McGyvering Your Summer

Evil Russian spies have implanted  remote-triggered heart-attack causing device in you. So using candlesticks, a microphone cord and a rubber mat, you construct a rudimentary defibrillator to jumpstart your heart.

Sure. Easy. We’ve all been there too many times to count.

But what would you do if you went out for your favorite summer activity and forgot your supplies? If you are anything like me, you avoid sunburn the old-fashioned way — by never leaving the house. Some believe that if you forget your sunblock, you can slather your body in mayonnaise, but what if you forget your favorite egg-based dressing? It can be difficult to find a laying hen at the beach. Perhaps you can convince someone to let you root through their purse and fashion a crude sunscreen from lip balm, hand sanitizer and melted Werther’s Originals.

Now that you have skin protection handled, you check for your bathing suit. It’s M.I.A and you have two options: work on you trucker’s tan in your jeans and t-shirt or go skinny dipping on family beach day. This could be a great opportunity to alienate your in-laws and get that vacation from responsibility that only prison time can bring. If hard time is not your thing, then you need to think on your feet. Scan the beach and locate the nearest “bag lady” or “bag person.” You know the type, more bags than things. Once spotted, relieve them of their bag closest to your waist size. Preferably with large handles. Next you’ll need something to cut with. Gather some seashells and set them aside; they will potentially serve two needs. Using a jagged seashell edge, cut two holes in the bottom of the bag along the seam on either side leaving the middle or “crotch” in tact. Now slip off your clothes and slide your legs into your newly constructed holes, pull the bag up and secure it by using the large handles as suspenders. If need be, use pressure from those suspenders to secure two appropriately sized seashells over any areola one may want to obscure. Voila! You are ready to sunbathe and or take on the high seas.

And if you get all the way to the beach and realize you’ve forgotten your children? Just relax and enjoy the day.