Opinion

Tens of Leaves Down: Henri aftermath report

As New England counts the cost of Tropical Storm Henri, Governor Dan McKee, took to the podium to deliver the verdict from the Hill:

“Tropical Storm Henri was an unprecedented meteorological phenomenon, even by New England standards. We are used to having overhyped weather, only for it to have less oomph than a paper handkerchief, but Henri might have been the most overinflated of them all. And for that, I am proud. This keeps up a fine tradition of scaring the shit out of our residents, only for the sun to shine on the day of terror.

“But at the same time, I must not be flippant. Henri caused much-told damage across Rhode Island, including a delayed shipment of ‘Gansett to the outer reaches of the state, a tragedy for so many. At this moment I am also saddened to confirm a loss of more than 13 leaves from the deciduous trees that the state depends upon for looking all fall-like in time for Pumpkin Spice Latte Season. Reports have also come my way of lawn furniture being knocked over, dogs not wanting to go outside for their evening shits and swimming pools sloshing water over the edge. The fact that the people of Rhode Island were able to withstand such testing forces is a testament to our strength as a community.

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“At this point, my team and I must retire and prepare statements for all the blizzards expected between October and next April. Stay safe, Rhode Island, and always carry an umbrella.” 

Billboards: Cancelled

Governor McKee announced Thursday that all billboard advertising will become illegal at midnight on January 1 2022, and that attorneys will have to find a different way to drive you nuts on a daily basis. But the move has been met with widespread outcry from legal circles. Dick, Dicks and Dïx of Cumberland threatened a “hard retaliation” if their “erections all over I95 aren’t kept up high where they belong,” while Cheep, Slíz and Crook fear a dramatic loss in earnings from the road accidents they depend on happening as vehicles try to read their appallingly designed advertising distractions. 

King, Muscles and Swords, made famous by their appearance during the Superb Owl commercials, have taken the dramatic step of threatening to cancel their combined gym memberships. “What’s the point of being in shape if the people of Rhode Island can’t admire our sex guns on big roadside posters?” commented Mr. Muscles. 

Portuguese Man o’ War — A Warning

Beachgoers at East Matunuck scattered like bowling pins this week after being warned of jellyfish in the water. While the official line is the creatures came up on the Gulf Stream, the inside story has it that the herds of vacation-going Portuguese man o’ war had swarmed up from the Mid-Atlantic in search of lobster rolls and views from the Newport Bridge. 

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