Greetings, clodpates and dunderwhelps! It is I, Horace L. Popinjay, here to spew more trenchant insights across these gentle broadsheets. My ire is pointed at neophyte Governor and Walking Don Bousquet Comic Dan McKee. In his most recent press conference, McKee cut a Janus-like figure, talking out of both sides of his mouth on policing and transportation, while refusing to make any promises vis-a-vis the 1.78 billion smackers headed our way from the American Rescue Plan.
My proposal for the efficacious dispersal of this mazuma is simple: Buy each citizen a high-flying dirigible! This will allow ease of transportation (particularly once our state is swallowed by the sea), and provide simpler and more equitable public transit than the proposed Kennedy Plaza breakup, whilst having the additional benefit that no existing statutes ban the flying of dirigibles under the influence of semi-legal and/or soon to be legal substances. A “hep cat” from Frankfurt with whom this reporter is acquainted opines that nothing gives him greater pleasure than lighting a jazz cigarette and cutting the clouds in his Graf Zeppelin.
A final note on this subject: While your humble reporter eschews reefer in favor of a deadly nerve tonic peddled by his personal physician Dr. Bentley, it is nonetheless his firm opinion that any legalization effort which does not include immediate expungement and measures for economic and racial justice is absolutely useless. Before the pipes start calling, Danny Boy—take note!
Bilefully and balefully,
H.L. Popinjay