Sex Q&A: How Do I Stay in the Moment?

Sometimes I fantasize about other sexual encounters, or “highlight reel,” while having sex with my long term partner. I very much love my partner, and I’d like to be more in the moment when we’re having sex. How can I do to be more in the moment during sex?

Whether due to stress, exhaustion or boredom, staying in the moment during sex can sometimes be a challenge. Lovers often seek the full attention of their partners during intimate moments as a means of validating the depth of their connection. However, it can be difficult at times to dedicate our undivided attention to our partners in bed. As the novelty of being with a new person wears off, you might find yourself spacing out or thinking about other sexual situations.

We are often told that fantasizing about having sex with someone other than the person we have made a commitment to is similar to cheating; some call it “emotional cheating.” Many of us feel guilty for having such thoughts, but having sexual thoughts about someone other than your significant other is very common. 

De-stigmatizing the matter helps reduce the associated anxiety, and keeps you relaxed and concentrating on your partner. As a couple, you need to develop an understanding that thinking about having sex with other people does not necessarily indicate lack of interest or unfaithfulness. In fact, sexual fantasies can highly improve the quality of your sex life.

There are ways that you could tactfully discuss the matter with your partner. First, your fantasies are yours and you get to decide what details to disclose and how to disclose them. Second, it never hurts to be discreet: “By the way, I was totally thinking about shagging your best friend,” is not the best phrase for opening up the conversation. However, you can talk about where to draw the line when it comes to fantasies. Is it cheating to have sexual fantasies of any kind? If not, what are the elements that may make the fantasies unacceptable? Is it okay to think of celebrities or people who are not in your immediate circle of friends? Exploring the subject from many different angles can not only be rewarding for you personally, but also for your relationship with your partner.

Never rule out the possibility that your partner may be fantasizing as well. Having a conversation about fantasy during sexy time can reduce the potential guilt you may feel when those images spring into your mind. When you find yourself fantasizing about a person other than the one you are having sex with, simply let that thought run through you, allow it do what it is there to do — turn you on, get you off, or both — and then it will slide right out of your brain after its purpose has been served.

There are things you can do to bring yourself back to the moment. Some options include listening to soothing music, practicing relaxation methods and trying new sexual situations to bring back the novelty of sex. Relaxation not only helps with being in the moment, but also improves the quality of your orgasms. One helpful technique, Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR), is great if you need a quick way to relax, put your head back on your body, and feel the presence of life around you.

Spicing up your relationship can take on many forms within the boundaries and comfort level you and your partner choose. Be creative and think about possible changes that could add a little more zest to your love-making. Tools such as Mojo Upgrade provide a safe way to discover your common sexual interests without having to bring up a risky proposal. You can learn more about ways to share your sexual fantasies and getting your partner excited about them by reading our Q&A, Sharing Sexual Fantasies. You can also check out our resource page, How To Use The CSPH To Improve Your Sex Life, for new ideas.

Finally, keep in mind that while intimate bonding is best maintained when a couple dedicates their full attention to their lover, not every sexual encounter requires an undivided attention for it to be good. So just relax, try new things while respecting your partner’s boundaries, and let your fantasies run wild!

Written by Ari Sitta, edited by Erin Basler-Francis