Opinion

The Fourth Arena: Longer Flights of Fancy

We’re Transatlantic, Kehd

TF Green airport is set to change its name. While over 15 Rhode Islanders can tell you who Green was, and a further six can tell you what the initials stand for, an independent body still found that Rhody’s fastest exit needed a more internationally conscious moniker.

“Transatlantic travel cannot reopen until European travelers know where Rhode Island actually is,” comments Kerr O’Seen, spokesperson for RIPTA’s airports division. “Sending flights to Boston/PVD is no longer acceptable — some backwoodsers in Johnston were beginning to think they were part of Massachusetts. And nobody wants that.”
The sentiment is echoed over the ocean. “Rhode Island is adored by European travelers,” reveals a source at the International Hoteliers of Providence (IHOP). “The state recently swept beach holidays in the Caribbean into second, and we expect that shift to remain.”

If only tourists could find us. Future travelers arriving in the renamed TF Green will still have to contend with the fact they’ve landed in Warwick. But given the threats that Warwick is planning to secede from the state and become its own independent sovereign nation, visitors might have to content themselves with a visit to Rocky Point and Iggy’s as the highlight of their vacation. 

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You could do worse if you ask me. At least the airport isn’t in Woonsocket.

Old Presidents’ Club

Followers of former Commanders-in-Chief were delivered some encouraging news today when it was revealed that each of the 45 previous officer holders would be endowed with their own stores. In Rhode Island, fans of James Garfield are particularly excited, seeing as their man only served six months before being assassinated in September 1881, and see these stores as their chance to even the score of history.

“ Jimmy G. ‘82 flags have already sold out,” comments Waggish Rogue, owner of three stores in downtown Burriville, “and MAGA (Make America Garfield Again) hats are on back order as far as October.”

“We have an opportunity to correct the wrongs of the past,” comments Ivan “Andrew Jackkkson” White of Exeter. “Nobody knows that President Jackson, blessed be his name, was denied a third term by radicals bent on tarnishing his record as the first American to go to the Moon. Facts.”

Whether the much-anticipated Gina Raimondo cult store will become a reality is still up for question at time of print.

Current Presidents’ Club

Bringing things back to the present, the summer began with visits from both President Biden and Vice President Harris. While Uncle Joe has visited many times before, his first visit being during the laying of the foundations of Governor Stephen Hopkins House in 1707, rumor has it that this was the first time on Rhody soil for everyone’s favorite Pence-punching VP. When asked what she made of her visit, the vice-president exclaimed, “Well, it was revelatory! I didn’t know that the Lamborghini was invented by a mechanic from Pawtucket, and who would have thought that the Fountain of Youth is actually a stagnant pond in Lincoln Woods.” Biden and Harris also made a quick visit to the Motif offices, but nobody was home. “It’s a shame we did not manage a visit to Floatleaf Magazine,” commented Mr. Biden. “I’ve always wanted to be a subject of Phillipe and Jorge’s Awesome Wonderful Planet – I’ll just have to be satisfied with the vastly inferior Fourth Arena.” Wise words, man, wise words. 

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