Block Ness Monster Unearthed!

“These are the photos they don’t want you to see.” Says Carl Q. Hog, of the Instagram post he made after finding what might be the final remains of the long-sought-after legend, the Block Ness Monster. Sighted most often during hurricanes over the years, “Blocky” has been a constant, if rarely seen, companion to Island residents and mascot to fishing vessels. Many a Block Island Ferry trip has been enhanced by sightings of Blocky in recent years, although she did disappear for about 10 years right after the RI Savings and Loan scandal in the 80s. “She has the largest collection of seashells I’ve ever seen,” says fellow Block Island resident Steven Wright. She keeps it spread out on the beaches of the Island.”

“It’s a shark,” said Marty Brody, a regular sailor and constable on the Island whose expertise would be considered top-notch if he weren’t also known as “The Shark Guy,” famous for running around the island’s pristine beaches yelling, “It’s a shark!” about various pieces of flotsam, jetsam and hung-over collegian tourists that end up near the shore. “It’s a shark, and I’m not talking about some Federal Hill lawyer,” he elaborates. “A shark is pretty much just spine, teeth and stomach. When it rots, that’s what a desiccated shark body looks like. I’d tell you there’s no Block Ness Monster, except I know ya wouldn’t believe me. No one ever does, until it’s too late.

Why is the Block Ness Monster called “Blocky” when the Loch Ness Monster gets a cool name like “Nessie?” “Well,” says cryptobiologist Nottie Crank, “Nessie was already taken. This creature may be millions of years old, but among sea monsters that still makes it the new kid on the block.” And could Blocky represent sightings of more than one creature of the same type? “Most certainly. I doubt we could tell them apart, except for size. And size-wise, this would be a baby Blocky. Maybe an adolescent. I saw one a few years ago that was fully the size of a big blue bug. I named her Buggy Blocky. That skeleton is definitely not big, bad Buggy Blocky.”

To add intrigue to a situation already murkier than the silt at Fort Wetherill, just days after they were discovered, the mystery remains disappeared. “It appears someone broke in and stole them,” says constable Brody. “Skeletons don’t just up and evaporate. Not even sharks. Which this was.” But was it, really? Perhaps only future tourist seasons will tell. In unrelated news, NYSystem Weiners recently began offering “System Ribs,” special grilled ribs with “bite,” available while supplies last.

Note: This column is satire, not fact-based reporting.