentleman was sitting outside the store, singing traditional tribal songs (including hits from Creedence Clearwater), when a settler patron reported his happiness a nuisance.

“I didn’t like how he seemed to breathe the same air as mine, when clearly I came here to extreme coupon shop and he was not.” Police were unable to protect and serve, so they decided to shoot the man instead. To ease tensions, they offered his family free Comply or Die stickers for life. They even volunteered to go to local tribal schools to teach kids how to not occupy their Indigenous lands… especially during that all-important holiday shopping. Happy Thanks-Guilting (aka, Turkey Dinner Genocide Celebration Day)!